Finding “A Reason to Believe”

 I’ve been mad at God many times, mostly when I’ve felt singularly picked on. “Why should I believe in You?”, I’ve whined. “You keep putting me in this crap!”. My angels smile, my guides shrug, and I feel the old refrain of “why me?”. It’s no surprise to any of us that that approach just dug my pit deeper. My lack of perspective kept me mad, sad, and inert.

Drinking didn’t work, but I didn’t let that stop me, until the realization that I had no control and my life had indeed become unmanageable floated into my awareness. That’s when I finally entered the rooms of recovery. I bristled at some of the steps - especially when the male-gendered deity was called upon. I was still estranged for the most part, and had been trying to understand a more personal, less human-imagined God. 

Being open to whatever each step had to teach me led me to a Higher Power of my own understanding, which is a Power I can’t actually understand, but can walk with anyway. I have moved far away from feeling as if bad things were happening to me as the result of some vengeful, angry, up-in-the-sky god who toys with it’s creations, to a completely special, totally unique, and just-like-everyone-else being having a human experience. 

Each day, I wake up and express my thanks for another day with breath. I invite my Creator into my awareness, then proceed to live as a Child of The Divine - fully human, with a willingness to be willing: willing to ‘grow along spiritual lines’, willing to admit when I’m far more aware of my perceived separation from Power than the connection which can’t be severed.

I need no reason to believe - I only need to recognize when I’ve put my blinders back on, have a chuckle with “Team Sandy”, and get on with it.