Reflections from Reflections

 I get it: our survival depends upon having unity, and our unity cannot be achieved without personal sacrifice. ‘Sacrifice’ is, for me, a loaded word. My ego tells me that I’ve sacrificed enough for one lifetime, and now is my time to speak up and do things my way. Humility opens the door of honesty, which shows me that all those sacrifices were simply times when I didn’t get my own way. In fact, if I had made meaningful sacrifices, my life and those I’ve influenced would be quite different, and probably much better.  I can’t indulge in ‘woulda, coulda, shoulda’, though. I can learn from past selfishness - which I interpreted as sacrifice - to understand how it lead to anything but unity. I can apply what I’ve learned in the rooms to ensure that the rooms continue to be available to all who walk through the door. Likewise, I can apply what I’m learning to my life outside of the rooms. If I want relationships with others to survive, we must have unity in our shared purpose and ...

 Determination is nothing without appropriate action. I can be as determined as possible to provide my children with all they need to progress in their lives: a car? Here you are; a home of your own? Here’s the down payment. These things require the means with which to accomplish them, which I don’t have. I can  provide them with encouragement to reach their goals and congratulations for their victories, large or small. I can be their loudest cheerleader, their biggest fan. My determination is for their happiness, and my action is to always offer support, guidance when asked, and unconditional love, always. When I look at my own sobriety, I am deeply grateful for the support and encouragement of the millions who have achieved their own, and have had the grace and fortitude to stick around and help others. It all began with the drive, determination, and devotion of our founders to share freely how they had finally found deliverance from their “seemingly hopeless state of mind a...

 The idea of conforming rubs up against my ego and says “You’re not unique”. Ego is loud, proud, and oblivious to the needs and wants of others. Humility says “make room for them - each has value”. Humility and Ego do a strange dance; Ego wants the spectators of the cleared dance floor to oohh and aahh and be amazed, while Humility whispers “come close, slow down, and follow gently”. Ego looks for fuel to burn, while humility enjoys the serenity of the moment, needing nothing more than what is.  When my battered and bruised ego said “I can’t do this on my own”, humility was there to assure me that I wasn’t alone, there was help available to me, and that holding onto that realization was key to recovery. So many others who had personal knowledge and experience were there to encourage me and show me what life had been like for them, what they did about it, and how that change in attitudes and actions had manifested to create a peace within.  Peace within! Wasn’t that what I...

 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.   1 Corinthians 13:11 (New Living Translation) When I was a child, I conflated God with Fairy Godmother, the Great Wish-Granter. The problem was, I was never good enough to get my wishes. It was all my fault - I was somehow broken, or my wishes would have come true. As I grew up physically, my emotional and spiritual maturity lagged, clinging desperately to those childish notions. My cultural conditioning reinforced a willing helplessness. It was easy, then, for me to substitute spirits for Spirit, and to place personal responsibility in the hands of others. When I entered the rooms of A.A., I was more than a little confused about the attention given to finding a Higher Power. What did that have to do with finding a way to quit drinking and stay quit? I saw it as a kind of nice bonus - Stop drinking and find God! It’s a two-fer! I didn’t realize then that finding, ...

 Have you ever been micro-managed by someone (other than your mother!)? It’s a frustrating feeling when you know that ultimately, the one doing it to you has no trust in your ability to see a task through or to do what you said you’d do. Has that distrust been earned?  Just as I must be “impeccable in my word”, I owe it to those with whom I interact to trust them to do the same. I’m not talking about those cases where distrust is absolutely necessary, like the unstable former lover who insists he’s changed, or the person who consistently lacks follow-through, leaving others holding the bag. Bill speaks of the “private inventory” which enables us to see clearly, rather than through the fog of wishful thinking and blind optimism. Being realistic is what we’re learning to do with our own motivations and actions, and it carries over to others.  As I learn to recognize my own defects of character, I remember that it has taken time for me to be able to see them more clearly. Su...

 I am not God’s mouthpiece.  I used to believe I was. A friend is having problems with her (fill in the blank)? I must solve it! A friend of a friend has medical issues? I have a book somewhere with just the right answers! One of my children has an issue with a sibling? I’ll fix it! I thought I was THE emissary of the Divine, although I certainly wouldn’t have put it that way. I felt the burden of finding solutions to those things which I had no control over. How’d that work out, you ask? Abysmally. I was blind to the quicksand I was sinking in, while trying to control the world around me. Admitting a lack of control over my drinking taught me that that was just one example of not having the power to make all things happen. There are some things that are - gasp! - none of my business. There are huge issues in the world which are simply out of my hands. I have the power and responsibility to do what I can: I vote, I volunteer with causes that touch my heart, I try to lift the s...

 Fear can be an agent of my Higher Wisdom. It alerts me when I’m approaching a dangerous situation or person. It becomes a valuable tool in those times. Most often though, it’s an illusion, a shadow made many times larger than it actually is. It’s a little, stomping, snarling annoyance with a megaphone. When I look at it, rather than it’s reflected shadow, I can see how pitiful and small it really is. How often do I remember to look? How much courage does it really take to stare it down and silence it’s screeches? I still get taken in by the illusion of the size and importance of those nasty little intrusions. By utilizing some of the seemingly trite little phrases - How important is it? Just for today, One day at a time, Easy does it, and remembering the words of the Serenity Prayer - I have the mantras I need to see my way through fears. I also have my sponsor and my tribe, my family and friends, to help me with perspective. Today marks my 70th birthday. I have deep gratitude for...

 Regeneration of any kind is represented in the story of the Phoenix rising from the ashes: the old must be obliterated in order for the new to be able to grow and flourish. That’s what I find in the cessation of my old coping mechanisms, first and foremost drinking to remember, drinking to forget, drinking just to drink, and all the justifications my mind used to continue that and other old habits, wrapped in pretty, new paper. The words must be accompanied by action. Old habits can grow like uncontained bamboo or mint. The roots run deep and wide, and no matter how often they are cut back, they send new shoots. Those are the ‘default settings” I mentioned yesterday. I’m learning to recognize those shoots sooner and sooner, giving me the opportunity to blast them before they grow too hard to pull, or to passively watch them overtake my garden. I have the choice to give in to the wild growth, or to be diligent about removal, allowing tender new growth to take place. The working of ...

 In “As Bill Sees It”, Bill W. posits that people, given “absolute liberty”, being “compelled to obey no one … would then voluntarily associate themselves in the common interest”. My first thought came from my default position of cynicism. I don’t seem to automatically see the good in people, even though that’s the person I want to be. My thought was that people, being scared and fearful, would erect fences to protect what’s theirs. Voluntarily associate themselves in the common interest? That’s hard to imagine..  Then I recalled a short passage I read in a book written  by a woman who has spent her life working to end hunger in the world. She was excited about meeting Mother Teresa, but their one-on-one was rudely interrupted by a couple of obvious wealth. They had donated a lot of money to the mission, and demanded an audience at that moment. Mother Teresa was a slight, stooped woman; the rich lady, dripping in gold and jewels, wanted to see her face, so she physically ...

 Today’s reading starts with a beautiful quote from page 55 of the Big Book: We found the Great Reality   deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found … search diligently within yourself… With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you. The surface of my consciousness is littered with the phrases of disempowerment: you’re a piece of sh*t, you’ll never amount to anything, you’re a failure, why did you …? why didn’t you …?  I believe that the basis of Consciousness, of God, is love. All-encompassing Love. It is the basket of Truth, the arms of Acceptance, the truth of Forgiveness, and it is within each of us. Each of us. It takes courage and diligence to face the surface distractions, one-by-one, to recognize each one as false. As each negative narrative emerges, it is on me to look at it, challenge it’s veracity, and conquer the little lying b*st*rd. These mere distractions which I came to ...

 To paraphrase a book title from a few decades ago, “Don’t sweat the God stuff … and it’s ALL God stuff”. In “As Bill Sees It”, Bill W. writes that “… the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding …”. What a refreshing point of view! I was raised in a place of spiritual confusion and exclusion. I could never be ‘good enough’ to know God - and this was the ‘god’ who would deny, destroy, and favor the few. The job of religions was to define what the rules would be, then to demand adherence or be damned.  My higher power was, in actuality, alcohol. It took precedence over all other pursuits. I worshipped at its altar, and made it the one whose demands I followed, to the near exclusion of my responsibilities. Carl Jung famously wrote in a letter to Bill about the need for “a spiritual experience to counter addiction to the spirits (alcoholism)”.  My relationship with a Power greater than myself is freeing. I am part of The Whole, and I belo...

 When I heard the term “higher power”, I equated it with “God”. I still call it that sometimes just for the ease of the word. Time and reflection have given me a different understanding - one that is far bigger and more ethereal yet real to me than my previous limited concept. A lot of people come into the rooms (or are scared to enter at all) with the anthropomorphic image of an angry, bearded old dude who insists on being loved, even while being completely unlovable. Uh, no thanks. Why would I want to put my trust in something so unapproachable? “Power” is a concept, an idea. The love and acceptance one feels in the rooms is a power. The combined belief in each other is a power. This power is greater than any strength of will I can drum up on my own. Doesn’t it then follow that one can call this phenomenon a “power greater than myself”? I can hitch my metaphorical wagon to this combined strength. I can be lifted by the many who have found relief. I can be a part of that strength ...

 I wanted to skip this exercise today. I’m typing through “why me” tears, even while I know that the answer is “why not  me”.  Part of this human experience is to feel the illusion of separation from our Creator, from our Base of Operations. I find it a welcome reminder, when the going gets rough, to call this truth to mind. Loss happens. Bad things happen to good people. There are bumps in the road which seem impassable. There is  always another side, another way, another day, as long as I draw breath.  What gets any of us through difficult times? For me, the principles of our program shine a light on an otherwise dark path. Am I being honest and open with myself and others? What gives me hope? Where do I find my joy? Am I living with gratitude far all the good in my life? Do I reach out to help someone else in their time of need? Is there some unfinished business I need to clean up? Bill W. called this a “design for living”. The working of the 12 Steps invites...

 There exist so many ideas on how to live a good and worthy life: the 12 Steps, the Golden Rule (pick a form), the Four Agreements, and so on. If I were able to follow any of them thoroughly, the concept of “living amends” would be moot. I remain, however, a human with all the bugs in the system that show up in all of us.  I think that awareness is key. My most crass mistakes were made when I exercised no empathy for others, because I was too wrapped up in myself to notice them or to care. I still need to focus on myself, on what I say and do and how I can be a more decent person, but not at the expense of other people. I can be true to my needs and values, and still recognize that my actions or inactions have consequences. I can try mightily to live according to what I feel is right for myself, and still mess up and miss the mark.  When that happens, I want to clean up that hurt as quickly as possible. It’s like cleansing a wound right away and applying a bandage if need...

 I can’t be all things to all people, but I must be all of myself for me. The way I get to know who I am is by a rigorous self-examination: does my reality align with my self-image? Where am I out of whack? What changes do I have to make? What changes do I want to make? Which am I willing to make? The answers lie in asking myself whether or not I am in alignment with who I came here to be. Without having the wherewithal to look at myself with open eyes and open heart, nothing will change. I will continue to only offer pieces of myself to any relationship, hiding what I don’t accept or that which remains secret.  I am in a partnership with my Creator, the Spirit of the Universe, Big Love. That Love knows who I am and all the fears and misguided beliefs which keep me small. That Love is always available to remind me that I am loved and cherished, lovable and capable. Now that my mind is no longer addled by alcohol, I am ready to accept responsibility for myself, and to find...

 I don’t stop being a parent just because my children are grown. I’m still a daughter, even though my parents died years ago. I’m a sister, an auntie, and a Nana to people who are alive and well. I am as involved in their lives as they allow. How do I determine what my family obligations are when all live far from me? How can I maintain a spiritual connection with my Creator which excludes those I love? I don’t believe I can - nor do I want to.  I spent my drinking years blind to the needs of my family. It is the greatest regret of my life. My sobriety is my gift to myself and them, but how does it manifest? How does it affect my spiritual connection? What amends have I made, and how can I offer living amends in a real way?  I must maintain balance in my personal as well as my spiritual life. I am taught to look deeply at harms I have done, whether purposefully or by neglect, and to make whatever amends I can. In the case of my parents, I make ‘living amends’ to others. W...

 In “As Bill Sees It”, Bill wrote that “We reacted more strongly to frustrations than normal people”. I though it was just me. I didn’t understand why I seemed so volatile, so often. The least little thing could set me off, no matter how hard I tried to pretend my niceness.  I had to develop some pretty anti-social coping mechanisms in order to continue drinking the way I wanted to drink. I couldn’t see what I didn’t want to see - my blinders were self-administered. In working the steps, I’m invited to see myself from a higher perspective, to witness my actions from the point of view of the Divine. No justification or self-serving excuses exist in that context - there is only the Love which allows honesty and the potential for personal growth. Levitating - rising above. Yes, please!

 Be here now.   Baba Ram Dass Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why we call it “the present”.  Eleanor Roosevelt To me, “living in the now”means relaxing into the serenity of this moment. It means that there is nothing too difficult to face today. Tomorrow’s joys and troubles will present themselves as they do, but all I have to do is be where I am, right now, in body and spirit. Yesterday’s mistakes and missteps have already informed my today. They are the collected wisdom of experience which I get to either learn from or repeat. Likewise, I have a responsibility to myself and those who will come tomorrow to only take what is mine for today. I won’t rob myself of this moment by wondering or worrying about what tomorrow may bring.  I am free in this day to have hopes and dreams, indeed to make plans for my tomorrows, knowing that my attention and focus is on what I do today to move closer to them. I don’t erase my past or future by ...

 I used to engage in self-seeking. From what I gather, that is simply a form of finding justification for my actions. There can be no change if all I do is find reasons and excuses for continuing to be selfish and self-centered. At least, that’s my experience. Bill W. wrote that “self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures” (As Bill Sees It). I appreciate that difference - I used to conflate the terms, and wondered how on earth one was supposed to change without looking within. Now I get the difference: humility. Humility allows me to see myself more honestly. It teaches me to see more clearly, and to take action to effect change.  I don’t just change with a magic “poof”. A new me doesn’t emerge simply because I have a new awareness of my shortcomings. I ask my Creator to show me where I need to act and react in a more positive way, where I can be of service rather than be served. That inwar...

The purposeful exposing of my defects of character plus the honest willingness to have God remove them gives me long-term hope.  I have a history of taking more than my share - spirits, wine, espresso, potato chips, chocolate, attention, etcetera. Where does the concept of ‘enough’ end and ‘too much’ begin? This, said in different words, is what Bill called “ the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection God wishes for us…That is the measure or our character defects…”. With alcohol, I indulged to the point where we alcoholics find ourselves - I’ve moved well past whatever may have been ‘enough’, straight to having zero control. Abstinence has become my only viable option. With all the other ways in which I overdo, I can take lessons from alcohol: when I start to think that a larger portion is what I need or deserve, and when that thought won’t go away, I’ve entered the danger zone. Time to take a good, hard look at my thoughts and actions, and have a serious Come-to-Je...

I have to be willing to let go of the shortcomings I’ve come to let live in my mind and habits. I have to be able to name them, to recognize them when they show up, and then to trust that my Higher Power has my permission to take them from me. This is, to me, a perfect use of “fake it till you make it”. How do I know that a character defect has been removed if I allow myself to fall back into my default settings? I must act ‘as if” - as if I believe I no longer need this particular crutch or that same old reaction when confronted with life’s challenges. I step out in trust that, having identified those defects, and having asked that they be removed, a new way of dealing with the situations which used to set me off will now reveal itself.  I have the opportunities to practice every day. May the Power of Love fill my tank with compassion for others as well as myself.  All I can do, on a daily basis, is to maintain connection with my Creator, and to honestly try.

“Thy will, not mine, be done”.  How the heck do I tell which is which? In becoming willing to ask my Higher Power to take my defects of character away, I find I’ve been very adept at twisting that phrase around to ‘not thy will, but mine be done’. If I am, as I believe, a child of God, then shouldn’t my way automatically be aligned with the “thy way”? From personal experience, I can answer that ridiculous question with a hearty NO! I am guilty of loving my defects too much. I’ve found in them the comfort of familiarity, if not peace. There is a laziness (a character defect!) in maintaining my inner status quo. That inner craving for my will to be done has robbed me of serenity in the past - why on earth would I choose to stay there? I don’t. My choice is to be willing to be entirely ready to have the Power greater than myself remove the defects of character which have always been like my shoes of cement. I choose to soar! Those shortcomings have made it hard to live with myself - I...

Apparently, I like to play tug-of-war with God.  The Spirit of All Possibility asks me if I want to be in alignment with my highest good, or if I’d like to continue to learn from my mistakes. I say I want the former, but what are my actions? Recognize, ask for release, then take them back because my shortcomings are familiar. They may not work well, but they’re mine, and I know them. How then do I ask my Creator to take them from me? How do I become willing? Step 6 asks me to “be ready to have God remove all these defects of character”. Why do I keep pulling them back, having once done Step 7, humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings? I’m finding the truth that the thorough working of prior steps is the preparation for both becoming willing, then asking for their removal. The recognition of my character defects is an on-going process. I discover many when I look at my motivations in Step 4. I hear them when I admit my part to another in Step 5. I find the names for them with sel...

 Sometime the downward path gently rolls onto a plateau, where everything seems fine. Other times, it is - or becomes - so steep, it may as well be a slide. My “bottom” left me in a field of what I thought was wildflowers, but which turned out to be thorny weeds and burs, tearing into me by degrees. My scratches became harder and harder to ignore or explain away as ‘nothing’. I’ve listened to others share what their turning points were, and I can safely say that I could easily have kept falling into a deeper pit. I’m grateful for not experiencing some of the same difficulties; my own were enough for me to seek the upward path. It’s helpful to remember where I’ve been, and where I am now. It’s imperative to look at the ways I looked at life and difficulties, in order to see the patterns which want to reemerge. And most important for me, I actively choose, every day, to stay on my current path - the one which moves upward.

 I used to whine with my wine, complain with my cocktail, kvetch with my kvodka (heh), but my life is different now - thank Goodness! A change of outlook is one of the promises of Step 9, “if we are painstaking about this phase of our development”. If I do the work, I’ll see the changes. Awesome! More than simply finding freedom from the unmanageability of drinking, I find a new way of living, a new way of thinking. I am no longer the victim I always felt like - I have rejoined the human race as an adult, taking responsibility for my words and actions. I have rediscovered the link with my Creator, and can see my part in the problems I created.  From this changed outlook, I more clearly see my own responsibility for where I’ve been, what I’ve experienced, and where I want to be. I have been empowered by this knowledge, whereas in my before times, I felt utterly disempowered.  I sometimes find myself in my old thinking, but I don’t stay there. I’m learning to walk down a di...