Reflections from Reflections

 I didn’t understand the concept of “anonymity” when I first came into the rooms. I didn’t realize that it is a safe space, a place where I can bare my soul and share my struggles as well as my tiny victories. That lack of understanding delayed my recovery. I still blanch a little when a big sign proclaims our presence among “normies”. I don’t loudly admit my alcoholism (not any more, anyway). I can certainly relate to those who drag their feet when deciding to come into the rooms. It can feel like a public proclamation of failure at first, and who wants that? There is power and hope in overcoming that first hurdle, but we all must feel safe doing so! I’ve seen a lot of people keep to the path of sobriety and spiritual awareness, but I’ve also seen many more who, for whatever reason, just can’t stick with it. None of us has the authority to claim to be representatives of AA as a whole, but each of us is an emissary of recovery by how we live our lives.  We are all pretty tende...

 A friend of mine once remarked, after regaling us with stories of his past, that he was a “sh*t magnet”. His wife immediately laughed and replied that she hoped that wasn’t entirely  true! What kind of magnet am I? What do I attract to myself? Where does my mind like to park itself, and what does it like to chew on? When I meditate on this philosophy, I think of ‘attraction’ as a drawing-in, while ‘promotion’ is a blasting-out. These are the two poles of the magnet. The pioneers of AA had to learn through sad experience that it is more effective to demonstrate sobriety than to proselytize. When others can see that my life has changed for the better, when that isn’t accompanied by the judgement implicit in telling them how to change their own lives, I am more likely to attract. If I choose instead to indulge in promoting a new way of life, I invite criticism and failure. Promotion can be a product of the ego - “Look at me! Look at me! I have the answers!”. I’m a hot air balloo...

 I joined a traveling religious acting troupe after I graduated from high school. I figured it would be a fun and worthy way to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life. What it taught me was to expect applause for every little effort; that speaking someone else’s words would be sufficient; that I never represented simply myself and had no idea who that was, anyway. It began as something which would fulfill a childhood commitment to God, while satisfying the ego’s desire for attention. Weird mixture for a young, impressionable, immature girl. Decades later, after finding myself in need of the humility necessary for growth (my egotism showed up as being more pitiful than everyone else), alcoholism led me to the rooms of recovery. Nearing ten years of sobriety, I started this blog. I very quickly attached each page to my Facebook page, and had a couple of regular readers. I appreciated their kind words, and felt that I was being of service by posting my words. One morning, ...

 So, our Big Book was going to be called “The Way Out”, until someone found that there were already 12 other books with that title. 12 is a mystical number, I believe. We in 12-Steps recovery are partial to it! Thus was the stage set for the title “Alcoholics Anonymous” - the name of the book, the name of the movement, and a template for our spiritual recovery. We’re a wonderful conglomeration of different personalities and cultures, all learning to set aside those differences to concentrate on that affliction which binds us as one. We learn to utilize our unique gifts in our common cause, setting ego to the side. At least, that’s the idea. By accepting anonymity in the outside world, the focus is on our individual and collective recoveries. I have been given such a remarkable gift in the process, one for which I’m deeply grateful. I am learning the value of us. “Me first” has no place in the rooms of recovery. I’m learning to look at myself in the Light of Love, and to see every o...

 Religion has done so much to divide us, it becomes difficult for me to want to follow the suggestion Bill makes on page 87 of the Big Book: “Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.” But okay. In learning to humble myself and my thoughts, I don’t need to react so negatively to those who feel that theirs is the ‘only way’: I give myself permission to try on different opinions, and see which ones are a good fit. I allow myself to discard what no longer applies to my emotional and spiritual growth and understanding. When I pray, it is primarily to say ‘thank you’ or ‘what now?’, and when I meditate, I explore hits of thought. I utilize my background and experience to find a Truth to which I can relate. That is everyone’s right. I acknowledge that we are all on this human journey and make sense of it in ways that speak to us as individuals. I find nuggets of wisdom in all spiritual paths, and it is my intention to honor that which supports a highe...

 According to the anonymous author quoted from page 542 of the Big Book, the only two sins are impeding the growth of another, and impeding the growth of oneself. I think the story must be in an earlier version, because my copy had the story “A Late Start”, which spoke to me. Both the author and I got started on our alcoholic drinking later in life. There was so much relatable experience, I was glad to have that story highlighted, even indirectly. But to the topic: impeding the growth of others and ourselves. Working on personal growth is paramount to recovery, and sharing that growth, including both struggles and victories, is the double benefit of service to the understanding of another while gaining personal insights in the process. Win/win! There is certainly a part of me that wants to hide, to keep to myself, but that serves no one, least of all myself. Growth is change; change is facing fears and having an openness to learn. Learning is active and open to challenges. Being he...

 Today’s reading in Daily Reflections is the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. That’s it. I’m not going to try to add to what is already beautifully complete, but I’ll just toss in my thoughts about it. This prayer is a sublime distillation of the 12 steps. Don’t we seek to be lights in the darkness of our addictions? Balm to the pains of ego? Balance in the midst of unfairness? Yes indeed! St. Francis laid it all out beautifully. He reminds us that it is not about us as individually hurting; it is about how to transcend that pain in order to offer compassion and hope to those who still suffer. It reminds us about how that compassion is a loop—finding forgiveness by forgiving, find oneself by self-forgetting. It lays out priorities about serving others, comforting others, understanding others, and loving others. It takes us out of ourselves, and back into Life.

 We don’t hope for a ‘dark night of the soul’, but we all face challenges we’d really rather slide past. I know that’s true for me, anyway. I think that all of us—we who have faced or are currently facing our addictions—have experienced that process, which brought us to the rooms. That was a true humbling moment; one where I had to finally admit that my way wasn’t working. I had always rebelled against the very idea of turning over my will, even as I wanted to do what I felt was right; it screamed to me of a willing suspension of personal power and autonomy. Surely we were created as thinking beings, capable of self-determination!  Well, I think that’s right. We were. And I see where that personal stubbornness took me. I can sense when that desire to act on impulse leads me into trouble. Have I asked for guidance? Have I listened or felt for the answer? How often have I ignored the guidance I received because it was “too obvious” or simply not what I wanted? I’m very good at s...

 I can feel that sense of “slipping fast” when I stray from daily prayer and meditation. Bill refers to this as “to slight serious meditation and prayer”.  The concept of maintaining contact through focused intent goes way beyond the quick cries of “what do I do now?” —it indicates the need to be steady and intentional in my daily “conscious contact” with the Spirit of Life; to be serious about it. This blog has been a result of my (almost) daily commitment and follow-through to do just that. What I’m learning is that this practice opens a door I never dreamed I had access to. It invites me daily to go deeper, to listen with my heart, and to explore in words what that journey is teaching me. It has opened me to possibility. What I risk losing by ignoring that call to go deeper is a return to discomfort, disquiet, and discontent. Life goes on happening, whether I’m purposefully participating or not. The submission to the Power is the freedom from self—the egoic cries of “no fai...

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!    Yogi Berra The paths I’ve taken in this life are like their natural counterparts: sometimes smooth and obvious, sometimes rocky and unclear, with all the other iterations tossed in randomly. I can hope for consistency, but I’d better be ready for surprises. When I come to those forks, in which direction do I go? The obvious answer to me is to pray - to ask for direction, then listen for the answer. That isn’t how I’ve typically reacted though. I’ll moan about how there should be signs along the way, it should be clear, I shouldn’t have to ‘guess’, or whatever. These are the times I stubbornly refuse to play. Life is no fair, and I wanna sulk. I’m hardly listening to that ‘still, small voice’ when I’m loudly complaining about what is, and how it’s not what I wanted. Here’s the deal: Love is. Love is all. Love remains. Love is still there when I’m ready to join it. It hasn’t gone anywhere, it doesn’t reject me or punish me for whe...

 My human tendency is to seek approval. I’m more aware of it nowadays, thank goodness, but there was a time when that felt like a deep need, and it informed all my actions and relationships. Not surprisingly, I couldn’t find what I wanted to find outside of myself. The idea of being content with who I am made me nauseous—it seemed like an impossibility, a standard made for others.  This lack was reflected in my spiritual life. How could I have a relationship with anything so big and unfathomable which found me incomplete? I had come to understand that the answer to the question “why me?” was “why not me?”, but that understanding had no roots. It just left me feeling even more lonely and unloveable.  That loneliness was ultimately a very selfish emotion, because everything, all the time, was about ME—how I felt about anything, how I perceived your reaction or lack thereof to me, how much better everyone else had it, how I was so unappreciated and misunderstood… I’m in dail...

 I stuck a 24-Hour chip on a cabinet door in my kitchen. It stands out there, a daily reminder to me to not take my sobriety for granted. I could easily go there, with an “I got this” attitude. Fortunately for me, as well as for so many others before, with, and after me, I’ve read the accounts and heard the first-person stories of those who believed that lie, and found themselves slaves to their addiction/s once again.  Bill wrote on page 85 of the Big Book that “We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” There are very few ‘musts’ in our program, but this is the big one. We must “carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.” Every day, into every activity, every thought, every action. These things don’t just happen. They are the fruits of working the steps, culminating in living by the instructions of Steps 10, 11, and 12.  Taking a daily inventory and being personally a...

 I don’t choose to breathe—it happens naturally. I can, however, choose to breathe mindfully, slowly, intentionally. This is the basic foundation of meditation. Likewise, prayer is as simple as a quick ‘hi’, ‘help!’, or ‘now what?’—often unconsciously said, but always available to be used mindfully, with attention and intention. My Creator hears me. My guides and angels hear me. I say ‘thank you for being here with me now’, and I feel the assurance of never being alone. I can say thanks in a moment’s inspiration, or admit that I need direction and clarity, then leave it for the assurance in quiet inspiration in meditation.  I make time to eat. I choose what I’ll cook or create, because I need the sustenance that food provides. I stay hydrated, because my body requires that of me. I breathe because I don’t have the power to stop doing so. I talk with my Higher Power because I can, and I listen because I asked.  Food, water, air—those are necessary for physical life. Prayer...

 I used to struggle to hear the inspiration I wanted to hear. I was desperately hoping that what I wanted was what I was led to do, rather than quieting my thoughts, getting my wants - my ego - out of the way, and truly being open to what the ‘still, small voice’ had to suggest. I still tend to go there when I’m not open to other possibilities, or when those wants are screaming louder than my willingness to listen. So how do I learn to hear the guidance which is available to me? By practicing. Every day, over and over, sitting in the quiet of meditation. By embodying the steps and principles of our program, especially Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. “As we understood Him”. For me, that means expanding my openness to what that is, and removing any old, limiting concepts such as humanness or gender. When I think of that Omnipot...

 I think it’s okay to have wants. I certainly believe that it is a common human emotion. In seeking to live in a way which brings me closer to my Creator, I have to look at those wants carefully and determine which ones are purely selfish - a nicer apartment, more money, all the “stuff” - and which ones serve a greater need. I want the unhoused to have shelter, for example; what am I doing about it? If I am to be of service, is this something I take to the Spirit of All in prayer? Do I follow through with action? We learn to turn away from self-will and self-seeking. It’s quite a turn-around for this former drunk. I used to be consumed by what I wanted, and it wasn’t anything that I had. I saw lack everywhere, and was only concerned with what I was missing out on. I was depressed, and willingly shared with anyone who would stand still long enough to hear my tales of woe. What a fun party guest I was! I spent years even before drinking alcoholically without the willingness to look w...

 Of the many suggestions and reminders we receive when together, taking a moment for the person who still suffers and taking our personal stories to those open to hearing are, I think, key to recovery. These acts take us out of ourselves, and hasn’t that been our biggest obstruction? Bill wrote that “..our troubles are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot…” (Big book, page 62) My morning meditation starts with my version of the Third Step prayer, and ends with another version of the Seventh Step prayer. Both are reminders to me that I am in community with others. I receive and I give, not necessarily in equal measure. That’s okay. The meditation time sets the stage for how I will face my day and it’s challenges. It aligns me with a Higher Purpose. These morning thoughts bring me home to an inner calm. Quieting my mind at the beginning of the day helps me to listen to the Power and Presence, and to he...

 Wherever You Go, There You Are    John Kabat-Zinn I’d like to have the inner strength (and the arms) of Michelle Obama, the grace of Simone Biles, the compassion and tenacity of Eleanor Roosevelt, the poetic strength of Maya Angelou, the confidence of Verushka. Can I accept the facts that unlike Michelle and Simone, I don’t exercise my body or have a natural grace to build upon? Can I accept that I don’t exercise the self-discipline of Eleanor or Maya, or that I don’t have the positive body image of Verushka? I am what I am - chronically overweight and under-toned, scratching at the door of self-discipline. I fall short of my ideals and my goals. I procrastinate, I avoid challenges, and I can get lost in my failures. I am also aware that I have been given this existence, and I get to make the choices about it that enhance or diminish the experience. I do both, all the time - this is the school of life. What I’m learning, thanks a great deal to the 12 Steps, is to see who...

 Prayer and meditation is all-inclusive. Anyone can join in, anytime - on knees, sitting, standing, in a temple, on a bus, while preparing meals, anywhere, anytime. It is that moment of connection with the Power of the universe, and can be just that few seconds or extended time set aside just for that. Anywhere, anytime. I make my own rules - that’s how I roll. My Higher Power is cool with it. That sense of belonging is alive and well in whatever effort I make to maintain my communication with the Spirit of Life. It’s two-way as well. As I’ve learned to simply be, I continue to learn to listen to that’ still, small voice’.  In following the advice to free myself from what spiritual ‘leaders’ have determined it to be, I’m more open to others being able to define their own Higher Power. We all belong. We all have the opportunity and the right to have our own individual relationships with Power, as we understand it. I don’t have to follow any formula, or have my experiences verif...

 There is so much misunderstanding about meditation - what it is, how to do it, where and when to do so - no wonder most people say they can’t meditate. There’s a misconception that it means having no thoughts at all! Maybe some advanced yogis somewhere can achieve that, but this everyday girl hasn’t reached that level or come anywhere close. It is, in fact, an individual adventure. For me, the fundamental reason I meditate is to be open to receive. I talk to my Creator. I need to be open to hearing that Spirit commune with me as well, and I can’t do that if I’m busy solving the world’s problems (!) or worrying about whatever else I have no control over. I can’t hear it if my inner voice is busy justifying my beliefs or behavior, or if I’m anticipating what I’d like to hear.  An adventure is experiencing something as yet unknown. Am I open? Can I relax into simply be ing for a moment or for several minutes? Can I listen past the mental clutter? Every time I make time to medita...

 I have lots of experience in ‘holding on and never letting go’. It’s based on my feeling as though I have to understand what’s going on, or I need to have the answer - now, or I need to figure out a problem, or I have to know what the resolution will be and how soon I’ll see it. Control, ego, impatience - what a dreadful stew they make!  Can I relax into what is, and let it be? That’s a challenge. Sometimes action is simply required - I have a responsibility to others and to myself to take action where I feel it’s needed. Isn’t that an example of my arms being the Arms of God? I believe so. What I have no control over is the outcome of my efforts. Therein lies the importance of my understanding of “let go and let God”. I do what I feel called to do - the taking of the ‘next right action’ - and I am then free to know that, as Julian of Norwich wrote, “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” The last phrase of Step 11 specifies: “…prayi...

 I don’t think that the concept of ‘going with the flow’ means to mindlessly drift. I think we are presented challenges as we move through life, and, if we are to grow, these challenges must be met. What the idea means to me is that I no longer fight reality. I get to choose my battles along the way, but to expect no hardship, no challenge, is to deny the fullness of life. How I’ve faced the difficulties is what has shaped me up to now; going forward, I am more equipped spiritually to flow in an easier way. There’s a rock? Flow around it. There’s a waterfall? Take a deep breath and go with it to the bottom and through. In the shallows? Relax and float. Up against a dam? Go over it, around it, or take it apart and flow through it. When I try to swim upstream, I have to fight the whole way. That seems to work for salmon, but it’s not the way I choose to go. I have a sweet little wall hanging which reminds me: “Don’t trip over something behind you”. That tells me not to look back and ...

 The quality of my faith is reflected in the spiritual maturity I’ve gained. There is a realistic nature in relaxing away from the prior prayers of “if you give me this, I’ll do that”, into the serenity-inducing prayer of “thy will be done”. Bad stuff happens to good people and, as a constant challenge to my sense of fairness, good things happen to bad people. That’s real life. Developing some spiritual maturity helps me realize that, as James Finley wrote, “If we are absolutely grounded in the absolute love of God that protects us from nothing even as it sustains us in all things, then we can face all things with courage and tenderness and touch the hurting places in others and in ourselves with love.” The quality of our faith deepens as we work the steps. We are promised a “a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps”. As a result. When I keep the principles front and center, when I take honest reviews of my actions and my motivations, when I learn to recognize when my ego...

 Self-examination, meditation, and prayer - the trifecta of personal growth! When I say that I’m in constant contact with my Higher Power, I mean I occasionally say “oh - hi!”. I’m aware that I am always in the presence of my Creator, and that I can choose to bring my concerns to it anytime - which doesn’t mean that I do . Adopting the daily discipline (okay, most days) of actively spending time in self-examination, meditation, and prayer, has shown me the importance of this practice. I’m learning to listen with heart and soul, to understand more deeply, to forgive more easily, to see my actions without the filters of self-justification and self-pity. I’m very much a ‘work in progress’, but now I can see  that progress, I can feel  the growth, and I’m learning to truly appreciate my journey. I’ve come to understand how important ‘working the steps’ is as a way of looking at life. It goes beyond sobriety - it challenges me to apply the process to all aspects of my life. T...

 When I place myself in the presence of Love, there is no self-flagellation. I can see actions I’ve taken in the context of learning from them, wrapped in a blanket of self-forgiveness and acceptance.  I never wanted to spend time doing any self-searching, because I confused that concept with ‘self-seeking’ - selfishness and self-justification. The attempt always left me with what I called my “Cavalcade of Failures”. I didn’t have the kind of relationship with my Creator which would allow for honest focus and earnest listening. All I felt was a sense of shame and lack. I had to gradually learn to listen to Love. Don’t get me wrong - it’s an ongoing process, but so much has shifted for me as I’ve learned to let go of my old ways of thinking and coping. I’m more willing to hear. I’m more open to my communication with the Spirit of Life being a two-way experience. I’m less apt to treat my Higher Power as my fairy godmother, expecting, hoping, for her to give me all the things, or...

 I understand optimism because I know pessimism. I get how optimism feels, because I’m intimately acquainted with depression. These are the natural dualities of life. How can one define happiness without seeing the opposite? Existence is a hilly road, up and down, turns to the left and turns to the right, sometimes clear and sometimes dark and unlit. Constant contact with the Great GPS is what helps me navigate all the parts. I know that I am loved and lovable, cherished and capable, no matter what. I know that nothing is permanent, that ‘this too shall pass’. Step 11 reminds me to maintain constant contact with my Higher Power, and that Power reminds me that I exist on purpose. It is the water wings holding me up, and the ‘atta girl’ when I soar through. It reminds me to look for the lessons, and have deep, true, oxytocin-producing happiness through gratitude. The greatest optimistic ocean for me is my sobriety. Look, HP, at what we’ve done! Watch me swim! Your love, like a hand o...

 Today’s Daily Reflection contains some real gems: “I know the difference between superstition and  spirituality” and “…if I cannot change the wind, I can adjust my sail”. Bill is quoted from his own bitter experience as well: “…alcohol is a subtle foe.” (Big book, page 85). I am reminded to maintain my spiritual connection. This is the key to sobriety, serenity, and usefulness. I no longer have the superstitious beliefs which clouded the ‘sunlight of the spirit’ - there is no either/or, no right way/wrong way. There is only connection with the Spirit of Life, my Creator, the I AM. The old, frustrating answer to all the questions of why and how was to “just have faith”, but that demanded belief in the unbelievable and allegiance to the unknown. For me, those words now have a deeper, truer meaning. I now have the faith that my life is part of the Great Whole, and that each life is for deepening our understanding and connection with the Divine. What am I here to learn? What keep...