Reflections from Reflections

 I started writing my daily reflections in January, although I didn’t start posting them until February. It’s been a journey of self-discipline, even as I missed a few days. It’s also been a dive into a creative outlet, one which I plan to build on.  I don’t know yet what I’ll focus on in the New Year, but I know that, for me, daily writing has been a joyful experience. I have been honored to share it, and will continue to do so. Thank you to those who have read it and have been encouraging - this experiment has been buoyed by you! Thanks also for the many lessons I’ve learned about myself. I’ve been humbled, shown with bright lights how my thinking has led me into shadows, and challenged to see things from a Higher perspective.  The Light in me recognizes and celebrates the Light in you. Namasté 🙏

 In “As Bill Sees It” on page 284, we are reminded that living one day at a time applies primarily to our emotional life: “Emotionally speaking, we must not live in yesterday, nor in tomorrow.” Spiritual masters in all times remind us of this simple fact—all I have is this moment.  When I slip into ruing the actions or non-actions of the past, I am out of this moment, dwelling in a never-land of regret and shame. When I future-trip, I am equally not present in the moment. Day-dreaming about where I’d like to be can be inspiring, if, after prayer and meditation, I have a goal in mind and I take the necessary actions to achieve it. If, however, I indulge in the kind of thinking which leads only to despair (When I win the Lotto, for instance), I’m not only not living in today, I am in a la-la land of pure fantasy. The drop back into reality hurts! If I choose to dwell in worry about what might  happen, I am not living my today. I choose to, as Baba Ram Dass said, “be here no...

 Bill wrote that “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions…”. What an interesting concept this is! I wouldn’t necessarily match the one with the other, so it gives me something to meditate on. How does anonymity contribute to my spiritual link? Why is it considered a foundational component? I think it has everything to do with humbling myself - with the knowledge gained in Step 1, that I, by myself, am powerless over alcohol and everything else. If I accept that powerlessness is not failure, then I can concentrate on whatever is mine to do, and let the rest be. There exists, I believe, a Greater Love, an indefinable Something which guides me when I ask, which assures me that I am never facing challenges alone. I have come to my own understanding of my Higher Power through the principle of anonymity—being one of many, not one alone. One with guidance, never alone in the dark, recognizing my own lack of personal importance, but having a magnified importance when wo...

 Bill tells us, on page 125 of the 12x12 that “the joy of good living is the theme of A.A.’s Twelfth Step.” How can I experience joy if I am stuck in fear? Or if I keep mentally regurgitating the past? Or if I’m so self-absorbed that I’m unable or just unwilling to be of service to another alcoholic, or of anyone in need? If I’ve worked the previous eleven steps diligently and honestly, then wanting to be a helper in this world comes as a natural progression. Joy exists in the meeting of each new challenge with grace, and in the sharing of that grace by seeing others as we see ourselves—once broken, now whole.  I feel able to look challenges in the eye and know that the Light will always shine, that darkness is a temporary state, and that we all share a holy worthiness. I am capable of seeing myself in you, and offer myself as a mirror to your value, a holder of Light until you can see that you are a holder of Light as well. Joy is quiet serenity in all storms as well as all c...

 In the beginning of my time going to meetings, it was all about listening. I shared when called on, but I was operating on new information. New understanding can come from anyone, I believe, regardless of their time in recovery, so it can be enlightening to hear a newcomer’s fresh insights.  When anyone comes to a meeting, they have suited up and shown up. When asked to be of service, our aim is to do the same. I’ve had to remind myself sometimes that going to a meeting when I’d rather not is being willing to be of service. In those early days of mine, I wouldn’t have had any moments of insight without the more experienced members being there and sharing their experience, strength, and hope. Maybe they didn’t particularly need  a meeting, but I needed to see them and hear what they had to say. They suited up and showed up. It’s a simple enough idea. Be present. Be available. Be vulnerable. Be a beacon of hope, showing that working the program worked for me in finding sob...

 I can’t separate my alcoholism from the day-to-day living of my life. It isn’t feasible to try to compartmentalize my recovery from any other part of my life. When I utilize the principles of the program, especially as they show up in the spiritual link with my Creator, I am using them for all aspects of my life. What a concept! When I find myself indulging in behavior which is just self-serving, my awareness no longer allows me to operate in ignorance. Far from being an out for those aspects which don’t serve my highest good, I can see how operating in the darkness leads me further into darkness. No thanks! I have experienced the Sunlight of the Spirit, where I can be fully myself—the best version. I still stumble around, but when I realize I’ve gone rogue, I can utilize those aspect of the program which allow me to live in the Light, whether it’s getting out of my own way by being of service to someone, or talking to a fellow journeyer, or going within to refresh my connection w...

 I used to blown apart by difficulties. It wasn’t fair, or maybe it was, but c’mon! Why me? Was I a monster in a previous life? Getting real has been a ‘long, strange trip’; one which has reacquainted me with the sturdiness of Truth. When life pounds me, how do I react? Am I getting pounded because I’m a bad person? Am I somehow deficient in who I am? What am I doing wrong?  No, I’m not a bad person. No, I am not deficient in any way, nor am I doing anything wrong. I just may not be looking at my situation through the eyes of Serenity and Peace. I can always try harder, be or do better, but I am living a fully human life. Life in the physical plane is for learning and growing, falling and getting back up, trying again, and forgiving myself when I fail to meet a goal. I am loved by Love, I am sustained by Truth, and I am held in an Infinite Embrace. There is no ‘success’ or ‘failure’ in this process. There is only the expectation that I love others as I wish to be loved. That I...

 Thy will, not my will be done. How hard these words are to implement in an ego-driven life! I always figured that since God had given me my ability to think and reason, then it ought to be MY will, not thy will be done. I look back and see where that got me, and still misdirects me when I try to be the one in charge. Oh, my goodness, have I ever made some mistakes! Usually, if I was asking for direction, it usually went something like “Okay, God—here’s what I really, really want to do. Please make it your will for me”. I can assure you that those requests, followed by my impulsive actions, resulted in damage to myself and to others. That’s not the way I choose to live my life anymore. I’m still learning, but awareness puts me on the right path.  Step 12 instructs me to practice the principles in all my affairs, Step 11 tells me that I’ll find direction through the process of asking followed by deep listening, and Step 10 keeps me from wandering too far off my chosen path thro...

 Living a spiritual life is absolutely compatible with living life as it comes. I am a spiritual being and I am a physical being.  Bill reminds us of this on page 130 of the Big Book. He asks us if we can accept success without pride, and failure without despair; these are fruits of living in a spiritual oneness with our fellow travelers. I have found myself stuck in the process of seeking. If I always identify as a ‘seeker’, then I will always be seeking. Perhaps it is true that what I sought was always within—my reactions have skirted my awareness (or lack of awareness) in order to luxuriate in victimhood. Life is too precious for that! When life shows up in a way in which I’d like to judge as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, I have the awareness of Oneness to rest in. I have my sisters and brothers in sobriety to give me perspective. I have meetings which inspire me, and speakers online to tune into whenever I want. What an amazing abundance of support! I don’t mean to minimize life’s cha...

 These are the Three Legacies, imprinted on every chip I’ve received. They form the triangle in our AA emblem, reminding us of their basic necessity. The triangle is equilateral; no single legacy is more important than any other. This was the topic of the last meeting I attended, and the perfect simplicity was evident in all the shares I heard. Every person who contributed added to my understanding, beautifully illustrating elements I hadn’t considered or had glossed over. In Unity, they were of Service, sharing about their own Recovery. No one person had to have a perfect share—all worked together like facets on a diamond, creating a deepening of everyone’s personal experience. That’s how we roll. I learn from others, and if I share, I hope others learn from me. When anyone has difficulty in their journey and can share that, the Unity of the group holds them in loving care. The one-on-one fellowship of sponsorship explores those hard times and is a vital part of the Recovery of bo...

 Judgement has always been one of my character challenges. It’s the tool I find myself using to gauge where I am; to find myself worthy, I suppose, by using comparison. In the working of my program, I am confronted with this tendency. I am challenged to find my way through communication with my Higher Power, and through confronting myself whenever I find myself in the process of judging. Judging another person on the path is noticing and focusing in on our differences, rather than what makes us fellow journeyers on the path of sobriety. I’m learning to put those differences aside, and to see that when I don’t, I’m impeding my own growth. We are different people, with different backgrounds and beliefs. The thing that binds us together as one is the program. When I concentrate on how I am like the person I’ve judged, I can see and feel our kinship. We purposefully don’t bring politics or other hot outside issues into the rooms, so that we can all work together on our individual spiri...

 Today’s reading reminds me that when I work with another alcoholic, we are on equal footing. It doesn’t make any difference how much time I have in sobriety; what matters is that I listen to them, share what I did (if I have that experience), and ask their Higher Power to open their minds to what It would say to them. I’m no expert—I only have what I have personally gleaned from working the program for myself. When I find myself thinking that I know what they ‘should’ do, I need to go very gently. What I might really be doing is going into a judgement of them or their situation. I’m in no position to do that. I have my own experiences. I have questions about the situations I find myself facing. I would rebel and shut down if someone started telling me just exactly what to do. Those answers, for all of us, need to come from the deep listening to our own Higher Powers, and from that instinctual knowing which has been all but obliterated by societal norms coupled with mind-numbing dr...

 I think society teaches us to be transactional, to ask ‘what’s in it for me?’. It’s all about quid pro quo: something for something. In my recovery work, I find again and again that to give wholeheartedly, without expectation (and whenever possible, without acknowledgement), is to grow spiritually. Whenever I cry out “Look what I  did!”, the act of kindness becomes all about me. That’s a very good way to negate the kindness and plant seeds of resentment, both in myself and others. When I manage to show kindness for the sake of kindness, there are no expectations. When in the classroom of driving, I’ll let other drivers go ahead of me rather than speeding up to “let” them go behind me. When I’m not doing it out of kindness, I get bothered by the expectation of receiving a wave of thanks when it doesn’t come. Releasing my expectations (which is a practice) frees me to express kindness for it’s own sake.  Our 12th Step is key to learning how to do this. We are asked to be o...

 A bodily craving coupled with a mental obsession—that’s the one-two punch of an addiction. When that addiction is to alcohol, for example, it becomes deadly. We’ve seen it, we’ve felt it, and, if we’ve been working the program, we've found a spiritual solution to it. That doesn’t mean that my compassion has grown. Sometimes I have felt an impatience with those who have thrown up emotional barriers to their sobriety. The control-freak within wants to shake them and tell them to just do it! Just do it like this! Just listen to me! Obsessions don’t allow for any voices that sound like “well, why don’t you just _____?” Answers to life’s vexing problems seem clear only when viewed from the rear-view mirror. The way wasn’t clear when I started my path, so how can I expect any different perspective from others? I had to step out in the faith that it worked for a great many others, some even like the “terminally unique” me! I had to find out for myself. I had to grow into the willing...

 I’ll be honest right now - I’ve had a less-than-sterling last few days, but all is well. My son had a close encounter with his own mortality, and came back stronger, wiser, and facing his own hard decisions. He’s equipped to do so, and he has my admiration for his internal as well as physical strength. I was able to be with him and witness his strength and maturity.  I had my own misadventures with the digital age and old-person-travelling. If that’s not a recognized disorder, it should be. I probably shouldn’t leave home alone. Speaking for me personally, the one who didn’t have to face her own mortality, I can say that the spiritual strength which I learned and practiced within my years in our program, kept me afloat. I would certainly have cried buckets in which to drown if I hadn’t learned a deeper, truer spirituality and oneness with The One. The One who “protects us from nothing, but sustains us in everything”. I can’t take on my children’s tough realities, but I can of...

 I have to always take care that when I try to reach out to others, I’m not actually reaching down. Lack of humility will make me feel that sense of  “I know and you don’t, so I will magnanimously teach you”. What a crock! I am learning, day-by-day, and a huge part of that process is listening. When I listen to the wisdom of others, I grow in my personhood. I can learn from the recovered alcoholic as well as from the ones who are still searching for their own serenity. We all have morsels of strength and nuggets of knowledge to offer. That lack of humility has been a recurring theme for me. The way it manifested most often (and can still pop up) is in the resentment of feeling that everyone else knew what they were doing, while I was at sea. When I recognize that in others, it is my job to hear and acknowledge what they have to offer while they don’t think that’s a possibility. I see you; I hear you; I value you because you have value. When I feel that sense of knowing better ...

 As noted by today’s author, the most profound 12th step work was to create and publish our Big Book. Where would we be without it? I feel a tremendous depth of gratitude to the early pioneers for their amassed wisdom, and to their tenacity in seeing that it could be shared more widely than they could imagine. What a gift of love that was! I count myself among the fortunate who have taken their advice to heart, to the best of my ability. I no longer feel helpless and hopeless, unable to find my value. I have found, through the selfless service and examples of others both in the book and in person, a way of life in which I have experienced serenity. What a thing! Life happens the way life happens, but I greet it differently, with more peace and less fear. It’s a process, for sure. I have a lifetime of coping mechanisms to rewire, and daily opportunities in which to practice. Because of the whole concept of being there to help others, I can reach out in person, online, via recorded s...

 I finally have something to offer. After decades of self-centeredness and self-pity, I can now be honestly, truly, deeply useful to others. In the process, I find meaning and purpose to my own life. This, as Bill writes on page 109 in the 12x12, “is the payoff, the magnificent reality, of Alcoholics Anonymous.” What a statement! What a glorious reality this is! I am learning, all the time, to be a channel of the Divine, a co-creator of peace and serenity for others as well as for myself. This is a beautiful loop of serving and receiving; shareable, multiplying, turbo-charged. All this from the simple yet difficult humbling as a result of accepting powerlessness in the face of physical craving and mental obsession. What felt like utter defeat has become the doorway to freedom. What I have received is amplified by the sharing of it. It’s a good kind of infectious, like innocent laughter and smiles.  Peace within, serenity in all things - this is a message I’ll gladly share!

 Love, if truly and freely given, is not transactional. Any thought of tit-for-tat gives it a negative vibe, and won’t be effectively seen as a gift. If I do something nice for someone else, then mentally keep a scorecard, I haven’t done that deed out of love, which keeps both parties in a state of tension. I seek release! When I share in the true spirit of Step 12, I am exhibiting for both of us the value of Love.  This was a revelation to me. My mental scorecards took no notice of kindness shown to me, because I questioned the ‘why’ behind it. What were they getting out of it? I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of feeling proud of themselves at my expense. What a cynical being I’ve been! It was simply a reflection of my inner justifications. I recognized kindness, but if I truly believed in it’s purity, I couldn’t excuse my own thoughts and I could ‘act’ kind, and act surprised when that kindness - which I expected - was returned. The truth is, as today’s author no...

 Imagine choosing, working for, hoping to have, and finally purchasing the car of your dreams. She’s a beauty! She’s all you’ve ever wanted, and she’s yours! You can’t wait to tell everyone that you finally possess a thing of such beauty. In order to keep her free from bird droppings, shopping cart dings, and possible fender-benders, you keep it safely tucked away in the garage. You can go there any time you want to admire the perfection, which you jealously guard by never driving her. What good would that be? The car would look perfect and probably never suffer damage, but how would you get anywhere? Of what use is it, except to be something to brag about? So it is with what Bill called “our twelfth suggestion:  Carry this message to other alcoholics!” Sobriety is my vehicle. I’ve listened to advice, I worked for it, I follow suggestions, and I take the action required to keep it gassed up and ready to use. I mess up and keep it in Neutral instead of Drive, but I know how and...

 We hear in the rooms that if we want to have self-esteem, we must do esteem-able things. Bill reminds us in the 12x12 that “True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.” (pp124-125) My ego always wanted me to be The Star! Literally—I was an actress, after all. In all the jobs I held, I wanted to be recognized, to rise to the top, to be someone other than who I was. I was never satisfied with being ‘one of’; I wanted to be ‘not them’. Any show of humility was always phony, just like all the other egocentric idiots I couldn’t stand. I knew I was hiding, that I wasn’t anywhere near my aspirations, but I didn’t have a clue how to be honest with myself, let alone anyone else.  Enter alcohol and my reliance on it. I could hide behind it and within it, blaming it for the bloopers and crediting it for ‘insights’. It allowed me to justify my behavior and my reactions, and to avoid facing my truth. Ambition: be seen as who I wanted to be, wh...

 I used to desire solitude, but I feared it too. The concept of being alone with just my God scared me into non-action. I just knew that I would be expected to be someone I’m not, or would feel compelled to action I didn’t feel competent enough to perform. I was too dependent on others to be by myself and too scared of a god which would demand too much of me to ask for guidance. I hoped I wouldn’t have to think about any of this when I drank. It didn’t necessarily work - I felt my sense of being lost even more deeply. I have now come to an understanding—always deepening—that I am in a relationship of mutual love and respect with my Creator. I am a sovereign being, an emissary of the Spirit of Creation, never alone, always guided. This relationship is loving, accepting, and challenging; never judgmental or threatening. This is the understanding which works for me. You get to come to your own, and yet, we’re both right.  This relationship keeps me afloat when I feel unmoored. It...

 I, like so many others including today’s author, thought that a spiritual awakening was a one-time event in which there would be a bright light, sudden awareness, and possibly a few trumpets. I would know  it had occurred, and I would have a great story to tell! That’s what my ego wanted. Instead, like today’s author and so many hundreds of thousands, I can confidently say that the “new state of consciousness” is one that appears gradually, and is truly visible only in retrospect. There was no sudden arrival at the goalpost - in fact, the goalpost has been removed. There is no “there” there. There is only this moment, and in this moment, I am at peace. What a far-removed state of being from when I was hiding behind bottles and inner battles. One of the mantras we hear in the rooms is “One Day at a Time”. It starts off being only about drinking: just for today, today I will abstain. What I find is that it becomes a much larger mantra: just for today, I will stay in this moment...

 It isn’t enough to simply get sober. I came to the rooms of AA to find sobriety, but I knew that doing the work was how I’d get there. What I didn’t realize at the time was that ‘doing the work’ would be a continuous effort.  The work begins within. I had to confront the way I was thinking and the manners in which I lived my life. I certainly knew what didn’t work, and was ready to submit, surrendering my will to Something Greater - but what? How? We have a ladder out of the pit of despair with 12 steps. Only 12, no matter how shallow or deep the hole. We have a guidebook which explains them, and several books which look at each step individually, helping us to internalize the way taking that step strengthens us for the next. That takes Action - reading, journaling, praying, and meditating, as well as asking another to help us along the way. Sponsorship, both receiving and giving, is Action. I learn how my unexplored actions have hurt myself and others, and what to do about t...

 I sing with a group of lovely people, and a song popped into my mind as I read today’s Daily Reflection. It’s a chant -  Soften my heart, with a counter melody of the same phrase in Spanish - Suavizando mi corazón. They’re simply repeated four times with a gentle, lilting melody, repeating as the words continue to soothe and invite ease and serenity. The idea of carrying the principles in all my affairs becomes a challenge as I face all aspects of my life. One of my best teachers is my ex-husband. I was determined to live my principles in the process of separating and divorcing, which, not surprisingly, was a major challenge. Tempers sometimes flared; they taught me boundaries. Resentments arose; they taught me to prioritize. Differences were highlighted; they taught me to be kind anyway. The challenge given us is to “practice these principles in all our affairs”. I don’t always rise to that goal, but when I fall short, I see where I took a wrong turn, and course-correct. I f...

 Serenity is like the flower that grows through the break in the sidewalk. It is like the tree sprouting from a rocky cliff, the beauty within a faceted diamond. Serenity is peace within, no matter what. It is the light which pushes out through the cracks. I can find myself spinning when I’m out of sync with that peace. That feeling used to be my ‘normal’ - lost, lonely, out-of-sorts, unhappy. In “The Doctor’s Opinion”, we alcoholics are described as “restless, irritable, and discontented…”. That describes perfectly the lack of personal serenity which can envelop my joy and make me forget who I am. We have tools in working the steps. These spiritual socket wrenches are readily available whenever I find myself starting to need to be repaired - stop, breathe, ask for help, pray, listen, journal, meet with others, get out of my own head, help someone, be of service, express thanks. Return to Center. Repeat as needed until my new normal is restored. The Serenity Prayer is a vital mantr...

 Step 12 says, in part, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps…”  (emphasis added). Is it possible to have a result without the work necessary to achieve it? Maybe so, but if I want to ensure a particular outcome, I’d be wise to follow prescribed steps to it’s becoming a reality.  Wanting to stop my destructive habits got me in the door, but the process has given me a depth of Oneness with a Higher Power that I never expected. I had, and continue to have, a spiritual awakening which is the source of my serenity. Inner turmoil has been (mostly) kicked out and (mostly) replaced with a strength of peace with what is. I have my moments of regression, but the ruts in that road are quietly being filled in. My wagon wheels don’t automatically find them anymore, giving me more freedom to follow the paths of my choice, rather than that which was dictated by unthinking repetition. I’m learning to consult with my Source, then to, as Thoreau wrote, ‘go co...