Building a New Life

 What good is sobriety alone if I’m still the sad, angry mess I used to be? What were the reasons I kept taking those first drinks? Why had I given up on myself? What do I need to change about myself to finally have peace with reality?

Fear kept me tethered to the same (non) solution for years - fear of failure (even as I was failing myself every day), fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of reality and facing the ugly truths about myself. It takes courage to walk into the rooms of recovery - courage which comes from the realization that our lives are a shambles. At least, it was that way for me.

Yes, I came into the rooms because I finally woke up to the fact that I couldn’t just stop drinking of my own accord - I needed to get into the steps with a sponsor, and OMG! look at my whole life, my whole way of thinking and doing. So it takes courage to come in, and it takes courage to stay. 

Building my new life is a daily process of action and communing with my Creator, the Power behind all change, all growth. The ‘building’ metaphor is such a good one! I have to have a completely new foundation upon which I can build my new life. I consult experts, I make sure my foundation is properly reinforced, and is level. I camp out on this new foundation while I consult with my Architect to download the plans. With the help of my ‘village’, the walls go up and the design takes form. I will always find things to tweak and correct, due to my own needs and actions, so this building of mine will always be ‘in process’, but now I can live there. I can enjoy the views. I can feel gratitude daily for this safe place I’ve found with the help of others, and I can look at their buildings when I have questions. 

There will be a few bent nails along the way. I might find that I’ve built a hallway which goes nowhere, or a door that just won’t open. It’s all part of the process. The only thing I need to do is stick with the Plan.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Choose Anonymity

 I can be a real braggart. I suspect this is tied to low-self-esteem issues, and is the egos’s way of asserting itself. I must have recognized this at some point in my journey, because, written on the bottom of the page of this Daily Reflection is “STFU, Sandy”.  Inner peace and ease of being is quiet. It invites, it has an allure; it, like the Dude in The Big Lebowski, abides.  Our eleventh tradition tells us that our public principle is “attraction rather than promotion”. For me, this applies to my own public life. When it’s appropriate, like when someone asks about myself or shares a personal concern which would best be addressed by a 12-step fellowship, I’m happy to share how my life has been and continues to be changed.  Newcomers to AA can be so overwhelmed by their new freedom, they loudly proclaim their sobriety. I know I did. Jaded friends and family, used to seeing broken promises and dreadful decisions, don’t hear the words; they’re waiting to see the “pro...
Read more

Step One

 The first step begins with “WE”. What a beautiful, reassuring word that is! The reminder, right from the very start, that I don’t have to face anything by myself. WE understand what it is like to feel alone. WE have all felt the sense of loss, the utter powerlessness over alcohol, the loneliness of feeling apart from rather that a part of.  I was reminded of that this morning when, instead of checking in with my “I’m still alive” buddy, I went back to bed. By the time I got back up, much later than normal, she had tried in vain to reach me several times, and was deeply concerned. I was able to finally let her know that breath and blood still course through my body, filling me with the gratitude of having the love of a friend who cares that that still happens. Our program is like that - WE don’t have to leave anyone in the dark, wondering what to do next. WE show by living our lives how to connect with others as well as our Higher Power. WE see in each other the Light of Life,...
Read more

The End…?

 I started writing my daily reflections in January, although I didn’t start posting them until February. It’s been a journey of self-discipline, even as I missed a few days. It’s also been a dive into a creative outlet, one which I plan to build on.  I don’t know yet what I’ll focus on in the New Year, but I know that, for me, daily writing has been a joyful experience. I have been honored to share it, and will continue to do so. Thank you to those who have read it and have been encouraging - this experiment has been buoyed by you! Thanks also for the many lessons I’ve learned about myself. I’ve been humbled, shown with bright lights how my thinking has led me into shadows, and challenged to see things from a Higher perspective.  The Light in me recognizes and celebrates the Light in you. NamastĂ© 🙏
Read more