I am Responsible

 I have a habit of blaming. It goes way back. Taking responsibility was for those who had harmed me or ‘made me’ do something against my will. Apparently, I never internalized the sanctity of “No.”. I blame my parents…I mean, shouldn’t they have taught me that boundaries were important? Shouldn’t they have encouraged a few more “no”s instead of drilling into my psyche the opposite (except for ‘boys’ - there it was a heavy “no”!)? Maybe. Who cares? They taught what they had learned, just as I did. 

I’ve been an adult in age for several decades, but I held onto the the infantile habit of blame for most of them. It has been the working of the steps which has brought me around to some emotional intelligence, emotional sobriety. Most of us don’t automatically change our way of being in the world without some sort of awakening. I’m so thankful that in many ways, I’ve finally grown up. ‘Bout time.

Just exactly as I’ve blamed others for my shortcomings, I’m being blamed in the same way. It’s a karma thing, perfectly natural, if uncomfortable. It’s an awareness I need to have in order to know how my actions impacted others. That knowing is key in the amends-making required of me in Step 9. In learning to take personal responsibility, I am offering both myself and those I’ve hurt in any way a freedom from that heaviness of feelings unexpressed. That offer needn’t necessarily be accepted, but it’s open, honest, and forever there, ready for them to heal when and if they’re ready. 

I am so grateful for the noble way of finding personal redemption. This continuing path is illuminated by the Light I readily accept.