Reflections from Reflections

 I never thought I drank to hide from life, but that became the result. I tried to find meaning in spite of the fog of shame and resentment I lived in, but that always gave way to the thought of the next cocktail or cabernet. I couldn’t afford both expensive alcohol and therapy, so the choice was clear: keep doing what I was doing, and I’d think about it all ‘tomorrow’. When the realization that I had become what I most resisted finally reached my consciousness, the new choice was unavoidable: stop doing what I was doing and go to the free group therapy of AA. I felt empty of joy, used up, a failure, and unworthy of anyone’s esteem including my own. I was met with total acceptance. I didn’t need to say or do anything but show up. I was encouraged to do what had worked for them: get a sponsor and work the steps, and don’t pick up a drink between meetings. I had crossed a threshold of honesty by owning up to being an alcoholic - now the work could begin. I slowly learned that I had w...

 AA continues to exist because of its Three Legacies: Recovery, Unity, and Service. Each is explored in depth as the Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, and Twelve Concepts for World Service. Bill W. and Bob S. had the experience of finding that one person could make all the difference in another’s life by openly sharing their own pasts and what had changed for them. It took the recognition that a Higher Power was both the base and the apex of the triangle (my interpretation). Does my strength come only from myself? Is my daily reprieve from the obsession to continue to act in ways that keep me from being my best self, or worse, in ways that harm others, from any superiority of will? Nope. That way of thinking only served to feed the wolves of despair and continual failure. On a personal level, if I am to be the person I’m meant to be, I have to pause, take a breath, and ask my Creator how to take the next right action. It’s the same on the group level. No one person is Leader, either...

 I like to think of life as a school. I’ve written about how that thought used to depress me. I wanted all recess, no class time. Now I’ve learned (more correctly, am learning) to see challenges as lessons. There are no grades; learn now or learn later, because the lessons will repeat. Under the tidy school uniforms or the scruffy worn hand-me-downs are students just like me. Some have learned from life’s lessons and are open to sharing what they’ve learned so far, and some are simply learning to face them rather than try to run from them. I learn to face my challenges head-on if I’m willing to see how my experiences are like those from which others have successfully grown. When others are struggling to understand and want my help, I offer my experience and support in their finding their own solutions. If we were to unite only according to political beliefs, religious or cultural background, or socio-economic standing, the 12 step programs would most likely not work. That would onl...

 Bill Wilson wrote that “our freedoms create the soil in which genuine love can grow.” What a lovely image! I can see that analogy in my own life, in the ways in which I ‘reap what I’ve sown’. I’ve made choices which, if seen as seeds, have produced a variety of products, from invasive weeds to glorious fruits and flowers. I learn as I mature to choose my seeds more carefully, nurturing the ones that feed my soul and removing the ones that serve no purpose other than to show me what I don’t  want. There have certainly been a lot of weeds; envy, anger, judgement, self-justification, fear, resentment. The list goes on ad nauseum. I’ve also grown some beautiful things, some lovely outcomes, but I didn’t know how to repeat my successes or nurture them properly. I had to find the answers to my gardening dilemma: how to get more consistency in the beauty, instead of what I kept growing. I learned to listen to advice from my Master Gardener, sometimes in that inner knowing and someti...

 I was never a good student. The very idea of ‘school’ gave me inner hives. As graduation from high school loomed, the thought of continuing to feel adrift in the world of learning was anathema to me. I solved that dilemma by running off and joining a troupe of actors. Learning lines was fairly easy with repetition. Learning about my characters was almost fun, although being a non-learner, my efforts were fairly minimal. It was safe to say that Meryl Streep would never lose sleep over me. I stayed for many years, happily avoiding all aspects of anything that seemed like ‘school’. When I encountered the idea that all of life is a school, and that perhaps the afterlife would be a time of learning and studying, I felt a deep depression - there was no escape. This was not an exciting concept to me. Living real life naturally raises questions. Seeking answers is the logical next step. “Why?” is the first, loudest, most persistent one. Then come the others - who, what, when, where, and h...

 The more a person practices, the better they get at whatever the focus of that practice is. I was a champion blamer and victim, because I practiced every day. I have since learned that practicing gratitude in everything transcends the whiney “why me”s. I take time to notice the delights - the easy targets. I am then more able to get through the challenges as they arise; I am more liable to acknowledge them as lessons, as ‘life on life’s terms’, as we are reminded in 12 step groups. I recently had physical issues which necessitated a trip to the ER (I’m just fine now, thanks). As I waited - and waited - in the freezing wait area, I was able to witness the kindness of the staff, from security guards to medical personnel, as they treated everyone with dignity and care. Some patients were verbally abusive, but they were quickly reminded that they were being helped in that moment, and to not speak that way. Simple boundary reminders in that moment of making connection. I felt gratitude...

 Breaking big things into manageable pieces + starting now = getting it done. Carolyn Hax Today's reading spoke about ‘acting on, not reacting to’ decisions. I wasted a lot of time and emotional energy in passively waiting for changes in my life. One of those changes was to have some measure of sobriety. I prayed and drank, wished and drank, decided and drank. Nothing worked until I did the work.  It’s ineffective, unreasonable, and immature to sit back and wait for change to magically happen. I wanted sobriety; I followed the ‘manageable pieces’ - the 12 steps. I chipped away at the work I needed to do, and I started as many times as I stopped. I look at the results of those who take the ‘next right action’, and I do what I feel led by my Higher Power to do. I take action, or I face the natural consequences of inaction. Passivity is like an engraved invitation to become stagnant. That’s not what this life is for! I have agency -  I am expected to exercise it. 

 People who have known allergies keep away from the things which could harm them. My great niece is one of many children with a peanut allergy, so an Epi-pen is always close by, just in case. One of my brothers has an extreme reaction to bee stings, and must avoid them. My mother and my oldest son both developed severe allergic reactions to shellfish, after having been able to eat them with no adverse effect. They all know that strict avoidance is the only solution. For me, strict avoidance of alcohol is necessary. It’s not a burden - it’s a relief. If I were to open the door I finally closed and start telling myself anything else, I’m flirting with having an extreme reaction - a return to the false notion that ‘this time it will be different’. There is no reason at all to tempt fate. Those who can enjoy alcohol responsibly (and I try not to think of that as an oxymoron) can do so - with shellfish, if possible! - without that relentless desire for more. I have to recognize in my ow...

 The idea of ‘going with the flow’ seemed just wrong to me. It was like the ‘groupthink’ of 1984. It felt like I was simply following orders, no matter how wrong they felt, because I had no faith in my own agency - no say in my own life. This gave me no peace. My emotions were in constant turmoil as I ignored all the red flags in my life because someone else said they were simply markers on the way.  When I finally admitted to myself that my desire for alcohol was stronger than my reasons to abstain, I had to ‘woman-up’ and do something different. I entered the rooms of my 12-step group ready to admit that I was one one ‘them’. I was gifted with full acceptance, understanding, and a proven process to follow if I so desired. I understood, finally, that I was entering a new phase of thinking - that following the steps as shown by others would include making better choices for myself and my purpose in life. There were no red flags being mislabeled; I found guideposts and guides, ...

 My prayer life used to consist of various forms of “why me?”. It felt as thought the answer was less “why not  you?”, and more like the old joke: “Ah, something about you just p*sses me off”. I prayed to Santa Daddy, and I wanted specific answers. When I didn’t find the answers I wanted, or when the answers showed up in ways that presented new challenges, I was underwhelmed with the whole process. I think that it’s perfectly acceptable to hold the image of that which is desired, to ask for that or something better, then to release it. I’ve asked; now is the time to take any necessary action on my part and surrender the results. Is what I’d like to see in my life in alignment with my higher good? With the higher good of others? If yes, excellent! If not, I pray for acceptance, and I find ways to express gratitude for what is. When I pray for others, I ask the same for them: may they rise to their challenges, and may they find their way. If there is tangible action for me to ta...

 How on earth can ‘dependence upon a power greater than myself’ lead to independence? I’ve long railed at authority. Don’t tell me what to do or how to think! Don’t try to control me! I want to think for myself (if that’s alright with you). Independence, for me, became like Dr. Doolittle’s Pushmi-Pullyu; surface-level agreement on one side, inner defiance on the other. Where’s the serenity in that? My ‘independence’ was basically my lack of self-esteem. I equated self-esteem with egotism - the cockiness that eclipsed the humility to learn, to have an open mind. I always thought that self-love was a barrier to being ‘spiritual’. What I since found is a self-love based on acceptance of myself as both a human being having a spiritual experience, and as a spiritual being having a human experience.  Yin/Yang ☯️ I accept responsibility for myself. There’s freedom in that. I no longer live in the blaming of others. There’s independence in that. I catch myself when I start to forget, ...

 Coincidences happen all the time. Sometimes ‘the stars align’ and prayers are answered in the affirmative.  I needed a place to live. I had specific needs, i.e. affordability in 55+ housing. I applied in places near me as well as in completely different neighborhoods and cities, far from my friends and activities. The first opening was in a place where I didn’t feel safe, so I passed. The next opening was in my neighborhood, at an apartment complex where I already had friends. It, like all the other places I’d applied, was available on a first-come, first-served basis, and the market was tight. I’d received the message late, and raced to the bank to get a certified check for the deposit. I made it just in time to get an apartment there; as I was filling in the forms, another person came in to claim it, but they were too late. I have to hope that their search was ultimately as successful as mine. For me, that day I’d experienced a mysterious partnership with my Creator, and re...

 I don’t have to accept anyone else’s notion of God. I certainly don’t have to accept the idea of a higher power from when I was a child - the classic bearded old guy who never looked too happy. I get to find that which is meaningful to me, and that doesn’t have to fit any mold at all. It changes, or rather I see different aspects of that Power according to what I need at the time: Mother/Father, Love, Power, Creator, Guide. The list is only limited by my imagination. “Conscious contact” is the action phrase used for being in communion with my Higher Power. For me, that shows up in saying ‘thank you’ when I wake up and as I go to bed for the night, and various moments of requests for clarity or guidance, as well as pleas for the end of suffering for those who are facing challenges, throughout the day. Sometimes that is an aspirational goal. Sometimes it’s an achievable process. Where do I stand at any given time? Am I focused on the little things, the ego-based illusion of separati...

 When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.    Lao Tsu Ego says “I’ve got this”. Ego maintains the opaque veil that seemingly separates me from my Source. Ego tells me that if I study hard enough, my intellect will be enough. Ego says I can power my way through on my own. Ego is a damn liar. Intellect, courage, ability, believing myself to be able - these gifts are the shiny new car, but they are useless without the Power needed to make that car go. They are the dance shoes, not the dancer. Ego says “I’ve got this” and Spirit waits. When I fully embrace “The God Idea”, I can truly relax into what is, knowing that the Power drives me; the Power knows the way. The Power leads me in the dance, providing the music as we sway, twirl, and dip - together.

 The keystone of the arch through which we walk in a spiritual journey is our concept of our Creator. Bill W. wrote this of the keystone, continuing that “He is the Father, and we are His children”. I take a less patriarchal view, but I still like the ‘parent’ analogy. Not parental from my experience as both a daughter and a mother, but parental in the idealized way. That figure who loves unconditionally and guides us, but never enables or enfeebles us. That which neither my human parents nor I were able to be, but which I like to think of as that from which we emerge. Touchstone or keystone, Father or Mother, it is my connection with that which I can’t describe that holds me together and provides the ideals to which I aspire. It is Love in the truest sense, both holding me close and letting me go, finding expression in my human wonder and growth, as well as my mistakes and missteps. I am forgiven, encouraged, challenged, comforted, and given the strength to continue.

 When I came into the rooms, I just wanted to humble myself enough to learn how to control my drinking. Little did I know at the time how much of a spiritual overhaul I would experience. I’d had enough of God, thank you very much. My relationship with the Divine was based on rejecting the pat answers of the past, and relegating my understanding to the top drawer of limiting thoughts. I now think of my link to Spirit as vibrational. The link is always there, but what do I choose to hear? The lower tones are plodding and heavy. That’s where my focus is on myself - self-pity, regret, anger, envy, lack, little to no impulse control. The higher vibrations are where I am willing to be happy to be of service, to thrum to the music of joy, to ‘rise to the occasion’; this is where I feel my connection to Spirit. It’s where I find serenity and peace. Beautiful music is created by employing the lower tones juxtaposed with higher tones in order to tell a story, to affect the listener, to creat...

 My ‘To-Do’ list is written in ink, but it’s not carved in stone. It helps me focus and get tasks done. I keep it simple and do-able, and check it each evening: X for completed tasks, < for moving to tomorrow’s list, and struck through if the moment passed or the situation changed. It is my re minder, not my Minder; a tool for me to use, always subject to change. The unwritten items are the ways in which I choose to interact with others. Do I show kindness? Patience? Am I focused on myself only? Do I remind myself that my quick judgements are based on zero facts about those I meet who maybe don’t use the same mental checklist as I use? I have to remind myself on a daily basis to recognize both our common humanity and our common relationship with the Spirit of Life. I have to remind myself daily because I haven’t achieved sainthood. No miracles here - except for the one that embraced the fool and showed her both her sunlit side and her shadow, and teaches her to love herself full...

 Bill Wilson wrote that the whole purpose of the 12 Steps is to make possible the alignment of our will to that of God. That’s it. Continued sobriety, abstinence, cessation of harmful habits are the results of that realization. I can demand better of myself. I don’t need to sit in self-destructive behavior feeling helpless and frustrated and angry. Self-will didn’t pull me out of any pits of despair. It wasn’t until I acknowledged that I needed the guidance of others to make positive changes in my way of thinking, doing, and responding that I could even consider that there may be an actual way out. It was in the smashing of pride that I could start hoping that I might have good, orderly direction in my life. It was seeing that good, orderly direction is presented in many different, equally valid, cultural ways. It is in a daily commitment to good, orderly direction that I can approach being the person I want to be - to align my will with GOD’s - Good Orderly Direction.

 I aaaaam an innocent [wo]ma-a-an - Oh yes I am…🎶   Billy Joel That phrase could have been my anthem for most of my life. Things happened to me. I absolved myself of responsibility for negative results of decisions I had made because those decisions were always because of others - what they said, what I heard, what I thought they would think. I was innocent, man. I have finally pulled up my grown-up pants and learned to own the results of my decisions. I try to listen to my higher wisdom, I consider and weigh any options, I pray and ask for insight, then I take action. Some results are unhappy - that’s just the process of learning. As long as no one else has been hurt, I’m still alright, and I’ve grown in the process. Some decisions feel right, but I know I’m ignoring a niggling bit of unease. That’s the part I’m learning to pay attention to. When I choose well, I also get to enjoy the positive ends. When my choice negatively affects others, I must not only take responsibilit...

 Self-will has a way of lying to me: Do this! It’s a gift! It’ll be great! Trust me! I have the basic human gifts of awareness, of discernment, of the expectation of employing critical thinking. How do I surrender my will? Isn’t that like turning my back on these gifts? The way I’ve come to look at this directive is to recognize ‘self-will’ as letting my ego be in charge. How well has that worked for me? When I can humbly, truly ask for direction, I must then listen, weigh any options, and take the next right action, as I understand it. Experience has shown me that the quick, easy answers aren’t necessarily the right answers for me. I have choice. Is this action going to be one that leads to my growth? Is it going to harm others? I believe that I am expected to listen, contemplate, then accept or reject each choice I face. When I surrender self-will, I am surrendering that which separates me from my Source.

 In thinking about today’s reading, how a person new to sobriety learns to trust in a power greater than themselves, be it the group itself or their concept of God, I wondered how that shows up in everyday life. For me, it comes down to a trust that the energy in everything is Love. Growth is fueled by Love. Change is powered by Love. Hopelessness is challenged by Love. My problems are lessened by Love. A heart broken is healed by Love. Sadness is embraced by Love. The feeling of being beaten down is gently lifted by Love. Hope is Love in action. Trusting in Love, in how it shows up today, in how I am part of the way Love shows itself, is my touchstone. I don’t have to do anything alone.

 Today’s reading was about having the willingness to open the door to a Power greater than myself, to allow myself to have a higher point of view, to set my pride aside so that I may be more available, to take off my mask and be seen. To be open and available to a Higher Wisdom. My heart, though, is heavy with the unjust war in Ukraine; the land-grab playing out not on any battlefield, but in homes and schoolyards. The families fleeing for their lives with only what they can carry. The sadness, the shock palpable in the pictures and videos we see. The prayers, spoken and unspoken, to a God who now needs to be seen in the kindness of the helpers, the receivers, the feeders, the shelterers, of all who have the compassion to be available and the willingness to take action. St. Francis reminds us all, in his famous plea and reminder: Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace - Where there is hatred let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there...

 There will be an answer. Let it be.   Paul McCartney I spent several years in a cult-like religious setting. I could never quite swallow all that was fed to me. Even so, it was a difficult mind-set to shake off. The effect - long term - has been a severe allergy to anyone telling me what to believe. I break out in resentment. For me, ‘having faith’ meant waiting patiently for the results I wanted. Ha! It was no wonder that I lost  faith. It was too much like believing in Santa Claus: if I did A, B, & C, I would get X, Y, & Z. If I did anything wrong, I would get a big Zero, or worse. Now I equate ‘faith’ with ‘ease’. Not with easiness - no one has an easy path through life, even those who seem to be very fortunate. How do I get through my rough patches? What is true for me? How have others gone through their own trials? How does my Creator guide me? How do I keep an open heart? “Faith” is the word which contains all the questions and allows me to be present to th...

 I put a copy of the 12 Steps, cut from a newspaper advice column, on my refrigerator a long time ago. I wasn’t in any program; I didn’t drink except socially. I was a young widow with three little boys, and I needed some semblance of a plan. The 12 Steps struck me as as good a place as any to start. I wasn’t powerless over alcohol (yet) - I was powerless over my boys being fatherless. I saw the universal wisdom in the steps, and wanted the daily reminder. Now I liken the steps to my Creator’s blueprint for the house that is me. The plan calls for a leveling of the lot. The foundation is poured upon the proper preparation. The plan is for something much larger than I think I deserve. In moments of grandiosity, it brings me back to what is reasonable and enough. What would I like in my loved ones’ plans? I can have that. It’s much more complicated than a simple square house; it has beauty in its quirks, strength in its frame, surprises built in. And like the garden which needs to be...

 I had a side yard which was greenish and lush - in a dusty, spiked way - with 4 and 5 foot weeds with deeply entrenched roots. It seemed like an overwhelming task to get rid of them effectively. I researched ways to kill them without using poison (ironic, considering the poison I regularly poured into my body, but I digress…). I settled on a technique I felt confident about, and was successful in killing them off. I cleared out the now dead weeds, and concentrated on my vision for my side yard garden path. Roses here, Lantana there, spring-blooming bulbs in scattered bunches, Jasmine by the rubbish bins, and space to compost. I held that vision in my mind’s eye, and made it happen. The ensuing roses left their lovely scent in my bedroom through the open window, the Lantana bloomed by the fence outside of the office window; loveliness to enjoy while at the desk. The heady scent of Jasmine overrode any odors from the trash. I could then concentrate on other areas of my small yard: O...

 Self-will is not the same as self-dignity.  Self-will is born of immaturity; it is the toddler in a high chair stubbornly turning her face away from the offered nourishment, or throwing her bowl on the floor, just because she can. Many adults still demonstrate the same tendencies on a daily basis, and call it Strength. How often do I ignore the ‘still, small voice’ of a Higher understanding to instead do what I want to do? How often have I seen the signs, bold and in my face or small directional arrows, and have chosen rather to kick down the locked door, only to have found, in retrospect, that it was locked to me for a very good reason? How often do I paint the red flags green? Self-dignity wears a crown of self-respect. Self-will sits on a throne and issues commands without a thought of any effect on others. Self-will is surprised by consequences, while self-dignity can let results speak for themselves. Self-will is Weakness; self-dignity is Willingness.

 “Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -     Emily Dickinson To not know hope is to know bleakness. To not hope is to give up and give in to hopelessness. Can anything be more sad? Hope is seen in Ukraine today in small acts of love, small acts of defiance against evil, comforting others as all experience the same conditions, not giving in to exceedingly difficult odds. This is Righteous Hope - Hope with a capital “H”. Hope is on display in the current David and Goliath story being played out there. Hope keeps me moving forward. It both grounds me and lifts me. Hope is the indefinable essence of serenity. It is that which connects me to my Creator. Hope is Holy. Hope is a gift of surrendering to the underlying truth that the Love that is is always here. When I can be a beacon of hope to others, may I get out of my own way to shine. When I need to be given a reminder, may I see that be...

 What is the essence of persistence? Why do some people succeed at sobriety and others don’t? Is it a case of “drinking the Kool-Aid” instead of alcohol or sugar or perfection or whatever holds us back? There is certainly success both in and out of the rooms. What is my concept of success, and how does it inform my decisions today? For me, there is a sweet relief in turning toward the light, like a sunflower. Drink it in! Feel the warmth of the light rather than the empty glory of the dark. Every day we can see those who have embraced the temporary highs of unearned success, greed, selfishness, lack of empathy for the less fortunate. Every day we see the pull those things have on people. Bigger! Better! Brighter! Richer! Thinner! Taller! Shorter! Anything that allows us to feel separate-from or better-than. Someone has something you want? Take it. Claim it. Go so far as to say “God wanted me to have it”. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Am I, as I like to think, a “spark of the Divin...