No One Denied Me Love

 I never thought I drank to hide from life, but that became the result. I tried to find meaning in spite of the fog of shame and resentment I lived in, but that always gave way to the thought of the next cocktail or cabernet. I couldn’t afford both expensive alcohol and therapy, so the choice was clear: keep doing what I was doing, and I’d think about it all ‘tomorrow’.

When the realization that I had become what I most resisted finally reached my consciousness, the new choice was unavoidable: stop doing what I was doing and go to the free group therapy of AA. I felt empty of joy, used up, a failure, and unworthy of anyone’s esteem including my own. I was met with total acceptance. I didn’t need to say or do anything but show up. I was encouraged to do what had worked for them: get a sponsor and work the steps, and don’t pick up a drink between meetings. I had crossed a threshold of honesty by owning up to being an alcoholic - now the work could begin.

I slowly learned that I had worth in spite of myself; that admitting I had a problem and seeking answers was in fact an act of self-love. I found, through the love and acceptance of others, that I could treat myself in the same way, no longer denying myself Love showing up as Action.