Reflections from Reflections

 What keeps an idea alive? If that idea turns out to be a very universal solution, it lives in changed lives; it is kept alive by the actions that emerge as a result of living  it. Through trust in the words of those whose actions match them, my life has been changed. I’m the same person, but my outlook is different, my motivations are challenged. Why do I do some things which don’t allow me to know my potential for kindness, and why do I deny myself opportunities for growth? These fear-based default settings are challenged daily. My eyes are opened, my excuses are exposed, and I am given encouragement to try again and do better this time. An essential principle at work in this process has been the concept of being of service to others. Stealth acts of kindness are small ways to listen and respond to the needs of others, then letting it be. Open honesty, awareness, and willingness to share my experiences (successful and not so much), give me a foundation upon which I have the ...

 Bill W. was a clever guy. He’s the best known of the founders of 12-step programs, but he didn’t do it alone. It was born of desperation, despair, and brokenness. Even so, with such an important discovery and practice, he dealt with an oversized ego. He may have wanted to shout “Look what I  did!”, and I suspect he found ways to do so, but his overall goal was to freely share his success, and to urge others to share their own. We all fight our own demons. Do we rule them, or is it the other way around? How do I stay aware of them? How do they show up? To my mind, an out-sized ego gives them free reign; if I have no humility, I mistake my demons for myself, and that’s what directs my path. Bill learned that by giving away what had been freely given to him, he was able, through humility, to give that free reign to the higher understanding of the ideas and practices as it chose to be expressed. The establishment of ground rules, of guiding principles, and the reasons why these w...

 The reading today is all about AA and how “it is a story of suffering transmuted, under grace, into spiritual progress”. Who’da thunk? I entered the rooms in March of 2012, and am looking at celebrating my 10th sobriety birthday in April (it turned out that willingly tasting another’s wine was a no-no). I met all sorts of people, all of whom shared a common goal of sobriety and life after drinking. I heard stories which told me that I was not alone. I heard stories of triumph, hope, continuing trials, and the peace that saw them through each day without the need to either celebrate or drown anything out. I saw humility in these folks (most of them!). Being human and dealing with that pushy ego is a daily challenge, one that others were willing to help me with. I entered the rooms as a singular failure; I stayed to continue to invite that grace which precedes spiritual progress into how I live my life, how I deal with others, and how to transmute that suffering I felt and that whic...

 The mask of perfection is fickle. It’s liable to slip off at the most inopportune times. When - not if - it’s challenged, when - not if - the thing is removed and I am exposed, do I accept the challenge of humility to try again - and again - to start over? Once that mask is gone, I have the freedom to fail, to learn why and how that failure happened, and to try once more. I have the freedom to then see whether whatever I’m striving for is within my reach, or is something to leave alone for now.  Either way, I am always alright. I am whole. The mask of perfection - an over-sized, overly strong ego - keeps me hidden. It stops me from reaching my full potential. It keeps me small while appearing to be big . Fear of failure is a hobbling of potential. No one who has succeeded at anything was successful right out of the gate. Persistence coupled with humility and willingness to keep failing is fully human and not at all unique. Even experts have “off” days, but the occasional fail...

 I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. G.K. Chesterton Feeling gratitude is easy when all is well. It’s an expansion of the sense of peace and joy finding expression. It’s more of an exercise of hope when nothing good seems to be happening. There is always  something for which I can be truly, deeply grateful. When I concentrate on those things, I feel physically calmer and more at peace emotionally. I have a name for it: Cellular Gratitude. Maybe there’s a link in the body’s production of oxytocin. I don’t know. I just know that I feel deep gratitude physically, and I like it! I am grateful for gratitude. Finding and expressing my gratitude is an invitation to myself to look deeper, to see the positives, and to be more open and receptive to the beauty as well as the lessons that surround me. It is the building block of serenity. It is the directional arrow to joy in any situation. Bad things happen. The...

 Live by Grace, not Perfection That’s what is written on the sign I chose to take from my friend Janet’s home after she died. It speaks to me, to my all-or-nothing tendencies. Perfection is like a square; even on all sides, sharp corners, unyielding. Grace is more like my favorite symbol, a Yin/Yang. It’s round and contains an equal amount of darkness and light. Without pain, would I know what peace is? Without sadness and regret, would I know happiness and forgiveness? One without the other gives me no understanding, no hope, no perspective.  I’ve made mistakes. I’ve hurt those whom I love most tenderly. I revisit regret, but I live in Hope. I ask for forgiveness, and must then leave it alone if there is nothing further I can do. Where there is darkness, light is on the other side. I trust that the Creator of All will answer all pleas for light. I pray that those I’ve hurt release the hold anger has over them, so that they are able to see that the Sunlight is always there, ev...

 My way or the High way. I am a sovereign being. I get to decide what I do, where I go, with whom I associate. I was always adamant about not being told what to do, while, ironically, giving my power to whomever I admired or feared. I was adept at ignoring the inner urgings with a stubborn insistence on doing what I wanted. I still go there, but now I know where those inner urgings are coming from, and I’m learning every day to  hear  them. The insistence on doing things my way didn’t take me to a deeper understanding of my Creator or any desire to try to do so. I didn’t own those decisions either - I was a blamer. “Look what he/she/they made me do!”. I was an innocent victim. Sh*t kept happening to me, and I blamed God. I was spiritually stagnant and an emotional child. I am and will continue to be a work-in-progress. EGO - Edging God Out - has to be put in it’s proper place (in the corner, sticking its defiant little tongue out at me), while I ask for, open to, and list...

 I was shown examples, given suggestions, and I saw the positive results in others that I wanted for myself. It all seemed so very far from where I was, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I also saw what I didn’t  want for myself, and learned that I can say no to those ideas and directives from anyone, if they don’t fit me at any given time. My way into the rooms was my own. It was similar in many ways to the experiences of others, but was mine to look back on and learn from. My spiritual path - and that’s the essence of the result of seeking and choosing sobriety - is uniquely mine, even as I walk with, behind, and ahead of so many brothers and sisters. I choose my rest stops, and ultimately how long I rest. I choose to move forward. Sometimes I have to retrace my steps to get my bearings, and sometimes I plow ahead with a burst of energy. Sometimes I reach out to help someone on their path when they ask for my help, and sometimes I am the one reaching for assistance. ...

 How many times have I heard “old-timers” saying gems like “Shut up and sit down”, “Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth”, or “You don’t have anything to say that I need to hear”? How often do I forget how it felt to find out that there was a solution to my feeling of desperation and hopelessness? I remember my “pink cloud” stage. I felt free, worthy, hopeful! I had new understanding, and I needed to vocalize it, to give it words, to share my insights. It was so uplifting! It gave me the desire to keep going - to build a strong foundation for the work ahead. I’ve chaired meetings where those pithy old-timers all sat in the back row, occasionally chuckling at something not meant to be funny or quick to correct a misstatement. Cynicism isn’t helpful, friends. Remember what it feels like to fall in love? There’s a giddiness, a joy, a feeling that whatever comes next is a step on a wonderful adventure. This version of a “pink cloud” provides both desire and determi...

 I made a commitment to myself to write every day after meditating on the day’s idea as presented in Daily Reflections. Sometimes the ideas flow, and sometimes I have to dig deep. I find it humorously ironic that with “commitment” as the focus, I’m finding it difficult to complete today’s commitment. This wouldn’t be the time to say to myself that it doesn’t really matter whether I write or not - it’s just my commitment to myself. No big deal. There it is. It’s just  a promise to myself, therefore it lacks priority and value. Bill W’s view was that the key to right principles and attitudes is understanding, while right action  is the key to good living. Studying, meditating, actively thinking about the concepts of how I want to live my life give me understanding. That understanding is nothing without the follow-through of taking the next right action. I honor myself in a healthy way by doing so.

 I think about taking action - and that’s the problem. Or - I take action, then stop and wait for the results.  I bought an exercise bike. Action. I purchased an app which lets me pretend I’m in a class or on the road somewhere pretty. Action. Following through on these initial actions by actually using the bike is the action that counts. Where’s my Creator in this scenario? Perhaps it was in the finding of a piece of equipment that met all my needs but was affordable. It was in finding a “flash sale” at Costco which gave me what I needed for half price. I’d been searching. I’d found what I wanted, but being real about my finances stopped me from plowing ahead. Then, one day - voila! Just what I needed. Now the onus is on me. Do I keep it pretty and new and unused? That wouldn’t be effective beyond my being able to say “Look what I found!”. Taking the action of actually using  it is the “proof in the pudding”. What do I want? Peace, serenity, the ability to do hard things...

 It was the worst Valentine’s Day ever. My expectation was to have an exchange of cards, roses - one dozen, red - and something sweet (dark chocolates, to show you really love me). Even if I had just stopped at the exchange of cards I would have been disappointed, because that didn’t happen. My expectation quickly became a demand, and I let my anger flow. He, in his own anger, left just as dinner (that special pre-packaged Valentine’s Day romantic dinner for two) was ready, to go get me my g*dd*m flowers.  That was a memorable day for all the wrong reasons. One of the “musts” in the Big Book - and there are many for the person who wants to change - is that my wellness depends upon my “trust in God and clean(ing) house”. I can have expectations when dealing with  myself: I expect myself to treat others with kindness; I expect to have enough self-esteem to remove myself from any situation or person which would harm me; I expect myself to try, allow disappointment, and try a...

 Get down off your high horse  -  my mom I tried. I tried to think my way sober. I tried for years . Part of my inability to sober up was the denial that alcohol had become my master. I didn’t admit defeat because my delicate ego wouldn’t accept that. “I’m smarter than this!” became my anthem, as I poured myself another drink (or had a second helping even when full, or spent money I didn’t have of something I didn’t need, or or or). It was all a lack of self-control - isn’t that what Society said? With every failure, I hated myself a little more. “God helps those who help themselves”. I wanted God to do it for me, not with me. My ego had turned from “I’m so smart” to “I’m such a loser”. Both opinions began with “I” and set me at the center of my world. Ego is a funny thing. It can have me believing the most ridiculous things in spite of all evidence to the contrary, while completely poo-pooing any idea of stepping aside to give way to a promise of Loving help outside of m...

 All through the day - I me mine, I me mine, I me mine. All through the night - I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.  George Harrison I think of selfishness and self-centeredness as the “original sin”. Self-centeredness is like the old imagery of the Sun rotating around the Earth. It seemed logical. We are where our attention is, while everything else moves around it. Why not, then, hold myself at the center of my life, beatifically allowing others in and out of my gravitational pull? Each of us, our own little solar system, with ourselves at the center. Hallelujah. Science had to come in and screw everything up. We revolve around the Sun? Outrageous! Blasphemous! Anyone with eyes and common sense can see how completely wrong “science” is! Maybe we’re more like a single atom, constantly in motion, bouncing off other atoms, millions of us coming together as One. Or, we’re each one drop in the ocean, trying to maintain our Sacred Drop-ness. Being human, I have choice. I get to see m...

 “Self-reliance” sounds like a positive thing. Wasn’t I given that right as a sovereign human being? Sure I was. The problem though - as I see it - is that the whole concept of self-reliance attempts to separate me from the All, the Great Love, my Creator. Is there such a thing as separation though? My ego says “yes” when I forget to connect - or more correctly, when I forget that the connection is always there. I can do this thing, because the Power has given me drive, desire, hopes, and the ability to learn and try new things. Fear of failure, fear of lack, fear of feeling anything other than self-satisfaction, is like pulling the shades of my awareness of God. That’s a self-imposed acceptance of a darkness that’s not really there. A willingness to raise the shade is a willingness to see my fears in a new light. I can see the results of those fears on myself and others - how they are at the root of all my “character defects”. The Light is always present. My daily task is to shine...

 Help. Thanks. Wow.  Ann LaMott I watched Nathan Chen own Figure Skating last night. Beauty and grace, strength and control - he made it look easy.  When I first laced up my rental skates and tried to find my balance, I couldn’t even stand, let alone glide, gracefully or otherwise. I immediately concluded that I would never ice skate. Never ever. A few years later, I had a friend who had taken lessons and had been a figure skater. She encouraged me to try again, and she taught me how to center myself and hold my ankles steady. I stayed upright! I skated! All it took was a little instruction from her and willingness from myself. I didn’t become a figure - or any other type of skater, but I learned that I can learn. My friend had learned to glide and jump and twirl on the ice through lessons and hours of practice. Nathan Chen didn’t win gold by simply thinking his way to elegance and perfection. It took years of work, taking direction from others, and picking himself up aft...

 I keep thinking about the story of Paul on the road to Damascus. He was “blinded by the Light”. His spiritual awakening was sudden, unexpected, seemingly unwarranted, life-changing, dramatic. That’s what I wanted - Drama! Certainty! A specific moment in time when I could look back and say “That’s when it happened”. But no. My spiritual awakening is happening in every moment. I was invited and encouraged to develop a “God Consciousness”. I relaxed into the possibility of the reality of a Power greater than myself. I had always believed, but there was a distance; it was that old paradigm of never being good enough, always being judged, not living life right, struggling to stay afloat while my ego shouted “I’m fine!”. I can look back at how my understanding of the “Spiritual Angle” has matured and deepened. The Spirit of Life, Grandfather, the Big Kahuna, Creator, Power, Love, Mother/Father God - these aren’t empty concepts or things to be feared. The Creator encourages me to create,...

 I remember watching a scene from a play about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde where, after drinking his potion, the two personalities fight for dominance. One person, two distinct selves. It was fascinating to watch the transformation from one to the other, each one vying to emerge and strong-arm their opponent. I've felt Ms. Hyde. She appears from time to time in the form of lack, when I forget that all my needs are met. When I’m afraid to enjoy all I have, obsessing instead about what I don’t have, or what I think I want instead. I have a ton of art supplies which I haven’t used, because if I use them, I won’t have them anymore. Yeah, I hear myself. It’s like having but never using the “good china”. Dr. Jekyll enjoys the having, and is afraid of the using, while Ms. Hyde hoards and destroys what she has in the process. Either way, there is no Now, where life is lived and enjoyed. My job, as I see it, is to recognize the fear behind each aspect of Ms. Hyde when she emerges, and to assure...

 Faith says “Keep moving forward”. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m not going back. My path to faith is paved by the stones I thought I had to carry. They’re inscribed with vivid descriptors: Martyrdom, Self-Pity, Resentment - on and on. In the beginning, the inscriptions are so detailed that the stones just look textured. Gradually, as I move forward, the stories get distilled to their essence, to the single words at the heart of my pain excuses.  I’ve been using my paving stones to build walls, but now I’m challenged - encouraged - to pave my own road. It wasn’t laid out by anyone else; I get to design my own pattern as I go. My former wall stones were heavy, and hard to add to the increasing height. Now, all I have to do is drop each one, stomp on it to set it in place, and know that the path itself will show me where to place the next one.  After a while, I can see that many of the stones have no inscriptions - they glow with individual beauty, from matrix to cry...

 After the Great Humbling of Step One, comes the emerging hope of Step Two - “Came to believe…” How many times have I thought, said, or heard someone else say “Thank you - I heard what I needed to hear”? That represents a moment outside of self, when ego has stepped away. I didn’t understand why people who had years of sobriety kept going to meetings. Weren’t they cured yet? What was the matter with them? I thought there was a deficiency of some kind - that they were somehow stalled in their development, keeping them in this mindset of All AA, All the Time. But I kept coming back. I heard others tell my story. I heard the similarities, even when the details were very different. Most of the time, I left feeling buoyed. Sometimes, it was me saying what I needed to hear. Quite often, I heard the continuing struggles and witnessed the emotional growth of those willing to listen to their Higher Power, speaking through others in both words and actions. I receive encouragement from my Sob...

 Two posts with the same title? What? Wait a minute - what day is this?  I’m just going to go with it, and get back on track tomorrow. All is well, even if I’m a little confused! Today’s reading from Daily Reflections is titled “A Glorious Release”.  It feels like what I posted could be the rumination from the skipped reading. All is well! Tomorrow, A Rallying Point, February 6.

 “No mud, no lotus” Thich Nhat Hanh It happens. All is well until it’s not. I can suddenly find that the sunlight has disappeared, the wind is whipping up, the sky’s gone dark, and I’m barefoot in a mud pit. I can’t see which way to go, I’m tired, I’m disillusioned. If I can’t see my way out, what do I do? I feel utterly alone. I want to be rescued, but I’m beyond help. Even my Higher Power is missing. Do I burrow in the mud? Wait it out? That seems like a good idea, since there is no way out. I feel the mud around my feet and wiggle my toes. There is an unexpected pleasantness in how it feels, so I take a step. I take action by moving, being careful to avoid rocks and other obstructions, but still moving. In the tiny steps, my Higher Power is experiencing what I’m experiencing - the Creator experiencing Creation. I don’t feel so lost and hopeless; I can’t see it yet, but by moving, I’ve invited Light in. I willingly step into the sudden downpour, aware that I’m being cleansed of a...

 “And it’s ever-present everywhere”  Van Morrison When my faith is missing, that (faith) is the thing that has gone underground. My Higher Power, the Spirit of Life, the Creator, hasn’t “gone” anywhere. I’ve closed myself off to Love, Ease, Acceptance, Gratitude. My pride is hurt because something in my life isn’t meeting my conscious or unconscious expectations, and I’m mad. I have maybe equated smooth sailing with my awareness of my Higher Power, forgetting that I’m reminded to “meet life on life’s terms”. I don’t set those parameters. My challenge is to meet each difficult situation in the same way that I react to what I think is good. My life is my school, and sometimes my teachers are unpleasant or boring or seem biased against me. That’s okay. There’s a lesson for me, if I tune in, get over my snit, and allow myself the humility to learn. In Christianity, even Jesus had a crisis of faith when he asked “Why have You forsaken me?”. Perhaps other faith communities have simi...

 A return to sanity… I try to recall when that was, and all I see are the goofs, the errors in judgement, the uncertainty all the way back. Is this individuation? The birth of the ego? The development of character defects? Perhaps ‘sanity’ means emotional maturity - not possible as a child, only emerging in relation to my understanding of myself mixed with the humility to see myself as one of many, each of us unique, each of us the same. A return to sanity might be a return to emotional freedom. A knowledge that I am that I am. I have the knowledge that I am complete, just as I am. I am aware - when I am being honest with myself - of those defects of character that separate me from others. When I feel elevated from others, or unworthy of being with them - it all depends on the group. Can I see our commonality? Do they have to have the same understanding as I do at any given time about any given thing? Hardly. Others don’t need to see me in the way I want to be seen, and that makes ...

 Rescued by Surrendering 2/2/22 Ego - surrender - humility The image I got was of a bud, steadfastly refusing to open. It’s comfortable, just as it is, tightly wound and safe from anything that might steal its nectar. Even in the sunlight, it refuses to open. The inevitable result is death - an early death, before it can realize it’s true beauty and interconnectedness. Selfishness in 3D. Will. Openness to my Higher Power’s will results in opening to my full potential. Beautiful to see, delightful, open to the interconnectedness of those who need my gifts to live and contribute. Open to the ones who, by their very presence, give me the gift of growth into a new generation. Surrender is seeing and accepting that which is true. It’s taking off the glasses of self-delusion and self-importance and victimhood, and rising, naked, unafraid, with acceptance of unchangeable flaws and a steady willingness to correct that which can be corrected. It’s seeing the truth and universality of that. ...

 The Power greater than myself gives me power within myself. It is . I tap into the greater power and am filled with possibility. I am a creator - not The Creator, but a  creator, learning to create. The gift I give myself is to step out of my self-limiting comfort zone and allow myself to play . This isn’t an intellectual pursuit as such (but can be, if I choose), but a deeper, more intuitive partnership with that Power. The mental image I had during meditation was of a newborn, still attached by the umbilicus to it’s mother. It receives the power to breathe, and is compelled to do so, even when it hurts to so so at first. It must, as the tether must be cut. I have been given the gift to begin again. I get to recognize the power of creator within myself, and I am allowed and encouraged to find joy in what comes from that. I am allowed to have more of what brings me joy. I learn to accept this as I learn to step out of my comfort zone (womb) and breathe.