When the Chips are Down

 I used to desire solitude, but I feared it too. The concept of being alone with just my God scared me into non-action. I just knew that I would be expected to be someone I’m not, or would feel compelled to action I didn’t feel competent enough to perform. I was too dependent on others to be by myself and too scared of a god which would demand too much of me to ask for guidance. I hoped I wouldn’t have to think about any of this when I drank. It didn’t necessarily work - I felt my sense of being lost even more deeply.

I have now come to an understanding—always deepening—that I am in a relationship of mutual love and respect with my Creator. I am a sovereign being, an emissary of the Spirit of Creation, never alone, always guided. This relationship is loving, accepting, and challenging; never judgmental or threatening. This is the understanding which works for me. You get to come to your own, and yet, we’re both right. 

This relationship keeps me afloat when I feel unmoored. It reminds me to relax and breathe, and to know that “I Am”. I am assured that I have strengths I don’t know about yet, and that in this earthly grounding, I am growing and learning and becoming better with every challenge. This knowing doesn’t stop me from spinning, or feeling my blood pressure rise when I’m triggered—it’s just all part of the process. But I know that I can always return to Peace, no matter what.


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