A Lifetime Process

 Some dance to remember, and some dance to forget. Henley, Frey, and Felder, Hotel California

I was a daily “responsible” drinker and a weekend binger. My drinking was always justifiable to me. I was sad, mad, frustrated, and challenged to the core by situations and people. A little drink to forget, a little more to “facilitate sleep”, a cocktail because it was yummy, another for the same reason, another for no reason, and I was off.

At the same time, these ‘reasons’ to drink were getting more serious and more destructive. I didn’t see the pattern - the circular chase of cause and effect, effect and cause. All I let myself be aware of was that there was an answer - no matter how temporary - to my unhappiness.

In my mind, the problems of life allowed a break in the form of forgetting for a little while, courtesy of alcohol. What I didn’t see was the correlation between more drinking and ever-increasing problems from which I ran.

When I had a small, almost fleeting realization that everything in my world was out of control while my drinking was out of control, I knew I had to make what felt like drastic changes. I saw that I was my biggest challenge to myself, and I had to do something different.

I no longer drink alcohol. I work on better, healthier solutions daily, starting with my thinking. Am I still looking for easy answers? Time to dig some more. Am I feeling some self-pity? Counter that with the gift of gratitude. I’m learning more all the time. Can I change something? Do it, or ask why I hesitate. Search for answers. Be the person I’m meant to be. Talk things over with my Posse, my Higher Power, and with trusted friends. Look for answers, not reasons or excuses.

I no longer drink, but my recovery from searching for a easier way continues. Avoidance of problems doesn’t take them away. Learning about what makes me tick by asking, listening, and taking action - this is my lifetime’s spiritual work.