Reflections from Reflections

 Service to others is a Higher Calling. We all know people, either close to us or from the media, who give of themselves, just as we know or know of people who are self-serving. We all get to choose for ourselves which end of the parameters we choose to operate from. I have the opportunity, every day, to assist others who want to find their way to sobriety. What a gift! If I am open to these chances, I get to help those who have been stuck in the mire of alcoholism find their way to freedom.  Many folks within the rooms of AA have observed, I think correctly, that we wish all people could avail themselves of a 12-Step map to serenity. Experience tells us repeatedly, though, that it is a gift of desperation, complete honesty being the least favored and most avoided way of life. Long before alcoholism took hold in me, I had a copy of the 12 Steps on my fridge (courtesy of advice columnists), because they struck me as a good way to navigate life. They’re like the long version of ...

 I have to challenge myself often by asking what I’m doing to help those who are still suffering from alcoholism. There are parameters involved, the first being do they want help? If my help becomes a nagging reminder to them, I’m not being helpful, nor am I encouraging through ‘attraction, not promotion’. If what I say and do is simply feeding my ego, I need to shut right up and trust that their Higher Power is working on it. If asked, however, my first responsibility to to share my own story.  What a strange combination of humility and sometimes brutal honesty! If I share through pride, I’m on the wrong path and need to recalibrate. I can’t hide my past actions or inactions and tell a complete and honest story. Those who still suffer are experiencing fighting their shadow selves, hoping to disown them by drowning them. They are living with that same sense of feeling uniquely damaged that I felt, and need to hear that I, and others, have also experienced personal failure, but...

 I am he as you are he as you are me   And we are all together   “I am the Walrus”, Lennon/McCartney We are all fighting our personal battles. The one thing we all share is the desire to get and stay sober. “We” - that all-inclusive start to the First Step, reminds me that the path is wide and all-inclusive. Anyone who has the courage (or the ‘judge nudge’) to come through our doors is welcome.  We’re pack animals - we work best when we work together. We all have different strengths and diverse weaknesses, but by working together, each of us is stronger. Many people decide that now is not the time, or they find the program too hard, too God-centric, too simple, or too populated by those they judge harshly. The doors of welcome are always open for their return, provided they have, as the Third Tradition says, “the desire to stop drinking”.  We who have had the privilege of learning enough humility to stay have found that the best surprise of the program is having...

 Hanging onto guilt is like sweeping the pile of dirt under the rug - on the surface, it looks fine, but one errant kick, and it’s a dust storm. Brushing up all the junk and disposing of it once and for all takes little more effort, with far better results. There will be more crud to sweep up, but it won’t be the same old, same old. I have treated old guilt like golden trophies - gilt guilt, if you will. It’s as if I must keep it and show it to everyone. “Look at what a loser I am!”, it says. I believe in redemption - for everyone else. Why not myself? Am I that heinous? Hardly. I believe it comes down to whether or not I’m willing to honestly face my shortcomings and then take the necessary actions. Without doing so, I doom myself to maudlin guilt, which becomes my default identity. No thanks. I choose the higher path - the one where I learn and grow. The one that reassures me that I am worthy of love and capable of change. The path forged by so many courageous souls, past and pre...

 Ego says “I’ve got this; humility says “Please help”. Based on my history, I can pretty positively assert that negativity used to rule me. I’d goof up, then, if I couldn’t find someone to blame, it would provide proof to me that I was defective. A defective person couldn’t aspire to any kind of success, therefore I was justified in mucking around in the sludge. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  What if I utilized my missteps, instead, as a learning tool? That would require personal accountability, a pulling-up of my ‘big girl panties’. Ego would never allow that. It told me two diametrically opposed lies: either the goof-up belonged to someone else, leaving me blameless, or I was the biggest jerk ever, unredeemable and doomed. Ego is fickle like that. I was the very best or the very worst, depending on the day and situation. Humility says to me, “Get up and try again. You’re human. Forgive yourself and move on”. My relationship with my Higher Power assures me that reaching ...

 We live in a world of sorrows and tragedies. It has always been so, but we are now pelted with the rocks of real-time coverage, coming at us from every direction. It can be so easy to fall into despair. Living in that hopelessness isn’t healthy for anyone. The antidote isn’t hidden in a bottle - it never was, no matter how many times I tried to find it there. I practice gratitude. I say ‘thank you’ many times a day, for the little things I never used to see, and for the big, obvious blessings. Thank You for my breath. Thank You for this day, and for coffee to start it off. Thank You for air conditioning. Thank You for friendships and mutual support. Thank You for carrot cake. Thank You for the ability to walk all the way across a parking lot, without getting pissy about having to. Thank You for the peace I feel when I express my gratitude. Thank You for the smile of a stranger, the kindness of those blessed with service jobs. Thank You for actors who have the ability to let me fee...

 I can be a very adept blamer. My unhappiness/“problem drinking”/lack, is because of you/ him/them. How could I be happy, joyous, or free when others had such power over me? When I didn’t feel worthy, when I felt I was drowning in self-loathing, it was impossible to feel any kind of positive emotion. I was a fraud, a fool, an innocent pawn - anything other than personally accountable. How could I be? Who would willingly accept the tragedies of alcoholism and it’s destruction? My Higher Power is the Great Architect, the Power Grid, the Essence of Love which allows me to experience, learn, and ask for help. It is the assurance that all is well, no matter what. It strengthens me to see where I have choice and accountability. It “restores my soul”. Walking in partnership with that Power, I am free to leave the past in the past, and to enjoy - fully - this day, this moment. I forget sometimes, and find myself in the self-blame mode of misery. Have I acknowledged my part? Have I made wha...

 I wanted concrete answers. I imagined rules to follow, almost like a prescription - ‘Take two and call me in the morning’. I wanted sobriety handed to me simply because I asked for it. Wasn’t it enough that I admitted defeat? Wasn’t it sufficient to be broken down? Hadn’t I suffered enough? The destruction of the illusion of separation - ego - isn’t pretty. That emotional suit of armor doesn’t easily dismantle. It was made to order! It fits me! Don’t expect me to step out of it, unshielded and naked!  Being among those who have learned to stand unprotected by any false fronts has taught me to do the same. It’s not that I don’t try to hide from time to time, but I learn again and again that hiding is counterproductive to enjoying the Sunlight of the Spirit. Why choose the shade? I stand with my Creator, open to growing spiritually so that I may enjoy life fully. In this Light, I can let be the things I can’t change. I can find the peace and serenity which are the fruits of Hig...

 The first step begins with “WE”. What a beautiful, reassuring word that is! The reminder, right from the very start, that I don’t have to face anything by myself. WE understand what it is like to feel alone. WE have all felt the sense of loss, the utter powerlessness over alcohol, the loneliness of feeling apart from rather that a part of.  I was reminded of that this morning when, instead of checking in with my “I’m still alive” buddy, I went back to bed. By the time I got back up, much later than normal, she had tried in vain to reach me several times, and was deeply concerned. I was able to finally let her know that breath and blood still course through my body, filling me with the gratitude of having the love of a friend who cares that that still happens. Our program is like that - WE don’t have to leave anyone in the dark, wondering what to do next. WE show by living our lives how to connect with others as well as our Higher Power. WE see in each other the Light of Life,...

 Back when I was a Victim, I would have no trouble listing my pain and anguish, my trials and tribulations, and all the ways life wasn’t fair. I was adept at noticing all that was wrong, because it was all I saw, the only parts of life I spent time with. Fault-finding was my passion, my permanent hobby. It became the quicksand holding me in the same stuck place. Practicing gratitude has not only pulled me out of the muck, it has given me wings to gently glide above, beyond, and through. It has given me a new perspective and moments of pure grace. In this moment, I listen through my open balcony door to the sounds of the laughter of friends getting together. I hear the curious clicking of the hummingbirds as they announce their territory. I sit in an apartment which has all I need and more. I have loved ones in my life with whom I can share life’s joys and - yes - sorrows.  In living in as much alignment with the Spirit of Life as I ask for and accept, I am learning to relax in...

 I once worked for a woman who had birthed five children. When I asked her how she’d managed, she told me that she’d just figured there was nothing she couldn’t handle for 30 seconds. I don’t know how many 30-seconds she got through, but the message stayed with me. This too shall pass. I think it’s the same kind of thing when I think about not drinking in increments of 24 hours. I can do 24 hours. I’ve done it several times now, and my plan is to stick with it. I’ve had moments of craving a drink, but I thought at those times “not now”. The thought of  “not ever” is too big, especially in the beginning, but one day at a time? That’s doable.  While I build strength from daily practice, I am also reminded that today is all I have. Today I will not drink. Today, all is well.

 I’ve given dud gifts. They rightly disappeared. I’ve also given gifts I thought were spot-on, but it turned out I was wrong. They also disappeared. I have both given and received gifts with strings attached, and the results were the same - a complete lack of gratitude. A gift with strings attached is a way a saying “you’re doing it all wrong”. It’s disempowering, demeaning, and is a recipe for resentment. One of the basic tenets of the gift of sobriety I’ve received is the importance of sharing it with others. Whether one-on-one, or on a group level, I receive hope and encouragement for this most important journey I’m on both when I give freely and when I receive what others choose to give. Like a smile, the giving is from the heart, freely offered, with no expectations. When I receive a smile in return, it’s like a double blessing.  When I freely give, I feel like I am released from that “bondage of self” we read about. Ego wants to step in and say “where’s the applause?”, b...

 To err is human, to forgive Divine. That seems right. I’m very human - I goof up, I ask for forgiveness, I move on. At least that’s the way I think it ought to work. And others? If they goof up (in my judgement), are they beyond my forgiveness? That forgiveness has to come from deep within myself, whether or not it has been sought. Forgiveness is a cleansing, a defrag, a reboot. It is the gift of inner peace and serenity. Can I connect with my Higher Self, the Divine within, to find that forgiveness? What if it’s just that simple? The Power Grid I plug myself into offers me that option. Dump the garbage, refill with compassion. It’s more than mere words; it has to be a renewal, coming from the heart of humility. It is the Light in me recognizing the Light in you. It is our commonality. I’m learning more every day. I’m finding more ease in my life as I grow, and as I learn to truly, honestly, profoundly find forgiveness for myself and for others.

 I stalled on this post yesterday, and I had to ask myself what the block was. Do I have no thoughts on forgiveness? I am heartened by stories of redemption, and I don’t believe they occur without at least the forgiveness of self involved. So what are my experiences with forgiveness? I hang on to my resentments. I’ve tried to look at them honestly, I can feel in the moment that all is well, but I drag them out of the muck and feel them all over again. What’s a person to do? Telling myself to grow up and get over it is just surface stuff - that is not a process which bears fruit. I’m excellent at finding reasons and justifications for bad behavior, whether mine or others. That’s simply freezing the topmost layer and trying to skate over it. I end up falling through into the endlessly-repeating rabbit hole. I’m thinking that going back to Step 4, as I’m doing now in a year-long step study, will give me a firmer footing upon which I can more easily find that beautiful redemption and f...

 When I look honestly at myself, what I've done, and what my motives were, and have discussed them with another person, I have less self-justification and more self-compassion. I recognize the uninformed ways in which I handled people and situations, and can see the results. This view, seen from my Higher Self, gives me a more open view of both myself and others. In this light, I can be open to forgiving others for reacting according to their own human limitations.  How freeing it is to release the burdensome load of resentments! And how the humbling aspect of self-recognition in the same actions leads to a feeling of lightness and understanding. We’re all just doing the best we can at any given moment. I have been given the gift of skipping to the next track in this LP of my life. I don’t need to keep repeating repeating repeating the same sequence of action/reaction. I can relax into letting things be what they are, knowing that none of it is personal.  I learn to see m...

 I received a lot of messages while young that were contrary to today’s theme: stand up straight - be proud of your height vs. you’re too tall to be a (fill in the blank); be honest vs. don’t air your dirty laundry; you’re perfectly fine just as you are vs. read this self-improvement book; why can’t you be more like your sister - you were raised exactly the same way. Feel good! Feel bad! Get better! Stop crying! Straighten up! Who do you think you are?  Whether by words or actions, the messages were clear: I was not okay. Is it any wonder that when I finally admitted that my life was unmanageable, I was still bound to the unreachable goal of perfection? I had failed, therefore, I was a failure. It was bad enough that alcohol had kicked my butt so hard I had to admit defeat - now I had to be completely honest with myself, my Higher Power, and (gasp) another human being? My whole idea of self-worth came from the image I projected. How on earth would I feel anything but self-hatr...

 The ‘easier, softer way’ is a fiction - it is hoping for change while taking no action. It’s waiting for my Fairy Godmother to bippety-boppety-boo me into where I want to be. Well, sorry Princess. I have to get out of my glass slippers and put on my work boots.  What I’ve discovered in sharing my flubs and flops with my sponsor - those actions I’ve taken which are counter to who I came to be - is that I am no longer shackled to them. They don’t need to define me.  I didn’t want to do that. Who wants to admit, out loud, their extreme vulnerabilities? Most of us are taught early on in our lives to not air our ‘dirty laundry’. The ‘easier, softer way’ seems like by just admitting them to myself, and by doing so, to my Higher Power, that would be sufficient. Why isn’t that enough? Why do I have to so thoroughly humble myself by admitting my failures of character out loud to another human being? Because by not doing so, I continue to hide and justify my brokenness. I risk mor...

 Bill W. calls them “tormenting ghosts”. They’re the ghouls of past actions, and they hide in the dark, waiting to emerge when least expected. “Remember me?” they hatefully hiss. My practice of denial and obfuscation keep them strong and present, monsters always under my bed. Step 4 shines a light under that bed, allowing me to see them for what they are, while Step 5 gives me the courage to acknowledge that I put them there. I did that. I don’t need to do the same ever again, if I stay aware of how they grew into existence in the first place. They are defanged in the process of sharing. They are of the past, not the present, and can no longer guide my actions or affect my self-esteem, unless I let them. I can better deal with them through the understanding and openness of looking at them with my sponsor. I ask the Light to always shine on my path, so that I don’t produce new ghosts. I am reminded of and humbled by the fact that I put them there - that I am capable of producing suc...

 I am not an Indigenous American. I can’t claim a Tribal identity. I can, however, relate to the word “tribe”, especially in relation to being in a 12 Step group. Together, we agree to certain principles which enhance our personal growth as well as the continuance of the group. Responsibility rests on each individual doing his or her part which enhances both aspects. Step 5 asks me to openly share my secrets - my fears, my missteps, my bad behavior - with a trusted confidant. I, in turn, am asked to listen to another’s vulnerabilities with an open, non-judgmental heart. In so doing, we establish mutual trust, from which we are both free to grow into our best selves. That’s the plan. How honest I am with myself determines how much I can learn from my past. Sobriety is so much deeper than simply not drinking - it is Freedom, Joy, Serenity, Peace. It is a life-long process, one which gets easier with willingness to be humbled by Reality. My tribe helps me by challenging me to be trans...

 I used to wake up at nights crying from the pain in my arms and legs. My mother would kindly assure me that they were just “growing pains”, and they were perfectly natural. She probably gave me an aspirin and tucked me back in. I just assumed that they were part of the ‘no fair’ness of childhood. My growing pains have long been replaced by other physical challenges - nothing others don’t experience in some form. It’s just part of having physical bodies. I can accept the challenge, do what I can, and move on, or I can concentrate solely on what hurts, excluding the good all around me. I have choice when in comes to where I place my attention. Step 5 can be like that. In Step 4, I am invited and encouraged to find the source within myself for any soul-sickness caused by my own actions or thoughts. In Step 5, I confront them by exposing them to myself, my Creator, and my sponsor. Doing so is far more effective than aspirin for these growing pains. It puts me in the position of healin...

 The Only Way Out is Through.   Robert Frost I’ve read about incredible feats of bravery and strength in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. Adrenaline kicks in, and what couldn’t be conceived of moment before is suddenly possible. Something that “only happens to other people” is thrust upon them, and they do the only thing they can - they rise to the occasion. Can I do the same for the little, everyday acts of bravery? For the ones that are larger than my perception of my capability? My spiritual communities remind me that I must trust my Higher Power and  take action. It’s like the “love and marriage” and “horse and carriage” of the old song - they go together. Within the 12-Steps rooms, my first and biggest act of walking through my fear was to walk through the doors. The decision to do so was my reaction to the first acknowledged nudge from my Creator; taking the action was my part. I learned that the fear had only kept me from learning to be a sober human, no ...

 Ego’s a funny thing. It wants me to feel ‘different from’, ‘less than’, or ‘better than’. It seeks the loopholes in taking personal responsibility for my actions or failures to act. It tells me lies. It gives me justifications. Ego is also an integral part of being human, making us feel separate from our Creator. It challenges me to see how similar I am to my fellow humans, especially to those humans with whom I disagree.  Today is Mother’s Day. This is the biggest Step 5 day for me, because I can’t avoid confronting the myriad ways in which I fell short of being the mother I wanted to be in actuality. It is a day of clarity. I have deep gratitude for my three sons, as well as sadness for not being everything to each of them - even though I know that that is an impossibility. Today is both a day of reckoning and a day of self-forgiveness for being human. I am clear about the fact that each of them is on his own journey, and that they all have the wherewithal to meet their own...

 I’ve never practiced a faith which requires confession, but my impression was that once confessed, a person could be free to “sin” all over again, then simply repeat the process. I’m fairly certain that’s not the idea, but could possibly be how it is practiced. “Oops - I did it again”, as Britney sang. But then, having done a 5th step, the injunction to “go and sin no more” becomes more meaningful.  First, I have to find the causes and excuses behind my actions and resentments. If I can be honest with myself, I’m on track. Then I wholeheartedly share this information with my sponsor, or my Priest, Rabbi, Imam, or other trusted person. If I hold onto any shred of self-justification or keep parts private, I deprive myself of the freedom to become the person I want to be. There’s always that little bit of deception that has the power to grow roots and take over the garden of my peace. What I can feel in the sharing is that I lose the weight that shame carries. I learn to see the...

I can’t understand what I don’t uncover. I can’t uncover what I don’t want to see. How do I remove the justifications that keep my resentments alive? How do I learn to recognize my own rationalizations? It is by talking things out with a trusted person (in my case, my sponsor) that I can start to see the patterns in my own behavior and find more healthy ways to deal with what has not worked for me, for the sake of my highest good and my emotional growth.  I can keep my focus on that one tree, whether I’m right in front of it or simply concentrating on it alone, without even noticing that it’s part of a forest. When I am asked to describe it, do I consider the context in which I find it? What judgements do I attach to it? What is factual and what is opinion? How do I determine that particular tree’s importance to my journey? Can I relax into another viewpoint? Can I let it be whatever it is, or do I need to chop it down? Is it mine to chop or alter? I find the kind of second sight I...

 Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.  James E. Faust My truth today is that I’m not hearing the Voice of Wisdom. My body is sore and achy, the weather is already signaling the uncomfortable heat ahead, I have a toothache, and the job I thought would be affordable is anything but. I’m on my “pity pot”. I will be taking it all to my sponsor. She’ll ask about solutions, and make me consider options. I’ll be encouraged to find perspective, as well as to attend to my gratitude list. I’ll be reminded that nothing is permanent; that “this too shall pass”. I’ll drink more water and eat some healthy food. I’ll slip in an ice cream bar and watch a comedian. I’ll get together over Zoom with a group of friends tonight. I’ll make plans for my upcoming Big Birthday. I’ll find myself celebrating my life, in spite of myself. I feel better already! Truth is the starting point.

 The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.   Joseph Campbell I can have all sorts of insights about myself. They usually appear just as I’m trying to get to sleep at night. I thank my Higher Power for showing them to me, and then blissfully forget about them. It is in the forgetting that no action needs to be taken. I’m actually being reminded about those traits I keep in dark storage. I can’t throw them away if I never acknowledge their presence, never unpack and look at them. They just stay where they are, taking up space, sapping my energy. Step 5 encourages me to drag them into the Light, to see them and deal with them. When I share their existence with that Light and with another human being, I begin to see how they’ve kept me from true freedom and happiness. I get to choose to confront my shortcomings, or to shove them back into the dark cave of resistance. When I look at my part in my resentments and hurts, I can begin to see the ways in which those dark c...

 Your word is a Lamp to my feet and a Light to my path.   Psalm 119:105 I often hear just what I need to hear from the mouths of others. I believe this is one way that my Creator speaks to me. Is it not therefore likely that I can be that conduit for others? When I’ve learned how to shine a light on those things I’ve tried to hide, I can more effectively be of service to another.  Light exposes; darkness conceals. I’m learning every day to have the courage to look squarely at how my words,  actions, or inactions have harmed others. I’m then more able to see those deficits of selfishness, self-pity,  resentments, and dishonesty, and face them down. This isn’t possible without willingness, humility, openness, and honesty. I can slowly learn to empty out that scary, dark closet full of shame, sweep away the detritus, clear the cobwebs, and find my self-worth. When I listen to others share their experience, strength, and hope, I hear the similarities in their storie...

 Sometimes, I treat my resentments like a dog treats a chew toy. I gnaw on them, growl at them, keep them close. I might beg someone else to throw them away, but I chase after and retrieve them. They’re mine, after all. They’re familiar. My identity is defined by them: “I’m the poor little thing who didn’t get my way, was unfairly treated, blah blah blah”. These show up in my 4th step inventory. I learn to stop retrieving those worn out things, and find that I never needed any of them. I am allowed happiness! Other things which can be uncovered in that inventory are the ways in which I may have rightfully earned the resentment of others. These are my secrets - the things which, if I’m honest enough to shine a light on, can still demand to be kept private. I’m asked in step 5 to admit them to God as I understand God, to myself, and to another person. That admission is the all-ride ticket to personal freedom. I can’t be held captive by the monsters under my bed, because I’ve swept th...