Reflections from Reflections

 I have access to WebMD, but I don’t practice medicine. I can play a siren sound, but I can’t ticket a speeding driver. I can spell ‘engineer’, but I can’t build a bridge. These people are professionals. They know what they’re doing, and they’re paid to do it. We in A.A. aren’t, at least in the settings of our rooms, professional therapists or rehab specialists. If I talk to an active alcoholic, I bring my personal experience only. There is no remuneration. This has immense worth; there is no ‘angle’ to sharing what’s worked for me. I receive no monetary payment. This is so important to the one-on-one encounter. The value is in the sharing itself, not what I may get from it.  The whole purpose is in sharing what it was like for me, and what my turning point was. Personal. I get to show a person who is still picking up that first drink, even though they’ve promised themselves over and over not to, that it is in fact possible for them as well. I have the opportunity to hold a la...

 I’m the type of person who likes rules and regulations. I admit it. Everything is neat and orderly. Cars pass on the left. No surprises. No exceptions. I don’t live like that, though, thank goodness! Life is full of surprises and fun and spontaneity, none of which can be contained into a tidy Stepford world. I just wish everyone did things MY way. Who hasn’t been part of a planning committee? Remember how everyone (except the quiet eye-rollers) had an opinion about Every. Little. Thing? Resentments abounded. Anger and voices were raised. Almost every participant had the True Vision, and tried to bend the others’ views to match. Ugh. It couldn’t have been much different for the founding members when trying to organize this new, radical yet simple formula for sharing true, lasting sobriety. In the end, it all boiled down to the Third Tradition: The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking. The only  requirement. Seems too simple to work, but over eight ...

 I can be a real braggart. I suspect this is tied to low-self-esteem issues, and is the egos’s way of asserting itself. I must have recognized this at some point in my journey, because, written on the bottom of the page of this Daily Reflection is “STFU, Sandy”.  Inner peace and ease of being is quiet. It invites, it has an allure; it, like the Dude in The Big Lebowski, abides.  Our eleventh tradition tells us that our public principle is “attraction rather than promotion”. For me, this applies to my own public life. When it’s appropriate, like when someone asks about myself or shares a personal concern which would best be addressed by a 12-step fellowship, I’m happy to share how my life has been and continues to be changed.  Newcomers to AA can be so overwhelmed by their new freedom, they loudly proclaim their sobriety. I know I did. Jaded friends and family, used to seeing broken promises and dreadful decisions, don’t hear the words; they’re waiting to see the “pro...

 Like millions of other people, I used to suffer from “terminal uniqueness”. It’s in remission today, but it reappears from time to time if I’m not careful. It shows up in the guise of “yeah, but”. The very thing that helped me see the truth is what I get to offer today - my unvarnished experiences, the strength I found in living in harmony with my spirituality, and the hope which that gives me. Sharing that with another alcoholic helps us both remember who we are, and that life needn’t be as heavy as it can sometimes feel. When I am able to share from my depths, I get to understand myself better. When the person with whom I’m sharing is able, bit-by-bit, to share their own weightiness, a Light shines on them, gradually lightening their load in degrees matching their openness. I am so very grateful for the loving, supportive people who have listened to me, made me ask questions of myself, and gently guided me by their personal examples. In that process, my burdens don’t seem so hea...

 The times when I’ve felt most joyfully at peace are when I’m being of service to others. Funny how that works! There’s no room in my rumination for self-anything when I’m thinking about someone else and their needs in a healthy way. I’ve experienced the unhealthy way of trying to help others, and it turns out to be when I’m still thinking of my own comfort first. If I can’t be happy or fulfilled unless you change something, I’m on the wrong track. When that’s the case, I’m either being manipulative or codependent, which is not a gift to either of us. I didn’t expect the profound shift in my spiritual connection when I came into the rooms of A.A. - like so many others, my only thought was that I needed help with my inability to stop at one drink. I became willing to stay stopped as my spiritual connection became more obvious to me. It’s an odd and wonderful thing to discover that the need to drink has become secondary to my desire to live my life as I feel directed by a Power great...

 This is the first time I have considered the concepts of ‘bondage’ vs. ‘bonding’. Off the bat, it strikes me as similar to learning the difference between ‘humiliation’ and ‘humility’.  Early on in my sobriety, I had the old belief that having humility was either false, or a precursor to being humiliated. Saints could maybe have had true humility, but I was no saint. Any humility I displayed was a false front, an assumed virtue. It was false: it was the mask that my ego wore to ward off humiliation. Being a front, it didn’t work, but I had nothing else to work with. So, in thinking about the concepts of ‘bonding’ and ‘bondage’, I see again the difference between something I want and something I shun. Certainly people in bondage can create a bonding with others in the same pickle jar. I like the bonding which encourages personal growth - that which I find in and out of the rooms of A.A. when I choose to associate with like-minded people. People who don’t view the personal grow...

 Willingness is a popular thread in all of the Steps. Willingness to awaken to the possibility of a spiritual experience paves the road and readies me to traverse that path. For some, it can be like Paul’s road-to-Damascus experience, happening suddenly, forcefully, leaving no doubts. For me, it was more gradual, hampered by my repetitive stopping to ask “but why?”.  False pride acts as blinders to the Truth. If I keep thinking that I am alone on my path through life, I will feel that loneliness. For me, the strength of the knowing that I am a spiritual being, connected to The Spirit of All, is both humbling and reassuring. I can ask for help, then set aside my fear or worry. I can ask for guidance, then listen as my intuition tunes in and assures me. I can ask for the words I need, and know that they will come.  I feel it. I know it. And I can forget it in a moment if I start indulging in anything that starts with “self” - self-pity, self-seeking, selfishness. When I for...

 Wherever You Go, There They Are     Annabelle Gurwich Our families, whether of origin or ones we’ve created, are, um, tricky, especially when we’re becoming a changed person. We can happily proclaim our new selves to them, only to be met with an arched eyebrow or a yawning “yeah, right”. Eye rolls abound, and smirking glances are exchanged. Do these things need to continue to be damaging to our psyches? Not if we continue to “practice these principles in all our affairs” - especially the principle of “attraction rather than promotion”. People change. I’ve made changes. So many people try to explore new ways of seeing life or being their true selves. Consider the family member who decides to be called by a different name, only to be met with  the stubbornness of “I’ve always thought of him/her/them as ‘_________’, and they’ll always be ‘________’ to me”. How often have I done that to someone else? If I want my changes to be recognized and acknowledged, it’s only righ...

 I recite my version of the Third Step Prayer each morning: Spirit of Life, I am yours. Build me and use me wherever I can be of service, and help me remember that in all things, all is well. I ask for your help in recognizing duality, and to always remember that we are all One. Let me be a Way-Shower, so that others may see and understand their own spiritual link, and may I always take the High Road, in what I say, what I think, and what I do. It was at the phrase I highlighted where I stopped and said an extra “thank you” this morning. I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster recently, writing these reflections to myself as I am reminded each day that I’m not in charge. I keep forgetting. What I think about instead is that my actions/inactions have had consequences. The past remains unchangeable, so why do I keep banging my head against it as if by doing so I can change my today? The Ninth Step PROMISES tell me that I “won’t regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it”. This,...

 It’s a sobering (literally!) thing to look back on my own behavior. I see how I developed coping mechanisms, and when they no longer worked (assuming they ever did), what methods I then tried. All, of course, were centered on ME - my wants, desires, needs, hopes. They still are, to be honest, but the focus has changed from All Me All the Time to Mostly Me, but You Too. I can still let my selfish self run the show, but now I see it. When that happens, I have a choice: serve myself or serve others. I’m no longer seeking a crown,  although I mock myself when I refer to my new chair as “my throne”. I get to be the Queen of my own life, but no one has to bow to me or serve my needs ahead of their own. It can be both enlightening and embarrassing to take a peek into my past, to see just how that selfishness manifested and affected others. Thank Goodness I don’t have to be stuck in that muck. I’ve found the freedom to be myself, unadorned by a tiara, willing to be of service where I...

 It’s time to pull up my ‘big girl panties’. After spending a lifetime of looking at others as the cause of my woes while conversely seeing still others as possible saviors, I’m learning to look at the common denominator: me. In both instances, I have passed my responsibility to anyone other than myself. How convenient! I didn’t have to own anything but self-pity.  As I look back at all the burned bridges and missed opportunities, I am learning to see where I could have managed differently, if I’d had a more realistic view of my part in my own life. Owning those things is a reversal of what I’ve known and how I’ve behaved. Emotional maturity has been in the sidelines, waiting for me to bring it to the central stage of my life. It doesn’t indulge in blame, it doesn’t pout: it is the amalgam of strength and courage mixed with clear sight and right action. By admitting that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable, the path to emotional freedom was ma...

 On page 67 of the Big Book, Bill W. asks us to set aside whatever wrongs we felt other had done to us, and to “resolutely look” at where  we had been “selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened”.  Having reached Step 8, it seems counterintuitive to have to go back to Step 4, but that is what’s called for to understand myself. Why did I react in that way? Why did I think what I thought of the other person’s motives? Could I have known their mind? Have I never done the same thing to them or another? I simply can’t know the experience and reasons why others behave as they do. What I can  do is to question myself, and hold myself accountable for my own thought processes and justifications leading to negative thoughts and actions. This I do by looking back, with honestly and compassion. When I had envy, did it not show me my own relationship with lack? When I resented the results of others’ hard work, was I not confronted with my own lack of preparation? When I felt...

 “To Thine Own Self be True”. These words are found on most of our celebratory chips. But how can I be true to myself if I haven’t examined and acknowledged those parts which I have added on to myself as coping mechanisms and excuses? Do I hide my true self behind people pleasing? What exactly are my core values? Would anyone know? Do I know? When I make my list of those I’ve harmed, I am given clues of who to name by my lists of resentments, fears, and moral shortcomings in Step 4. If I am to truly get well, am I willing to ‘go to any length’ to do the work necessary? I have to look beyond how I feel I was negatively impacted to see the reverse: how have I, through action or inaction, impacted others? Am I ready to take responsibility? Am I willing to look at the unvarnished truth of who I am, who I’ve been, and what I need to do to stand in the Sunlight of the Spirit? I am a loved Child of my Creator. If I want to be a worthy representative, and I think I do, the responsibility t...

 I think the title is misleading. How can a harm be “righted”? At best, it can only be acknowledged and and atoned for. The is no “undo” button on history. I can’t edit it or rewrite it to make myself into the heroine of my own story. No one can. What I can  do is to make myself aware of where I erred, and quit making the same mistakes. I can - and must - make amends wherever possible, and to accept and let go of what I can’t. Some people have cut themselves out of my life and won’t hear me. Some I have lost track of. Some have died. Those situations don’t have to stop me in my tracks - this is where I engage in ‘living amends’ by being as available as I am able to anyone who has been hurt in ways I recognize. I owe it to myself and to my recovery to, as Ram Dass said, “Love, serve, and remember God”.

 I always use the app Insight Timer to ring my meditations in and out, and each day, there is a new quote. Today’s, from Rumi, was apt for this morning’s reflection: “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself”. In looking at the harm I’ve done others, I must go beyond the idea of physical hurt to acknowledge the hard looks, the harsh words - or my silence when words would heal, and even, maybe especially, my thoughts. Where does action begin? In the mind. Sitting in quiet contemplation, I am more able to recall those moments where I wanted to change the world by changing others. In my mind, that began with blaming others, followed by asking why they couldn’t just see things the way I saw them - then every little thing would be alright. After way too much practice, I can confidently say that that doesn’t work! What I can  do is to look honestly at myself: my motives, my desires, and my actions. I don’t have control over an...

Not anyone?  Who among us can actually believe that in our active drinking, we hurt no one but ourselves?  That’s the same fallacious thinking that kept me drinking. It’s as true as a coal baron claiming that they alone built up their wealth, without considering the enormous cost to the miners who made it possible. I didn’t drink alone in a sealed-off chamber, affecting no one but myself. My bad moods rubbed off on others; my harsh words hurt people; my negligence had consequences. My need to have what I wanted trumped the needs of others. That is not the person I want to be. Drinking was a symptom, a side act becoming the Main Attraction.  Now that it has been consigned to the trash bin of ‘well, that didn’t work’, I have to continue to be willing to see what my blinders kept me from seeing, and acknowledge the harms caused by my obsession with alcohol. I have to be open to the unvarnished truth of having caused harm to others, including those I love most....

 I used to be so focused on how I had been mistreated, I was unable to recognize how anything I did could have harmed anyone else. I had the best intentions! The highest motivations! The whole victim mentality had me in a stranglehold of a dark fantasy world, where Truth was nowhere to be found. Imagine my surprise as the realization slowly dawned that I was just as liable, if not more so, for my own unhappiness than anyone I loved to blame. I had to look into that mirror of What Is and see myself as I was. I had to decide to make changes. I had to have the humility to finally face up to my role in causing unhappiness for others, and have the willingness to atone.  It was a paradigm shift. Awareness has responsibilities. If I am now able to see my part, to know how it feels to be on the receiving end of a negative word or action, then my only next move is to do all I can to make it right. I have to face my demons, then face those whom I have hurt, and acknowledge my part. I ha...

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day: begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.   Ralph Waldo Emerson  The desire to have a redo, the wish to go back and do it all again but do it better this time, has to be the ultimate form of self-punishment. I can no longer engage in that kind of fantasy postulating. What I have for sure is this moment, today. Since the past has happened and there’s no changing it, what I can  do is look at my actions honestly, and do my best to clean up the messes. I can see how my actions have possibly harmed others, and do whatever I can to stop behaving in such destructive ways. I can use my experiences and their aftermaths to teach myself to do better, to be a better person. I have accepted the challenge to be willing to make amends where possible. Then, as Emerso...

 A little voice inside my head said: “Don’t look back, you can never look back.”   Don Henley I have a strange mixture of fantasy and failure when I try to look back. Some things I can let go, while others hang around, looking for resolution. I don’t want to live in that mental space which demands constant replaying of events which cannot be changed. Step 8 is my opportunity to sit with it, contemplate my actions or inactions, and to finally take the action which disinvites the past from taking up permanent residence. Trying to live a life different from that which was lubricated with alcohol is a worthy challenge, one in which I’ve been given ample examples of ‘how-to’. Thank goodness it’s not DIY - I already tried that, and it didn’t work out very well.  I’m very grateful for those who have honed this step and have shown the way. First, look back. Look back with honesty at where I’ve been at fault, then - and this is key - “vigorously” (Bill W’s word) do whatever is nec...

 Eww - imagine the feeling of ground glass moving through your digestive system. In TV shows and movies, it’s a sure way to kill another. If that’s not the case in real life, I imagine that the soft tissues wouldn’t be much protection from it’s sharp edges, cutting all the way through until they’re eliminated. Ewww. Isn’t that an excellent metaphor for continuing to think harshly of ourselves and others? We fill ourselves with poisonous thoughts, then resent their presence and look to blame others for them. Maybe not you. Certainly me.  In the process of removing the “ground glass”, do I need to be open to feeling the pain until I’m empty of it? When I think poisonous thoughts, when I allow myself to wallow in the waters of resentments, I am, in effect, willingly taking poison. I am eating the glass which kills me from the inside. Can I face those resentments honestly? Can I see that I can be free simply by letting go of them? With the help of the Spirit of the Universe, am I ...

 As my understanding deepens, so does my awareness of harms I’ve committed. When I first came into the rooms, it was all about me. MY sobriety, My serenity, MY understanding, MY program, MY everything. Oh sure, the first step starts with “We”, but that didn’t mean anything at the time. The first hint where I realized that it wasn’t all about me was in working Step 4. That one was all about me in the sense that I needed to look at where I had faulty thinking and unrealistic expectations of others. Why was I hurt/angry/jealous/upset at each person or institution I resented? What was the common denominator? What could I learn about myself which would even the scales? In making a list of those whom I have harmed (Step 8), I am finally looking at the sh*tstorms I’ve caused, the ways in which my actions or inactions have hurt another. I recognized how it felt in Step 4 - now is the opportunity to turn that around and walk in another’s shoes. That’s all I have to do. Remember it, feel it,...

 If I want to know whom I’ve harmed and how, it’s good for me to think about how I feel I’ve been harmed in the past. What was done? What was said? How did I feel? Why? How easily do my feelings get hurt? Am I having a negative reaction because of my own unmet expectations? Do I show the kind of consideration I want to receive?  In order to grow as a human, I owe it to myself to ask the hard questions. Where have I had no thought as to the effects my actions - or inactions - on others? How often do I cut people off when they’re speaking? That’s one I seem to do a lot. Awareness cools my jets as often as I remember this. When have I been ugly in my words or deeds? To whom? I need to do a thorough self-examination of my past, both far and recent. I thought I’d committed no crimes, but what about when I changed price tags? My feeling justified didn’t make it a lesser crime. Stealing a roll of Lifesavers or that warm beer that time in High School. What else have I stolen? A strang...

 I find it notable that it’s not until we get to the eighth step that we start looking at ways in which we have caused harms to others. I needed to take a good, hard look at myself and all my justifications, reasons, and excuses for my poor behavior prior to my sobriety (okay - mostly  prior to), before I was even close to seeing how my actions negatively affected others. Once the practice of humility takes hold, it’s finally possible to understand how other people in my life may have been impacted by my words, actions, or inaction. That’s a hard pill to swallow after all those years of perceived victimhood. I have to now face up to those times in which I was the perpetrator of harm.  In Step 8, I am preparing to try to set things right. It’s just not enough to merrily proclaim myself to be ‘happy, joyous, and free’, when those I hurt are still feeling the sting. They are free to stay in the victim mode if they want, but my aim is to clean ‘my side of the street’. Anythin...

 What constitutes a “vital spiritual experience”?  I believe that the Spirit of God resides in every body and every thing. I belie that belief though whenever I see or feel a separation from anything. The brokenness brought on by my addiction and obsession with alcohol exasperated an emotional blindness to this truth. It shows up in comparisons: I’m not as good/popular/rich/smart as ___________, but at least I’m better/more popular/richer/smarter than ________. Who am I trying to kid? We all have moments of spiritual significance. Who can look at a glorious sunset without feeling the wonder of it? What else is the tenderness one feels when interacting with a puppy or a kitten or a laughing human baby besides a joy of creation? When I reached for that “flimsy reed” and found that I was fully supported, I could finally relax into the knowing that change was possible. Hope was possible. Freedom to be my best self was possible. I am a shining thread in the tapestry of the All That...

 I can’t know what drives others, but I’d better know what drives me. Compassion or indifference? Courage or fear? Openness or a closed mind? Justice or punishment? Humility or pompousness? Abiding joy or temporary highs? Sobriety or caving to the cravings? I’ll be honest - I swing back and forth. I know the person I want to be, and that gives me purpose. That knowing can show me the way away from the person-I-was to the free soul that I am. I have the opportunity daily to choose my path. Will it be the well-trod path of easiest, fastest, who has the most, or will I choose, like enlightened souls throughout time, to take the ‘road less travelled’? Fortunately, that less travelled road is still a path made by those who desired a different way to serenity. They left giant footprints, way stations, and enough light to move steadily forward. All I need is willingness and action. As I willingly let go of my old ideas, I am given insight into new ideals, and the assurance that these are,...

 In the rooms of recovery, we share a single purpose: to deal directly with our addiction and how to transcend it by putting it in it’s proper perspective, and to share that freedom with those who still suffer. I recently found myself in one of those dungeons of self-pity. I called it by different names, but it boiled down to my failure to see myself as a whole, worthy, loved child of my Creator. I willingly walked into my ‘cave of comparison’ and found myself wanting, in both senses of the word. Denial became my means to handle the feelings that came up: I’m just tired; I’ve dealt with this, so I’m not feeling what I feeling; I just lack perspective at the moment… Because I had promised to meet a friend at a meeting, I reluctantly went, rather than stay home and stew, which is all I felt like doing. There was a speaker, sharing her experience, strength, and hope, even though she admitted that she had wanted to cancel. Sometimes, we just want to stay in that no-hope zone. But, she ...

 I will be your standing stone - I will stand by you. Melanie DeMore If I am to be willing to be of service to others, I must be ready and aware of opportunities. It can be as simple as a moment of opening a door for someone else, pulling back to let another driver merge, or a reassuring smile to a harried parent. It can also be in planned activities: visiting with the sick and dying, giving those harried parents a night off by watching their children, or keeping a loved one company when they feel alone. There are so many ways to be of service! We are only limited by our imagination and the willingness to make ourselves available. I don’t do for others what they can do for themselves. It would be easy to drift into a codependency, which serves no one. I must first take care of my own oxygen mask before helping someone else with theirs. Balance is key. In the rooms of recovery, service to others is a built-in feature. No one is paid to sponsor. Speakers freely share their experience...

 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. This is the step which makes me confront my excuses, justifications, and righteousness. What stories have I told myself which let me off the hook of accountability? It is now time to face those aspects of myself which would be unacceptable to me if manifested in someone else. Self-delusion and denial were the places I used to live in. Can I now deal with unvarnished reality? Can I see my past behavior and actions for the lies I chose to believe? This doesn’t simply happen because it’s part of a list of to-dos. This is the logical progression of personal growth and responsibility, and follows a boatload of self-reflection and honest self-appraisal. It is the ‘next right action’. It is the ‘right-sizing’ of true humility. It is the recognition that my words and actions have consequences. It is the result of putting myself in another’s shoes and acknowledging the path they walk, and the obstac...

 For the most part, 12-Step programs consist of sets of suggestions. I’ve even heard people say that there are no ‘musts’, but I disagree: One of my first assignments was to go through the first 164 pages and underline them. I had the feeling the exercise was to show that there were none, but I found many, including, from page 84 of the Big Book, “The spiritual life is not a theory, We have to live it.” Thank goodness this spiritual life isn’t specific. The third step suggests that we “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” That is an important caveat. I don’t have to accept anyone else’s idea of a Higher Power. I am assured of my right to find that which is meaningful to me, and even then, that understanding is subject to change. As I grow in knowledge and insight, my views will evolve with me. Each of us has the right and the responsibility to ourselves to find that higher knowing, and to live by the principles embodied there...