A Path to Faith 2/7/22

 Faith says “Keep moving forward”. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m not going back.

My path to faith is paved by the stones I thought I had to carry. They’re inscribed with vivid descriptors: Martyrdom, Self-Pity, Resentment - on and on. In the beginning, the inscriptions are so detailed that the stones just look textured. Gradually, as I move forward, the stories get distilled to their essence, to the single words at the heart of my pain excuses. 

I’ve been using my paving stones to build walls, but now I’m challenged - encouraged - to pave my own road. It wasn’t laid out by anyone else; I get to design my own pattern as I go. My former wall stones were heavy, and hard to add to the increasing height. Now, all I have to do is drop each one, stomp on it to set it in place, and know that the path itself will show me where to place the next one. 

After a while, I can see that many of the stones have no inscriptions - they glow with individual beauty, from matrix to crystal. Occasionally, I find that an old rock has clumsily found its way to my path, its inscription big and bold, reminding me to stay present, stay aware, and allow the path to continue to show me the way. With every step I take, I am being taught to trust it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Brothers in Our Defects

 In 12-step groups, the dropping of masks is not just invited and encouraged - it is expected, if there is to be any personal growth. Step 4 shows us how to look at our shortcomings with complete honesty. The ability to be totally honest with oneself is a skill which requires practice; this step outlines just how to start. I have to ask myself about the resentments which still burn, even just a tiny bit. Toss a little fuel on those embers, and they will burst back into flames.  Whom have my actions harmed in the past? What, specifically, did I do? How might I have handled it differently? What was I trying to control? Did I feel like my cover was being blown, like the carefully constructed mask I presented was being forcefully removed? What did I fear, and how did that negatively affect others? Why did I act in a way that would now shame me? What reasoning did I use to make the unacceptable acceptable? We share as honestly as we are able with others, in and out of meetings, to ...
Read more

Group Autonomy

If I am to “practice these principles in all my affairs” (from the 12th Step), I need to know just what these principles are. The 12 x 12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) expounds on them in detail, relating how they relate to group health. But what about the way I live my life? How do I live these principles outside of the safety of the rooms? I have to actually think about and meditate on what they mean to me personally. In the case of Tradition Four, Group Autonomy, I reflect on how I am an autonomous being. I rely on family and friends for their love and emotional support, to whatever degree they are able to give, but I alone am responsible for my thoughts and actions. Do I engage in activities which could harm another, emotionally or physically? Cut that out! Otherwise, I’m free to pursue those activities which interest me, contribute to my personal growth, and keep me standing in the Sunlight. It is my responsibility to both know and challenge my limitations and my shortcomin...
Read more

I Choose Anonymity

 I can be a real braggart. I suspect this is tied to low-self-esteem issues, and is the egos’s way of asserting itself. I must have recognized this at some point in my journey, because, written on the bottom of the page of this Daily Reflection is “STFU, Sandy”.  Inner peace and ease of being is quiet. It invites, it has an allure; it, like the Dude in The Big Lebowski, abides.  Our eleventh tradition tells us that our public principle is “attraction rather than promotion”. For me, this applies to my own public life. When it’s appropriate, like when someone asks about myself or shares a personal concern which would best be addressed by a 12-step fellowship, I’m happy to share how my life has been and continues to be changed.  Newcomers to AA can be so overwhelmed by their new freedom, they loudly proclaim their sobriety. I know I did. Jaded friends and family, used to seeing broken promises and dreadful decisions, don’t hear the words; they’re waiting to see the “pro...
Read more