Vigilance

 Just like so many who came before - and after - me, my initial aim was to fix the problem of not being able to stop drinking. I’d throw myself into the program, do all the things, learn what I needed to learn about myself, then - ta-da! - I'd be good as new, able to control my drinking. When I found out that a woman I admired had over 30 years of sobriety, I was confused and a little sad for her. “Why are you still coming to meetings?” I asked. She seemed surprised by my question, and just laughed a little bit. “Because I don’t want to drink again” was her reply.

It can be an intimidating thought, that truth of never being able to drink again. It can feel like a punishment resulting in self-pity. On top of that feeling of it being ‘no-fair’, I immediately sought blame. It was because of HIM. It was because SHE did this or said that. THEY just didn’t understand.

It didn’t take long to start to see the very positive side of attaining and maintaining sobriety. I have a lively spiritual connection with my Higher Power, which is no longer alcohol. I am open to learning about myself, to what makes me tick and why I can react in ways that either help or harm. I have a deep gratitude for the lack of hangovers, and know that I need never suffer another. I have learned to hold myself accountable for my actions, and to catch myself when I try to blame.

I know from the experience of others that imbibing is not an option for me. I passed the point of any kind of self-control with alcohol decades ago, and I realize that in both body and mind, I tempt fate if I entertain thoughts of drinking again. Some people can’t eat strawberries; I can’t drink alcohol. Many folks are allergic to peanuts; I can’t drink alcohol. 

Like the example of the silly fellow who kept jaywalking until he finally, inevitably got mowed down, I’ve learned to fully accept that to drink is poison to me, therefore, I can’t indulge.

The vigilance comes into play every single day, because that sneaky thought that ‘just this once it’ll be different’ can worm it’s way into my psyche if I lose focus. There’s just too much to lose.

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