Reflections from Reflections

 I cannot keep what I don’t willingly give away. This is the bottom line in 12-step groups. I can’t hoard my sobriety. I can’t keep it to myself and yet manage to keep it at all. The very essence of growing personally is in freely giving it away. What a gift! Every time I share, my own sobriety, understanding of myself and my motives and triggers, and my relationship with my Higher Power deepens. As my vibration is one of sobriety and peace, I attract more of the same.  It’s like the idea of giving away your smile - most times, you get one in return, unless it’s inappropriate or creepy… what I send out returns to me. When I live my life according to the principles which resonate with me, I experience more peace. When I am troubled, I ask for help from someone who has transcended the same problem. What did they experience? What did they do about it? What would they do differently? I am safe to ask these things, just as I provide a safe space for when the same is asked of me....

If I am to “practice these principles in all my affairs” (from the 12th Step), I need to know just what these principles are. The 12 x 12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) expounds on them in detail, relating how they relate to group health. But what about the way I live my life? How do I live these principles outside of the safety of the rooms? I have to actually think about and meditate on what they mean to me personally. In the case of Tradition Four, Group Autonomy, I reflect on how I am an autonomous being. I rely on family and friends for their love and emotional support, to whatever degree they are able to give, but I alone am responsible for my thoughts and actions. Do I engage in activities which could harm another, emotionally or physically? Cut that out! Otherwise, I’m free to pursue those activities which interest me, contribute to my personal growth, and keep me standing in the Sunlight. It is my responsibility to both know and challenge my limitations and my shortcomin...

Humility and responsibility. These are the “magnificent standards” Bill wrote about in “As Bill Sees It”.  One of many, each doing our part.  I can look back over my time of sobriety in A.A., and see how those standards in others have benefitted me in my own understanding and growth. The challenge is to demonstrate them every day in my life. The first standard, humility, was tricky. I learned that I was not unique, as much as I tried to believe I was. I learned the truth of what seemed like a paradox: that I could describe myself as an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Oh my! I learned that having humility was nothing like being humiliated. Humility meant that I willingly removed my mask and revealed myself. Humiliation happened when my mask was forcefully, publicly removed. That was a very big difference. In the rooms, I felt the freedom to reveal, to find my true self. I could examine both my strengths and my weaknesses, and learn from there, because others had the humi...

 Oh, I want to thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you…. Natalie Merchant If I were to have friends over for dinner, but failed to plan, shop, or prep, my guests would leave hungry. They may also be any combination of mad, surprised, resentful, and hurt, and instead of making a meal, I would be making amends. If, however, a spontaneous get-together occurred, we would raid fridge and pantry, and together come up with something unexpected and fun. There would be no expectations to meet; instead we would feel gratitude for what we had. My morning meditation and writing is my meal prep. It fills my emotional and intellectual pantries with the food ready for spontaneous sharing. It allows me to acknowledge the many things for which I feel gratitude: the thriving plant on my whimsical side table, the morning breeze, the safety of my home, the encouragement of friends, the wherewithal to be of service to others, that sweet mandarin, the hummi...

 Don’t worry, be happy.  Bobby McFerrin That song emerged at just the right time for me. I had recently, suddenly, become a widow with three little boys. Hearing it was like getting a hug from God, like discovering a pocket of air in an undersea cave. It was a momentary sweet relief. It became my mantra. Becoming a young widow also fed my victimhood. I didn’t look for lessons; I looked for someone to save me. I didn’t look within, or ask my Creator for guidance; I fumbled and stumbled, and pretended to be strong. Happiness is real - it’s a gift. It’s peace, serenity, joyfulness. I see it as a wave cresting in the ocean, as a welcome surprise. It’s the other side of unhappiness, discontent, the troughs in that ocean. It doesn’t arise when called. So what do I do when I find myself confused, shaken, saddened, angered? How do I grow through the challenges that inevitably show up? What are the lessons for me to learn? Where is my Higher Power when it feels as if I’ve been abandone...

 In my before times, I lived in a mud puddle of  “I can’t”, while telling myself it’s name was “not yet”.  I couldn’t control my drinking without angst and failure, while believing that the timing was just off. I wasn’t ready for radical, life-changing decisions. It finally became apparent to me that I would never make that choice of myself - I was going to need help from a power greater than my will. I knew I had reached my bottom, and something had to change. At the beginning, my higher power was the concept of A.A., even while I believed in Spirit. This Power showed up in the example of those who were living lives free of intoxicants - people who were facing their challenges and finding celebration in living their lives truthfully, honestly, openly, and soberly. I realized quickly that mine wasn’t a ‘special case’ - I would have to do what others had done and were doing in order to have the freedom I wanted. I found a sponsor and did what she suggested. I attended meet...

 Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.   Linda Creed Long ago, I couldn’t look in a mirror without contempt for the reflection. I didn’t think much of myself, and I told myself often what a loser I was. This constant negative messaging was self-perpetuating - the more I told myself I was worthless, the more worthless I felt. In that state of mind, I couldn’t grow up. This was super child mode, keeping me dependent and needy. In “As Bill Sees It”, Bill W. wrote that we tried, in our alcoholic thinking, “to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependence”. I tried both at various times, and I can agree with Bill’s assertion that it is an unhealthy way to live. I wouldn’t hesitate to call a loved one out if I heard them speak to themselves in the ways in which I spoke to myself. That I did so anyway further fueled my self-contempt. My eventual dependence on alcohol was just a symptom, one which created even more of that lack of respect for myself....

 I’m an HGTV aficionado. I love to watch homes go from sad to spectacular. So much gets done so quickly! Transformations in one hour! It looks so easy, so straightforward. Watch a few videos, and try it out - what could go wrong?  If I had a show, it would have to have a name along the lines of “What the Hell Was I Thinking?”. I can have some good ideas, but I’d need proper help to do the job safely and legally. It takes a collaboration of experts - engineers, plumbers, carpenters, tradesmen, inspectors, and frankly I don’t know what else, to build it well. So can I do it on my own? Absolutely, emphatically, no! Many people, including me, have said or thought from time to time that the 12 Step programs should be employed by everybody for everything. Such a brilliant solution for the problems of life! If only everyone could follow these guidelines, live by the principles embodied by them, enjoy freedom from obsessions and addictions! Life isn’t that easily dealt with, however. ...

 If you want to remove weeds from your garden, it’s imperative that you successfully remove the entire root. Weeds are tenacious little buggers - give ‘em an inch, and they’ll happily take over, depleting the soil’s nutrients and giving nothing in return. In Bill’s Story (BB page 13), he says “l ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my new-found Friend take them away, root and branch”. Entirely. Totally. Leaving no trace.  The useless soil needs enrichment, just as my soul needs nourishment. What I feed it determines the success of my new crop, my new way of thinking and acting. I am responsible - there is no leaving the tasks and choices to others. I grow what I am newly capable of growing, getting all I need from the soil of my understanding, and producing useful, life-affirming fruit. That’s the plan. Weed seeds can find ways of trying to take root in my new soil, so I check in daily with my Master Gardener. I’ve been known to have arguments with Her about the...

 I’m not a farmer, but I have some idea about cultivation. Growing a crop of anything requires preparation of the soil, choice of seeds, nutrients specific to what’s being grown, and the right amounts of water and sunlight. This knowledge doesn’t simply arise on it’s own - it comes from trial and error, learning from others who have had successes, and steady work. It’s knowing that weeds and vermin can destroy a crop, and taking the steps necessary to ensure safe growing conditions.  The cultivation of faith seems no different to me. Faith, belief, trust, confidence - all are interwoven to create a multidimensional way of looking at the process. My innate cynicism is going to rise up at the instruction to “just have faith” in something, without at least a modicum of confidence in the outcome. How do I find that? I surround myself with people who seek the same, people who have learned to set aside the questions and try that which has been successful for others. I’ve been “trudg...

 Recall that thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to actions, and actions lead to results.  T. Harv Eker Self-examination is not  seeking justification or revenge, ruminating on my perception of negative occurrences (“why me?”), or replaying events that resulted in resentments. That exercise would only serve to keep me in the dark, inevitably resulting in seeing more of the same over and over. Self-examination is  looking within from the point of view of my Higher Self, without self-pity, fear, dishonesty, selfishness, resentment, or self-seeking. It’s the willingness to experience my actions from the perspective of the other person. Who or what made me so angry? Why? How did that negatively affect that person? Did it fix the “problem”? Was I justified? How? Where did my action or inaction lead to results I didn’t want? What do I need to do differently? I ask my Creator for clarity, to direct my thoughts, to guide my actions. I have the opportunity to look at my ...

 In 12-step groups, the dropping of masks is not just invited and encouraged - it is expected, if there is to be any personal growth. Step 4 shows us how to look at our shortcomings with complete honesty. The ability to be totally honest with oneself is a skill which requires practice; this step outlines just how to start. I have to ask myself about the resentments which still burn, even just a tiny bit. Toss a little fuel on those embers, and they will burst back into flames.  Whom have my actions harmed in the past? What, specifically, did I do? How might I have handled it differently? What was I trying to control? Did I feel like my cover was being blown, like the carefully constructed mask I presented was being forcefully removed? What did I fear, and how did that negatively affect others? Why did I act in a way that would now shame me? What reasoning did I use to make the unacceptable acceptable? We share as honestly as we are able with others, in and out of meetings, to ...

 My lack of willingness to be honest with myself kept me out if the rooms of recovery for years. Half a dozen years before the truth made itself obvious to me, I had whispered into my journal “am I an alcoholic?”. I didn’t want that truth anywhere near me, so I pretended I had control. Ha! Self-deception is a heavy cloak to wear, but I stumbled along until Truth said “let me help you take that thing off”. I couldn’t accept help until I recognized the cloak itself, and agreed that I didn’t want that thing dragging me down for one more day.  Self-honesty is the key to all the steps. I pray for guidance and for the willingness to actually see myself, my motivations, my values, and how - specifically - I’ve let down myself and my loved ones through lack of truth. Self-honesty helps me to recognize old patterns and destructive coping mechanisms. It is vital to getting to the core of all the “why”s so that I can truly get to the “how”s of recovery. Self-honesty also allows me to see...

 I believe that there are two kinds of fear: healthy and unhealthy. The first can be the initial alert from the gut telling me to be aware. That’s the fear that becomes courage in the face of imminent threat. The unhealthy fear shows itself as the “what if”s, “if only”s, and “no fair”s. It’s the embers keeping resentments burning. It keeps me small and focused on myself. Can I truly believe that my Higher Power is disinterestedly glancing at me to see what I’ll do next?   I don’t think so. I believe that I am a a co-creator of my own life, in partnership with Spirit. When the me-centered fear shows up as greed or envy or any of the other ‘deadly sins’, I have a choice: give in to the self-limiting fears, or open up to the Power of Love, which allows me to hear what the next right action is. It’s a daily conversation, a leaning in to the Now, an awareness of all for which I feel gratitude. It’s the recognition of a lesson in action, the “courage to change the things I can”, as ...

 Add a little flame to hot alcohol to make a flambé. It works for desserts - not so much for me. Anger is the heat, alcohol the fuel, and my peace and happiness are what gets scorched. Blame and resentment become the byproducts, which cause even more destruction all around me, negatively affecting those I love as well as innocent bystanders. If I truly want to grow spiritually, I must be willing to dig a little deeper, to aim to see situations from a higher perspective, and to change that which is changeable. Anger keeps my perspective shuttered. It keeps me tethered to the problem. When I feel a resentment brewing, I have to find the smoldering anger beneath it. Why am I mad? Did someone not meet my expectations? Was I not being true to myself? Am I forgetting that there is a Higher Understanding at work? Did God forget to ask my opinion? There is already much sweetness to life, if I remain open to it. I don’t need the dramatic flames to enjoy - and share - a delicious dessert.

 I think a resentment is the sum of self-pity plus anger complicated by expectation, and is contained in the dungeon of “Yeah But”, “What About”, or “No Fair”. I may have very good reasons for my resentments. I might over-identify with my stories. I could accept resentment as a normal state of being. If so, I am choosing that dungeon as my home. The real bondage is in believing that I can’t leave. Even if I could, who would I be if I stepped into the sunlight? My flaws would be obvious if I did that. Nope - that door is firmly locked. I couldn’t leave even if I wanted to. The person, place, or situation holds the key, and I am even resentful about that. What happens if I go to that imposing dungeon door and try the handle? What if it’s not locked at all - all I need to do is leave the dungeon behind me and step away. Do I really have that choice? What would I do next? Am I Me without that baggage? Yes! Emphatically yes! The iron chains of negativity become temporary annoyances - la...

 Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt Every time I indulge in a resentment, I am choosing to feel again whatever caused me discomfort in the first place. Why would I choose do do that? The fourth step teaches me to look squarely at each resentment I’ve clung to, and to connect to how I was negatively affected. Did it hurt my pride? Was I physically or emotionally hurt? Can anything be done to change the past? Does my resentment hurt anyone but me? What can I do to understand my reaction? To reflect on how I might meet a similar situation or person now, with a new understanding of myself and a new relationship with the Flow of Power? Bad things happen to good people - we know this to be true. Some wrongs are perpetrated for no reason, and deserve just punishment. But I don’t have to further punish myself by reliving and re-feeling the negatives. I’m learning that I can witness my experiences from my Higher Self, so that I ...

 It is a maudlin form of martyrdom…  Bill Wilson Self-pity makes me think of a yawn - suck in all the air possible, then need more and more. It’s a dam in the flow of my life. Self-pity is the blue ribbon of the ego in Best of Yo. It is the sour fruit of the Why Me Tree. Self-pity is seductive. It makes me the star of my own tragic drama. Is that who I came here to be? Absolutely not! To let the martyrdom of self-pity be my main mode of living life is to cut myself off from earned knowledge, personal growth, and true service to others. It is to lose out on the Sunlight of the Spirit. I know this deeply. I find that I wade into the pool of self-pity from time to time, and I know enough to walk back out. I use to keep going until I had to tread its water, fearful because I couldn’t swim, cursing at whatever ‘made’ me go there, unwilling to put my feet down, touch bottom, and walk out. I wanted to have my pain and discomfort recognized and fixed, unwilling to see that being there...

 Physical craving plus mental obsession. What a double whammy! My daily habit became a compulsion. My compulsion became a craving when I didn’t (couldn’t) drink. Bummer. I so  wanted to simply enjoy my drinks. Turned out, I needed them. Toward the end of my ‘drinking career’, I would rouse from being almost asleep to join my husband, who worked a swing shift, in his nightly drink. I couldn’t let him drink alone! I’m altruistic like that. Besides, I’d have been very pissed if a bottle of something I thought of as mine had been emptied without me. I’m selfish like that. When I first noticed the cravings, I brushed them off. It was alarming, but I could excuse them as normal. One little white-knuckled shot of almost anything (I drew the line at scotch) would calm me down and make it all okay. It wasn’t a problem, I thought - but I started seeing patterns. Any time I was away from my routine, inner alarms would go off, telling me that these were cravings which demanded to be fed. ...

 You wanna fly, you got to give up the sh*t that weighs you down.  Toni Morrison Blaming leads to resentment. Resentment will keep me stuck in my problem. Blaming helps me avoid the solution, finding justification in remaining child-like and dependent on others for my happiness. Enough already! Many people have faced and are facing unjustifiable horrors. Some have shared their experiences from situations beyond their control to turn them into the fuel for the fire of change: MLK, Jr., Paul of Tarsus, Nelson Mandella, Viktor Frankl, Harriet Tubman - the list is long. All easily could have succumbed to the desperation and hopelessness of their situations, but they all found meaning in those experiences of harshness and cruelty. They found their inner will to acknowledge their individual sovereignty, and used what they’d learned to reach others. Humanity and civility depend upon all of us finding our commonalities, and taking responsibility for where we find our own humanity and ...

 There seemed to be a chasm between the wanting and the willingness to change. I couldn’t wish my way over to the other side by myself; my fairy godmother wasn’t going to wave her magic wand to get me there, nor was there a deus ex machina in the wings, ready to swoop me over. Staying stuck in the wishing and wanting kept me in child mode. Growing up takes the recognition of childishness coupled with the willingness to hitch up my drawers and take action. If I am to build a bridge across that chasm, I need to drop childish pride - “I can do it myself!” - and accept all the help that’s offered. I take it all to my Engineer and ask for guidance, then I dive into the work. I have fun in the process; playtime and recess are part of the work. I find joy in knowing that this bridge is mine to cross. The work itself becomes a contentment deep within my grown-up self. I gain strength of character, knowledge that I can meet my challenges head-on, assurance that my Source will always help me...

 This peasant revolted. The King had made eye contact with me, and had graced me with his smile - I was special! He appeared in dazzling robes and gem-studded crowns, as befitting his position. He could also show his subjects his ability to show up in everyday clothing - he was one of us! He made grand promises of greatness and shared riches, if we would just give him all. The “king” is a liar and a fraud. He demanded the forfeiture of self-esteem, the loss of real honor and valor, and the humiliation of servitude to a cruel master. I was given the gift of Sight. I could see that the impostor was no benevolent king. He was a thief, a smarmy salesman of false ideals, parading around in castles paid for by those who found themselves in bondage to him. The One who restored my sight showed me the road to freedom and led me to others who had walked it. There were no guards or gates - the way was open. Could I say goodbye to the false glamor and twisted promises? Only if I recognized the...

 Bill W. called them “emotional deformities”, “character defects”, “shortcomings”, and challenged people like me to take a good, objective look for how they manifest in my life. My spiritual community teaches those who are open to looking inside themselves a process to find those reactionary tendencies that hide in the shadow, as well as to see the person I came here to be. There are a lot of ways to shine a light on that which hopes to stay in the dark, but I have to be willing to see what has stayed hidden and confront each negative quality as it shows itself. To not do so is to make an active choice to live in denial, to indulge in the thinking which has caused unhappiness to me and others There is no point to doing the work if I don’t have the willingness to break the habit of acquiescing to the easiness of staying in the same pit. It takes the humility to see in myself that for which I judge others harshly. It takes asking my higher self to be in charge of my thoughts and acti...

 Emotions don’t usually follow orders. I get the Sads every now and then. I can dwell in the absolutes of All This or All That, no in-between. Gratitude is my ‘flotation device’. When the Sads visit and want to take over, I can choose to grab ahold of it to be hauled to emotional safety. Today’s reading reminds me to remember the ones who have helped me learn and grow; those who guided me with love, as well as those whose lessons were harsh. So far, I’ve lived through them all. Gratitude for what is in this moment helps me stay grounded. Looking further afield, I can be truly grateful for the love and support of family and friends - they got me through false starts, helped me turn intention into action, loved me when I felt unworthy, tolerated me when I was being a twit, and gave me ‘atta girls’ when I needed them. Today I woke up without a hangover. I’m grateful. Today I have a lovely apartment with a full fridge. I’m grateful. Today I can express my thoughts and share them. I’m g...

 Some dance to remember, and some dance to forget. Henley, Frey, and Felder, Hotel California I was a daily “responsible” drinker and a weekend binger. My drinking was always justifiable to me. I was sad, mad, frustrated, and challenged to the core by situations and people. A little drink to forget, a little more to “facilitate sleep”, a cocktail because it was yummy, another for the same reason, another for no reason, and I was off. At the same time, these ‘reasons’ to drink were getting more serious and more destructive. I didn’t see the pattern - the circular chase of cause and effect, effect and cause. All I let myself be aware of was that there was an answer - no matter how temporary - to my unhappiness. In my mind, the problems of life allowed a break in the form of forgetting for a little while, courtesy of alcohol. What I didn’t see was the correlation between more drinking and ever-increasing problems from which I ran. When I had a small, almost fleeting realization that e...

 Namaste - the Light in me recognizes and honors the Light in you. My rote morning prayer was interrupted by thoughts of Ukrainians - scared, scarred, grieving, running toward safety. I breathe for them. I hurt with them. I can’t know what they’re going through, but I can feel our kinship. I am reminded to see myself in others, even oppressors. What can I take away from looking at the two Vlads? From Volodymyr Zelenskyy I see courage in the face of unspeakable cruelty. Where have I shown courage? When have I hidden from a scary or difficult situation instead of facing it head-on? From the other - Vladimir Putin - I see greed and complete disconnect from humanity. Where have I steamrolled my will over anyone else’s? When did I take what wasn’t mine? When have I justified my actions and ignored the consequences? When I connect with like-minded folks who are also owning up to their darkness and welcoming in the Light of Unity, I am encouraged to keep shining, keep finding our shared b...

 Constant craving has always been.  kd lang As soon as I win the Lotto or strike it rich in some other magical way, my life will finally be great! Until then, I’ll wallow in the ‘wants’. I can go there when I don’t practice gratitude and mindfulness. “If only” used to be my mantra. Crying for the moon is wanting the extremely unlikely, if not impossible outcome. Having a vision of what is  possible though, and taking action toward achieving that goal? Now that’s within the realm of reality. I lost sight of that in my presobriety years.  That was a time of stunted growth topped with magical thinking. I needed a good dose of reality in order to make changes in my life. My ego was like the hormones of a teenager, always at the extremes. I was the ‘egomaniac with an inferiority complex’. “If only” has become “this - or something better”. I have true gratitude for what I have. That doesn’t stop the ‘wants’, but it allows me to look at them more clearly and ask myself what...

 “To err is human…” …and to recognize my part is to finally start growing up. I’ve had decades of experience doing the “it wasn’t me” shuffle. Stuff just happened to me. I had all the emotional maturity of a three-year-old in a toy store. People who demonstrated the strange ability to own their own mistakes mystified me - how was that even possible? I made awkward attempts, but the ‘reasons’ were part of the ‘ownership’. That wasn’t honesty - it was just another form of deflection and self-deception. When I was challenged to look at my resentments and see where I had contributed, I began to truly accept my humanness. This school called Life is so full of lessons, not the least of which is the one called My Part. Where have I been selfish? Where have I dishonored my dignity? Where have I been deceitful, both with others and with myself? Where were my expectations out of alignment with my highest good? When I look at these things, I can also honestly see where I’ve done well, where I...

 Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? I can seethe in resentment. I can stay stuck in the repetitive thoughts of the unfairness of it all. The results can be manifested in emotional, spiritual, and physical maladies. My body and soul want joy! But how do I find that joy, that serenity, if my anger and resentment are burning me up inside? I don’t mean to be simplistic here - there certainly is unfairness in this physical reality. The challenge lies in finding peace within. I’ve never faced some of the challenges people in the world continue to face; I tend to dramatically make the things that ignite the pilot light of my own resentment into the only heat I feel. I’m learning to stop fanning those flames. I’m seeing that I’m the one who lights the fire and provides the kindling by my focus. I’m finding that some fires will always be ignited in a moment of carelessness. I look at my scars and see an experience I’ve successfully gone through. Those scars are, for...

 Ya cain’t change what ya don’t acknowledge.      Dr. Phil I’m in the process of setting up an appointment with a Nutritionist to help me figure out what dietary changes I need to make. I want my body to be happy with me. My liver certainly is - it has had over a decade to recover from my abuse. My body wants movement, and at the same time, it punishes me when I go overboard. Finding the balance between Chair Potato and All Out is a constant see-saw, but it’s doable when I acknowledge that I must constantly challenge my tendency to err on the side of Potato, followed by making up for that in one mighty effort. My inner work goes nowhere if I don’t look squarely at my shadow work. There’s a natural resistance to doing this. Denial is the blindfold, the false face, the basis of all my “why me” moments. Slowly, persistently, guided lovingly, and safe from the imagined monsters, I take a good hard look at the wreckage I’ve caused. The finger-pointing blamer is turned bac...