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Showing posts from July, 2022

Giving Back

 It can sometimes feel like I have nothing to give. That happens when I think I’m in charge, and when I’ve lost connection with the Spirit of the Universe. That connection is only lost when I fail to plug into the All That Is. The truth of spiritual connection is felt most clearly during prayer and meditation. Prayer can be as simple as “Help!”, and meditation is simply listening for the solution, then taking action. That spiritual connection is referred to by Bill W. as a “limitless lode”, to be mined for the rest of our lives. I love the mental image of that! Limitless - always present, but up to me to obtain. Without personal effort, the possibilities just remain covered up. God, to my understanding, doesn’t swoop in like Superman to save the day. My Creator gave me the wherewithal to find that lode, thanks to the examples of others, and to work it. As it is limitless, there is no need for me to feel like I must hoard it. It is mine to find and to give away just as quickly and f...

Those Who Still Suffer

 We are each free to find and follow our own path. That’s hard to remember sometimes, especially when I think I’ve stumbled onto the Secret of Life. What works for me, what my understanding is, and how I apply that to my situation isn’t necessarily going to fit another.  That is so in A.A. as well. We have the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts, but all are suggestions. Each of us is free to determine how - or whether - to follow them. My experience won’t mirror anyone else’s, and I can’t determine how those with whom I work will grasp and use anything I offer. I’m reminded of how siblings within a family have their own recollections and interpretations of their parents and their shared history. Those memories are individual, based on many differing factors. I can’t see life through my sister’s eyes - I can listen to her talk about her memories, and try to place myself in the same timeframe. What was I doing then? How did I feel? How are we alike, and how are we different? Is my ...

Anonymous Gifts of Kindness

 I always felt that I need rescuing. It could well be that that idea started with childhood fairy tales, the era in which I came of age, and cultural norms. But what about when I became an adult? I had many moments of self-sufficient strength, but they were simply moments - islets in a vast ocean of  “I’m not enough”. It’s not surprising, then, to learn that alcoholics tend to be takers - I was right at home in expecting others to do for me what I didn’t believe I could do for myself. I’m learning - and it’s a process - to be that grown-up I always wanted to have in my life. I just never thought it was me! I grew used to expecting hand-outs, whether or not I received them. I had the mindset which told me I was special, I deserved because I needed. Not surprisingly, the truth is that everyone deserves, we all have needs, and as a community, we can carry others when they crumble, just as they carry me when I break down. If I recognize that just as sometimes I need a little help,...

Giving Freely

 What has kept our organization going for so long? How on earth does a disparate group of former drunks corral their pride and egos to keep A.A. accessible and available to all who desire freedom from the destructive grip of alcoholism? Simple, really. We honor the sacrifices made by our founders. We follow the guidelines set down in the Traditions. We recognize the wisdom in the adage “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. And - importantly - we give of ourselves. We give our time to attend meetings, to organize new meetings whenever there’s a need to do so, we make ourselves available to others as sponsors and step guides, we step up in rotational leadership roles, we contribute our money to support each group, area, and A.A. as a whole. we do whatever needs to be done without thought of renumeration or reward. For us, passing the message of hope is both a privilege and a sacred responsibility. The onus never falls on the shoulders of one person or the same group of people. As member...

The “Worth” of Sobriety

 One look at politics these days tells me everything I need to know about our Seventh Tradition - “Every A.A. group should be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions”. There is too much implied ownership which comes along with financial “gifts”. Large donors expect large rewards, and feel that they now have a voice in all decisions. That doesn’t mesh with the idea of a “group conscience” when it comes to how any individual group is going to order their priorities.  All groups agree to abide by the Traditions, just as each individual is expected to follow the suggested steps, if they truly want to experience the spiritual release from addiction which has been enjoyed by countless others through the decades. The Traditions are the gutter bumpers in the bowling alley, the direction signs on our path to the summit. So - what am I contributing? Since Zoom meetings have been so prevalent, it’s been easy for me to skate, to attend without giving. When I go to in-person...

Those Who Still Suffer

 Despite taking medication for depression, sometimes the blues come to visit anyway. The temporary feels permanent, and, if I don’t stay aware, the permanent can appear to be temporary. I’ll explain. I am an alcoholic. If I purposefully take a drink, I am one who will continue. I don’t have a built-in modifier, telling me to stop. Instead, there is a take-over of any semblance of self-control, and I stop caring what my intentions were. I’ll have another just because it’s there. I may know it would be a really good idea to stop, but I won’t. I might think to myself that since I’m already feeling it, another drink won’t matter. I may decide that since there will be a hangover, what the hell - have another. Tomorrow will be a day to have self-discipline.  I know in my depths that instead of the “sophisticated” slight buzz, I’ll be the one smelling of vomit and slouched over the table drooling and unaware. I’ll be the one who starts off laughing too loudly, too often, and at anyth...

Helping Others

 In this life, we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. Mother Teresa I used to think in absolutes. Go big or go home! Do it perfectly, or not at all! Staying home and doing nothing is no longer an option. I feel a deep contentment when I know I’ve lifted someone’s spirits or have done something as simple as look them in the eye and smile. I still deal with my selfishness and self-centeredness, but I’m learning to recognize that ugliness when it shows up. Did I just snarl at that driver? Did I just mouth those words? Did that make me feel better somehow? Compare those moments to when I make no assumptions about someone’s parentage, and allow for another human to be having a bad day without taking it personally. There are no shortages of lessons! One of the best things about our program, a by-product of simply seeking sobriety, is the fact of the necessity to help others. It all starts with willingness. If I can be a helper in life, if I can do many “s...

I Ask God to Decide

 If I’m not open to solutions, I’ll do the same old things. I’ll react mindlessly, repeating old patterns which never worked, but were all I knew. If I’m unwilling to have my Higher Power remove my ‘defects of character’, I won’t develop as a person, and I’ll have a higher  probability of drinking again. How’d that work for me in the past? We all know. Do I have my list ready to present to my Creator, and have expectations of how they’ll be removed? Or is it more likely that as I ask, I will be given situations which allow me to see how I’ve responded in the past, and now have the awareness to choose differently?  I fall into what I see as a trap of magical thinking. “And God said ‘Poof’, and all was changed”. I want instant gratification, that sudden knowing, the moments of insight which all arrive at once. Maybe that’s how it works for some people - I don’t know. My growth, my changes in how I respond, have been gradual. Those changes have been in direct proportion to h...

“The Good and the Bad”

 The Seventh Step Prayer says that “I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad”. There’s no wearing of all white, no purity test, no references needed. I come to my Creator as I am, in this moment, warts and all. My shortcomings, those “defects of character”, are just impediments to my usefulness to others as well as to the joy in my life. If I allow resentments to fester, am I not hurting only myself? I’ve effectively cut myself off from the Sunlight of the Spirit, choosing to live in dark despair. Is that something I would purposely choose for someone I love? Certainly not! Am I not expected to love and respect myself? Absolutely yes!  And so. My responsibility to myself, to my growth as a human, and to my usefulness to those around me, is to become aware of those impediments and ask my Creator to release me from their bur-like grip. To release me from the false comfort which allows me to hide. To lend me the strength I need to continue to learn and grow. ...

A Priceless Gift

 I used to live in my depression - now I only visit from time to time. My mental Zoom meeting has all kinds of voices telling me to just stay there, there is nothing for me “out there”, go back where I belong, I fail at everything, so why try - blah, blah, blah. That screen from which they beckon is 2-Dimensional. I live in a 3-D reality, and I get to choose to turn it off, tune it out, and behave as if not one word of it is true. Sometimes, the sound gets turned up by my own misperceptions. When that happens, I suffer. My antidote for that suffering used to be to try to drown it, literally. I now know that that was no solution - the voices of self-derision just waited me out. They weren’t challenged; I believed them. I know better now. I’ve felt the release from the prison of falseness. I’ve seen myself in a New Light. I’ve experienced that priceless gift of inner peace, and I choose to return often until I find myself living there all the time.  I am so very grateful for the...

Grateful for What I Have

 Write your sad times in sand, write your good times in stone. George Bernard Shaw Come, tide, and wash away all those things I’ve written in sand. They were just temporary, and not worthy of taking up memory space. Each sad time has presented me with a lesson, and each lesson ends with “forgive yourself and move on”. Gratitude keeps me afloat when that tide comes in to remove that which no longer serves - if it ever did. Bobbing in the Sea of Gratitude calms my soul and gently rocks me as it returns me to the shore of living this life.  This is how I see my Higher Power - that which is constant, powerful, beautiful. Working with the tide allows me to ride the waves rather than being tossed and turned by them. When the Sea is calm, it gently carries me as I float with the ‘flow’. It doesn’t control my decision to enter the water or to answer the question of it’s degree of wetness - it simply IS, gently calling to my innermost self to trust it. Humility is my flotation device, ...

Surrender and Self-Examination

 I understand the concept of expectations leading to resentments. Broadly speaking, I try to remember that when dealing with myself and others. Expectations, though, can often be very subtle, hiding very well under my desire to be rid of them. I have enough trouble with the obvious ones! I expect certain things of people in leadership roles, in the government, of friends and family, of myself. When I am able to see the big ones, I can adjust my thinking, or set the intention to do so. What about those hidden ones, though? How do I respond when someone cuts me off in traffic? My unexpressed expectation is that drivers won’t do that, but when they do, I resent them. My hidden expectation is that my food order will be just what my taste buds want, or that I won’t stub that same little toe on the same piece of furniture, or when I lay down at night, I’ll go to sleep quickly, or any number of things.  Expectations keep me from being in the flow of life. They’re the distractions fro...

“A Measure of Humility”

 Bill wrote about pain being the cost of admission into a new life - in every case. But the surprise gift was the “measure of humility” which allows healing to take place (12x12, pg. 75). How true! Without that humility I felt when admitting powerlessness over alcohol, the stage would not have been set for healing to occur.  Just a small measure of humility can crack open the door of awareness, allowing the refreshing breeze of healing to blow in and wash over me. It’s then my job to make sure the door doesn’t slam shut and engage the lock. It can be tempting to let that happen, especially when the breeze threatens to expose me. I spent years carefully crafting my image; humility is the balm that soothes the exposed self. Humility invites me to give up the need to feel special by being separate from, and allows me to see the specialness of each person, no matter where they are on their journey. The measure of humility that I experience is in direct proportion to the peace I se...

Pride

 We’re given lots of different messages in society - he who dies with the most toys wins, look out for number one, be happy, have more, acquire acquire acquire, don’t cry, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, stay young! When “life happens”, or, when circumstances beyond our control are not what we would desire, we’re conditioned to see ourselves as failures. The truth is, we are shaped by those moments of challenge.  Pride leads us to think “I’m better than whats-his-name”, but is that true? Is what’s-his-name not subject to the same laws of nature and the Universe? Is anyone irredeemable? Who am I to judge?  I am learning - over and over again - to look at my own behavior and reactions. I find myself sitting in judgement of those who seem to have lost their connection to Universal Love. How can I know? I can’t. It is simply pride which is whispering “you’re smarter/more clever/more enlightened/better than”.  Pride eclipses true growth and accomplishment. I can take...

Humility is a Gift

 I can’t manufacture humility. At the first sign of ‘success’, I’m congratulating myself. Ba-duh-dum. Humility springs from “… a genuine reliance upon a Higher Power… a desire to seek and do God’s will…”12 x12, pg. 72). How often do I bypass fear to truly, honestly, genuinely seek God’s will? What if I feel called to do something uncomfortable? What if I have to give more than I feel able to give? What if I’m not happy ? Does my happiness and comfort come first in my life? Where does empathy enter the picture? Is it always up to me to fix every little thing? Hardly! Calm down - do the work, feel and express gratitude, be available, strive to be of service, and take care of myself.  Life is a gift. It is temporary. I’m not one who will be remembered by history. I have value, just as all do. I can recognize my strengths and use them to be of service, or I can sit back and watch the parade of others doing what they can. Humility says that I am invited to listen, then to act accor...

Giving Up Center Stage

 But I’m the star of my own show! Center stage is where the action is! I’m the Producer, the Director, the Playwright, the STAR!  The reviews are in - the show was a flop. I was just playing a role, and not very well. I wanted all eyes on me, even as I forgot my lines and messed up my blocking. I skipped rehearsals, I neglected to study my character - I would simply wing it and survive because of my raw talent. There was no room for humility as I sashayed myself into my own version of stardom. There was the inevitable crash and burn - my ‘bottom’. I had to start at the beginning, admitting that I couldn’t ad lib my way through life. There were principles to learn, my proper place in the production of life. I needed to spend time in the wings, supporting, doing the work involved in seeing to the success of the overall output. Center stage was to be shared among the performers, while my role was to see to their success. Being a ‘worker among workers’ a stagehand in the theater o...

A Turning Point

 Seeking for humility, says Bill W., as something desired, can be our turning point. I wasn’t quite a black hole, with such a strong gravitational pull that I sucked the light out of everyone I met, but I was pretty needy. I’m not a shining star, but I am now in a better space to offer warmth and light. There was a turning point where I learned to be much more ‘give’ than ‘take’. The development of humility is freeing. It is finding that I don’t have to wear the masks of whatever I’d like to project, whatever I want others to think of me. It’s the discovery that the real person who has been hiding behind the bottle is worthy as herself. I have been given the gift of seeing myself more honestly, good traits and those which are not-so-good. I am encouraged to build on my strengths by seeing them without the lens of ego. Likewise, I’m not crushed by the reality of those shortcomings I previously worked so hard to deny. I humiliated myself often, and was many times humiliated by others...

I am an Instrument

 I used to confuse the concept of humility with that of false modesty. The former is a fruit of clear-thinking, and the latter is pride behind a mask. False modesty tells the world, “Oh, I’m not really very good at anything” while waiting for someone to tell us where we excel. It can’t accept compliments, even while hiding a fear of being found lacking. Sometimes it hides a true belief in being ‘better than’, while not wanting to appear so. Humility recognizes both strengths and weaknesses, and allows for personal growth. It enjoys a kinship with That Which Is. Seeing and naming a character defect opens me up to asking for it’s removal, for seeing it when it shows up, for understanding how it impacts others in a negative way. Humility is also a tool for the identification and acknowledgement of my strengths. Weaknesses aren’t proof of my personal lack or worth, any more than seeing that my strengths don’t make me superior to anyone. When I approach my Creator with the honest apprai...

An Ever-Growing Freedom

 Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings When I came into the rooms, I was more of an absolutist than I am now. All or nothing. Do it right or be a failure. The ‘either/or’s of duality were my base of understanding. Shades of gray were for equivocators. I would do it ‘right’ or not at all. Working the steps was going to be a linear process - get it done, check it off. Surprise! The working of the steps has been more like a game of “Chutes and Ladders” - up one or two rungs, then slide back down. This is far from failure; this is reality, at least for me. As I’ve worked myself up the steps, I’ve found it necessary to revisit the prior ones. This has proven to be oh, so true with step 7. As I am made aware of the shortcomings I was previously blind to, I can see where those character defects have had a negative impact on not only myself, but with those I love as well as total strangers. I also find myself with a new awareness of the shortcomings I knew about, but thought ...

… And Letting Go of It

 We all know a hoarder or have seen one on TV. I have my own much smaller battles with keeping all my stuff, while wanting more - one in every color! Bigger! Better! More more more! The people with the serious problems can’t even bear to part with their trash. I might need this some day! That is a valuable item! I can fix it! That’s just the stuff around us. What about all the things we hope for? My wants, my needs, my security, my things? Or the intangibles - my relationships, my well-being, my expectations, my future? My peace of mind is greatly influenced by the degree of gratitude I express for what I have, now, in this moment. All could be taken from me, and all I would have is my attitude. May that always be more influenced by thanks for having enough of what I think I need, rather than the constant fear of missing out on some ethereal something.  I’m learning to look at my fears squarely, looking at all the “what ifs” and “not enoughs”, and following them to their concl...

Identifying Fear …

 I am in the process of looking deeply at my shortcomings to find the fear which manifests as resentment, envy, judgement, and all the rest. Will fear show up in every instance? I don’t know yet, but it seems likely. I’m thinking that in the process, I’ll find that some fears can be healthy - for example, I fear mismanaging my funds and getting myself into a financial mess. I’ve done it in the past, and the results are unhappy. Is that a justifiable fear? It seems so. When I acknowledge my part in creating hardship, I have to then accept responsibility for ensuring, to the best of my ability, that I don’t repeat those errors. In our 12x12, Bill writes that “The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear”  (italics are mine). When I am controlling, what do I fear happening? If someone does a task which I would do differently, what of it? Why am I invested in my way only? What if they have a better way - can my delicate ego handle someone else’s success? Do I the...

A New Direction

 Sometimes, my will-power just isn’t enough. I thought it had worked in the past: I successfully quit smoking, after I softened my “cold-turkey is the only way” approach. I wasn’t absolute about it,  though. When I’d get together with a friend who smoked long-skinny cigarettes, I’d accept her offer to join her. When I realized that just thinking about meeting with her triggered the addiction to tobacco, I realized that I’d have to reject each offer. I had to recommit my will power to saying no. I tried the same method with alcohol. On my own, I could maintain drinking a limited amount for a day or two, followed by the devil-may-care attitude of false mastery. I had ‘proved’ to myself that I had control then, and could have control again - some time in the future. This was a special occasion! Or, my team scored! Or, it’s just for today, or any number of lame excuses. My physical craving had merged with the mental obsession, and my ‘superior’ will power was woefully insufficient...

A Natural Faith

 I can’t prove that love exists, but I’ve felt it. I can’t prove a Higher Power, but if it’s true that ‘God is Love’, and I’ve felt love, then doesn’t it follow that I’ve felt the presence of God?  As children, we learn by both experience (that’s HOT! that’s HARD!) and by what our parents, friends, and teachers tell us. So many of us were taught of an external God, someone who was ‘up there’ somewhere, who could hear our thoughts and watch our every move. No wonder so many children are afraid of monsters under the bed! In the maturation process of admitting powerlessness over a substance or process, we are shown examples of faith in a ‘power greater than ourselves’. We’re given the opportunity to find that Power in our own lives. We have permission to exercise the willing suspension of disbelief in the learned concept of a God Up There, in order to find the Spirit of All within ourselves and others. It’s the Power which enables change. It’s the Love which encourages forgivenes...

Experience: The Best Teacher

 If you’ve ever done any mountain driving, you will have experienced the slow, gradual ascent and descent by going to the right, then to the left, zig-zagging your way up or down. If you tried to go straight up or straight down, you’d find it to be impossibly dangerous. So it is, to me, with finding and maintaining a “conscious contact with God”. Suddenly, we’re made aware that the box we’re in with seemingly no way out is just a canyon. There was a way in, and there is a way out - it’s just going to take time and perseverance.  We become aware of that Higher Power by talking - and listening - to the ‘still, small voice’ within. In those moments of intuition, we slowly learn when we’re truly hearing the wisdom intended for us, as opposed to the wishful thinking we've given so much attention to in the past. From my experience, and from the shared wisdom of others, I’m learning to hear what my Creator, the Spirit of Life, suggests for me. In practicing doing ‘the next right thin...

The Heart of True Sobriety

 I love the spirituality of our program. I love that the God of our understanding takes precedence over the boxed version of the Big Bearded Angry Guy.  Bill concludes the Big Book by saying that “…no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.”. We in the program like to ‘keep things simple’. Someone along the way took the concept Bill spoke about, and turned it into the acronym HOW - Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness. This is how we awaken to our spiritual nature. This is how we face our own demons, our shortcomings, our perceived need for something to fill the hole within our souls.  People rebel against the idea of spirituality, but to them I would point out what we all experience as we become honest, open-minded, and willing: there is a spirit of love and acceptance. There is an aura of hope and inclusion. One can feel and hear the God-cons...

The Best for Today

 If it’s true that history repeats itself, and if it is also true that “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it” (attributed to George Santayana), then it seems logical to see the lessons come around again and again. How I handled the bumps in the road, the pitfalls, and the occasional quicksand is going to determine how I approach these things when they reemerge. When I start beating myself up for something unchangeable (in the past), I am learning to ask myself what the lesson was. How will I handle this when it shows up again? What did I learn? How can I use that knowledge to help myself and others? The principles of the program are perfectly suited for the classroom of life. The pop quizzes get a little easier, and I’ve actually felt like the eager student who, having learned the lesson, throws her hand in the air shouting “I know! I know!”. Sometimes.  All I can expect of myself is to do the best I can today. When my goals exceed my energy or ability, ...