Reflections from Reflections

 It’s a paradox - each of us is entirely unique yet exactly alike. I often hear the advice to listen for the similarities, while forgetting the differences, and it’s truth is healing. That desire to be ‘different from’ will keep me from being able to learn from others. The need to be set apart must be channelled into awareness of our sameness. I am a snowflake! I am uniquely beautiful and wondrously formed, but so are all the other snowflakes. We all arose from similar conditions, we all have six sides, and we all group together as one. In those times when I have to be reminded, it is vital for my recovery to remember that we’re all here because none of us have the control to reform ourselves into 3- or 8-sided or any other kind of stars, no matter how hard we try.  When I recognize myself in another, whether due to relatability or because something about them bugs me and I see in that something about myself I dislike, I am invited to use that insight to grow. My desire to be ...

 No ‘strings’ = no conditions. Unconditional love. Love in action without expectation or thought of reciprocation. When I can accept freedom from the “bondage of self” (Big Book, page 63), I am closer to this goal. Acts of service keep me moving in the right direction and offer me the practice of humility. I know the feeling of unlovability. I know the despair of lack of self-worth. I know the shame of past actions. I have hated myself, and cursed at my image in the mirror. Unconditional love was an unreachable concept, to both give and receive. That wasn’t a permanent state of affairs for me, but it gave me a look at hopelessness from a perspective I hope to never see again. Enter alcohol. First, it allowed for more ‘fun’. My appreciation for myself was only valid when I wasn’t myself. I know how that feels. My experience can finally be of benefit to others who are on their own paths of sobriety. As I was given the opportunity to receive this pure form of friendship, I have also b...

 Service to others is not service if it’s transactional. What has been so freely given to me, I must, in turn, freely give to others. I can naturally want to share the goodness I’ve found in sobriety with like-minded women. It’s genuine and easy. But what about those with whom I don’t feel a commonality? My continuing recovery isn’t very solid if I allow myself to be negatively influenced by my perception of our differences. That’s not to say that it isn’t an issue for me sometimes - I can be a very opinionated person, easily turned off by my own prejudices.  I do understand, though - and have experience here - that when I look for what we do have in common, the rest falls away. We all get to express our preferences and live our lives as well as possible. It’s my privilege to connect with those who are unlike myself in so many ways but this: we all have admitted our fallibility, our lack of control, and our need for the guidance of a Power greater than ourselves. In this arena...

 This is the recurring theme in my recovery which continues to be a challenge - my wanting my children to forgive my misdeeds and misplaced priorities. I find myself attached to that outcome, when, in fact, I have no control over their reactions. My peace must come from the living amends I try to make by being emotionally available to them, and the assurance that in all things, all is well. I have to honor their own processes, and accept where they’re at, even if it means I’m forever held accountable. In this, I must have the willingness to accept that which I cannot change in order to have personal serenity. This is what illustrates most vividly to me that recovery is a process. One of the ninth step promises is “We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it”. I’m holding that promise in my heart. The promises are given as assurance of the results of making amends. It’s very clear that simply saying “I’m sorry” is an empty, overused, meaningless phrase until I can t...

 No guru, no method, no teacher  Just you and I and nature  And the Father in the garden    Van Morrison Call It what you like - God, Father, Mother, Spirit, Power - that spiritual connection is the most important factor in achieving and maintaining the gift of sobriety. I tuned in, early on, when a fellow traveler defined humility as being ‘right-sized’. I’ve heard that term many times since then, and it always strikes me as a term I can both accept and understand. Feeling humiliated many times in the past, I made the incorrect connection to humility as a willingness to be humiliated again and again. No way was I going to ascribe to that, until I understood the difference. Now I get it, and keep being reminded. I’m not in charge! What a relief! When I was ‘in charge’ of my life, I made ridiculous decisions. I made painful choices which hurt not only myself, but those I loved. I elevated alcohol to the top priority, at the expense of all else. I would have said ...

 Just like so many who came before - and after - me, my initial aim was to fix the problem of not being able to stop drinking. I’d throw myself into the program, do all the things, learn what I needed to learn about myself, then - ta-da! - I'd be good as new, able to control my drinking. When I found out that a woman I admired had over 30 years of sobriety, I was confused and a little sad for her. “Why are you still coming to meetings?” I asked. She seemed surprised by my question, and just laughed a little bit. “Because I don’t want to drink again” was her reply. It can be an intimidating thought, that truth of never being able to drink again. It can feel like a punishment resulting in self-pity. On top of that feeling of it being ‘no-fair’, I immediately sought blame. It was because of HIM. It was because SHE did this or said that. THEY just didn’t understand. It didn’t take long to start to see the very positive side of attaining and maintaining sobriety. I have a lively spiritu...

 Weren’t we all! My ego wants me to be different from, not the same as. It tells me I am better than and that I am more cursed, both smarter than and knowledge-challenged, not understood and completely transparent. The truth is that I am all of these things, just not always at the same time, just like everyone else. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and until I could recognize that in myself, I would continue to learn humility the hard way. One of the best things (besides sobriety) that I have learned and am continuing to learn, is to find that balance between defects and strengths. Humility teaches me to be honest about my deficits - to recognize them when they reappear and deal with them promptly, and to be awakened to my actual strengths of character. What had been bluff could be coaxed into being. I can build upon those assets of character, to be the person I always dared not believe I could be, and to encourage others to do the same.  This is what builds commu...