Those Who Still Suffer

 Despite taking medication for depression, sometimes the blues come to visit anyway. The temporary feels permanent, and, if I don’t stay aware, the permanent can appear to be temporary.

I’ll explain. I am an alcoholic. If I purposefully take a drink, I am one who will continue. I don’t have a built-in modifier, telling me to stop. Instead, there is a take-over of any semblance of self-control, and I stop caring what my intentions were. I’ll have another just because it’s there. I may know it would be a really good idea to stop, but I won’t. I might think to myself that since I’m already feeling it, another drink won’t matter. I may decide that since there will be a hangover, what the hell - have another. Tomorrow will be a day to have self-discipline. 

I know in my depths that instead of the “sophisticated” slight buzz, I’ll be the one smelling of vomit and slouched over the table drooling and unaware. I’ll be the one who starts off laughing too loudly, too often, and at anything, probably inappropriate. I’ll end up crying, passing out, thoroughly embarrassing and hating myself, and worrying those who care about me.

I am among the very fortunate for whom Alcoholics Anonymous has worked. I have a moral obligation to help anyone who asks find their solution as well. There are so many who still suffer - those for whom their own denial keeps them from seeking solutions as well as those who simply feel too far gone, too unworthy or irredeemable to try. 

We're all reminded to attract, rather than promote the program. No one wants what I have if I bemoan my sobriety, and proclaim that it’s just not fair. What am I getting out of this deal? Do I have anything that anyone would remotely want if all I talk about is sobriety? Or if all I think about is how nice it would be to  be able to drink like a “normie”? 

No, I like what I have. I’ll happily share my insights with any who actually want to hear what A.A. has to offer and to share the freedom I have come to know. 

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