Learning to Love Ourselves

 Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.   Linda Creed

Long ago, I couldn’t look in a mirror without contempt for the reflection. I didn’t think much of myself, and I told myself often what a loser I was. This constant negative messaging was self-perpetuating - the more I told myself I was worthless, the more worthless I felt. In that state of mind, I couldn’t grow up. This was super child mode, keeping me dependent and needy.

In “As Bill Sees It”, Bill W. wrote that we tried, in our alcoholic thinking, “to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependence”. I tried both at various times, and I can agree with Bill’s assertion that it is an unhealthy way to live. I wouldn’t hesitate to call a loved one out if I heard them speak to themselves in the ways in which I spoke to myself. That I did so anyway further fueled my self-contempt. My eventual dependence on alcohol was just a symptom, one which created even more of that lack of respect for myself. 

Finally - finally - I admitted to myself that my ways of dealing with life were simply not working, and that my dependence on alcohol, on not feeling my feelings, of not knowing how to be open to the unconditional love of my Creator, all led to seeking and accepting the help offered by A.A. 

I’ve learned that self-love and humility coexist. They are healthy. They teach me that boundaries are a service to self, positive self-talk is a strength, and that playing well with others is a virtue.