“Our Side of the Street”

 I watched a TV drama once, in which a sobered-up alcoholic was making amends to someone. He said to the other character “l forgive you”, fully implying that it was the other who had harmed him. Alarm bells went off in my head as I thought “I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work”. I believe the writers were well-intentiond, but way off the mark.

When I make amends to someone I’ve harmed, it has to come from a clear understanding of what I did, how it was perceived, what effect it had, and how I might make things right. Forgiveness is up to the other person, not me. All I can do - and what I must do - is to metaphorically put myself in their shoes and feel what they may have felt by my words or actions, acknowledge that, and take the next right action. That action is dictated by the harmed party, not by me, although I can only do the possible. I can’t change the instance, but I can take steps to change the outcome, if the other person is amenable.

Sometimes, and I think most often, the harmed party feels heard and can then heal their own resentment toward me. Sometimes, nothing will be enough: that’s when I carefully look at my words, my actions, and my outlook, to see if I’ve left anything undone. I am seeing to “my side of the street”. 

The aforementioned scriptwriters may have been conflating Steps 4 and 9. In Step 4, I’m looking deeply into my own resentments - who, what, when, where, how, and what I may have done to precipitate or prolong it. In Step 9, I’m facing the resentments I probably caused others, and am taking responsibility.

I can only clean up my own actions. What others do or don’t do is their story, not mine..