“Hold Back Nothing”

 I’ve never practiced a faith which requires confession, but my impression was that once confessed, a person could be free to “sin” all over again, then simply repeat the process. I’m fairly certain that’s not the idea, but could possibly be how it is practiced. “Oops - I did it again”, as Britney sang. But then, having done a 5th step, the injunction to “go and sin no more” becomes more meaningful. 

First, I have to find the causes and excuses behind my actions and resentments. If I can be honest with myself, I’m on track. Then I wholeheartedly share this information with my sponsor, or my Priest, Rabbi, Imam, or other trusted person. If I hold onto any shred of self-justification or keep parts private, I deprive myself of the freedom to become the person I want to be. There’s always that little bit of deception that has the power to grow roots and take over the garden of my peace.

What I can feel in the sharing is that I lose the weight that shame carries. I learn to see the causes of my actions, the recurring modes of thought which have allowed me to act and react in ways I don’t like, and how my actions or words have harmed others - and in the process, hurt myself. 

This isn’t a one-and-done step; each honest attempt, holding nothing back, will lead to deeper understanding of myself, while teaching me that I am still whole, still worthy, able to be of service to others even as I discover how I shut myself off from the Sunlight of the Spirit.

Holding nothing back, I have everything to gain.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Choose Anonymity

 I can be a real braggart. I suspect this is tied to low-self-esteem issues, and is the egos’s way of asserting itself. I must have recognized this at some point in my journey, because, written on the bottom of the page of this Daily Reflection is “STFU, Sandy”.  Inner peace and ease of being is quiet. It invites, it has an allure; it, like the Dude in The Big Lebowski, abides.  Our eleventh tradition tells us that our public principle is “attraction rather than promotion”. For me, this applies to my own public life. When it’s appropriate, like when someone asks about myself or shares a personal concern which would best be addressed by a 12-step fellowship, I’m happy to share how my life has been and continues to be changed.  Newcomers to AA can be so overwhelmed by their new freedom, they loudly proclaim their sobriety. I know I did. Jaded friends and family, used to seeing broken promises and dreadful decisions, don’t hear the words; they’re waiting to see the “pro...
Read more

Step One

 The first step begins with “WE”. What a beautiful, reassuring word that is! The reminder, right from the very start, that I don’t have to face anything by myself. WE understand what it is like to feel alone. WE have all felt the sense of loss, the utter powerlessness over alcohol, the loneliness of feeling apart from rather that a part of.  I was reminded of that this morning when, instead of checking in with my “I’m still alive” buddy, I went back to bed. By the time I got back up, much later than normal, she had tried in vain to reach me several times, and was deeply concerned. I was able to finally let her know that breath and blood still course through my body, filling me with the gratitude of having the love of a friend who cares that that still happens. Our program is like that - WE don’t have to leave anyone in the dark, wondering what to do next. WE show by living our lives how to connect with others as well as our Higher Power. WE see in each other the Light of Life,...
Read more

The End…?

 I started writing my daily reflections in January, although I didn’t start posting them until February. It’s been a journey of self-discipline, even as I missed a few days. It’s also been a dive into a creative outlet, one which I plan to build on.  I don’t know yet what I’ll focus on in the New Year, but I know that, for me, daily writing has been a joyful experience. I have been honored to share it, and will continue to do so. Thank you to those who have read it and have been encouraging - this experiment has been buoyed by you! Thanks also for the many lessons I’ve learned about myself. I’ve been humbled, shown with bright lights how my thinking has led me into shadows, and challenged to see things from a Higher perspective.  The Light in me recognizes and celebrates the Light in you. Namasté 🙏
Read more