True Ambition

 We hear in the rooms that if we want to have self-esteem, we must do esteem-able things. Bill reminds us in the 12x12 that “True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.” (pp124-125)

My ego always wanted me to be The Star! Literally—I was an actress, after all. In all the jobs I held, I wanted to be recognized, to rise to the top, to be someone other than who I was. I was never satisfied with being ‘one of’; I wanted to be ‘not them’.

Any show of humility was always phony, just like all the other egocentric idiots I couldn’t stand. I knew I was hiding, that I wasn’t anywhere near my aspirations, but I didn’t have a clue how to be honest with myself, let alone anyone else. 

Enter alcohol and my reliance on it. I could hide behind it and within it, blaming it for the bloopers and crediting it for ‘insights’. It allowed me to justify my behavior and my reactions, and to avoid facing my truth. Ambition: be seen as who I wanted to be, while avoiding all work to get me there.

Working the steps, even slowly and very imperfectly, has taught me the truth of Bill’s assessment. My desire is to walk humbly with my Higher Power, the Essence of All, and to serve others in whatever ways I’m able. 

Today I have experienced true self-esteem. I see my attempts to do the next right thing and when those attempts reach their goals. I’m more able to see and acknowledge the many times I get it wrong. I am perfectly imperfect, and that’s just fine.


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