… And Forgive

 I stalled on this post yesterday, and I had to ask myself what the block was. Do I have no thoughts on forgiveness? I am heartened by stories of redemption, and I don’t believe they occur without at least the forgiveness of self involved. So what are my experiences with forgiveness?

I hang on to my resentments. I’ve tried to look at them honestly, I can feel in the moment that all is well, but I drag them out of the muck and feel them all over again. What’s a person to do? Telling myself to grow up and get over it is just surface stuff - that is not a process which bears fruit. I’m excellent at finding reasons and justifications for bad behavior, whether mine or others. That’s simply freezing the topmost layer and trying to skate over it. I end up falling through into the endlessly-repeating rabbit hole.

I’m thinking that going back to Step 4, as I’m doing now in a year-long step study, will give me a firmer footing upon which I can more easily find that beautiful redemption and freedom from the skipping record I keep playing.

More will be revealed.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Choose Anonymity

 I can be a real braggart. I suspect this is tied to low-self-esteem issues, and is the egos’s way of asserting itself. I must have recognized this at some point in my journey, because, written on the bottom of the page of this Daily Reflection is “STFU, Sandy”.  Inner peace and ease of being is quiet. It invites, it has an allure; it, like the Dude in The Big Lebowski, abides.  Our eleventh tradition tells us that our public principle is “attraction rather than promotion”. For me, this applies to my own public life. When it’s appropriate, like when someone asks about myself or shares a personal concern which would best be addressed by a 12-step fellowship, I’m happy to share how my life has been and continues to be changed.  Newcomers to AA can be so overwhelmed by their new freedom, they loudly proclaim their sobriety. I know I did. Jaded friends and family, used to seeing broken promises and dreadful decisions, don’t hear the words; they’re waiting to see the “pro...
Read more

Step One

 The first step begins with “WE”. What a beautiful, reassuring word that is! The reminder, right from the very start, that I don’t have to face anything by myself. WE understand what it is like to feel alone. WE have all felt the sense of loss, the utter powerlessness over alcohol, the loneliness of feeling apart from rather that a part of.  I was reminded of that this morning when, instead of checking in with my “I’m still alive” buddy, I went back to bed. By the time I got back up, much later than normal, she had tried in vain to reach me several times, and was deeply concerned. I was able to finally let her know that breath and blood still course through my body, filling me with the gratitude of having the love of a friend who cares that that still happens. Our program is like that - WE don’t have to leave anyone in the dark, wondering what to do next. WE show by living our lives how to connect with others as well as our Higher Power. WE see in each other the Light of Life,...
Read more

The End…?

 I started writing my daily reflections in January, although I didn’t start posting them until February. It’s been a journey of self-discipline, even as I missed a few days. It’s also been a dive into a creative outlet, one which I plan to build on.  I don’t know yet what I’ll focus on in the New Year, but I know that, for me, daily writing has been a joyful experience. I have been honored to share it, and will continue to do so. Thank you to those who have read it and have been encouraging - this experiment has been buoyed by you! Thanks also for the many lessons I’ve learned about myself. I’ve been humbled, shown with bright lights how my thinking has led me into shadows, and challenged to see things from a Higher perspective.  The Light in me recognizes and celebrates the Light in you. Namasté 🙏
Read more