A Spiritual Kindergarten

 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.   1 Corinthians 13:11 (New Living Translation)

When I was a child, I conflated God with Fairy Godmother, the Great Wish-Granter. The problem was, I was never good enough to get my wishes. It was all my fault - I was somehow broken, or my wishes would have come true.

As I grew up physically, my emotional and spiritual maturity lagged, clinging desperately to those childish notions. My cultural conditioning reinforced a willing helplessness. It was easy, then, for me to substitute spirits for Spirit, and to place personal responsibility in the hands of others.

When I entered the rooms of A.A., I was more than a little confused about the attention given to finding a Higher Power. What did that have to do with finding a way to quit drinking and stay quit? I saw it as a kind of nice bonus - Stop drinking and find God! It’s a two-fer! I didn’t realize then that finding, relating to, listening to a Higher Wisdom, was a strength, a gift, a way ‘home’ to my better self. 

When I placed my fate in the hands of others, I was a perpetual victim, full of resentment, trying to not feel so powerless over my life. It was ironic, then, to have to openly admit powerlessness over alcohol resulting in my life being unmanageable. I had to examine and challenge my baseline thinking. I was trying to be in charge of my life while accepting - and resenting - it’s mismanagement by those to whom I gave my power. They were mere mortals too, fighting their own demons, coming to their own understandings.

I found that this Higher Power, this Great Mystery, the Spirit of the Universe, was a strength I could rely on as I walk this wide path of life. Sobriety has made the path navigable, even when it gets bumpy and challenging. It imbues me with the strength I need to see beyond, to thoroughly enjoy every Now.