Reflections from Reflections

 It’s a paradox - each of us is entirely unique yet exactly alike. I often hear the advice to listen for the similarities, while forgetting the differences, and it’s truth is healing. That desire to be ‘different from’ will keep me from being able to learn from others. The need to be set apart must be channelled into awareness of our sameness. I am a snowflake! I am uniquely beautiful and wondrously formed, but so are all the other snowflakes. We all arose from similar conditions, we all have six sides, and we all group together as one. In those times when I have to be reminded, it is vital for my recovery to remember that we’re all here because none of us have the control to reform ourselves into 3- or 8-sided or any other kind of stars, no matter how hard we try.  When I recognize myself in another, whether due to relatability or because something about them bugs me and I see in that something about myself I dislike, I am invited to use that insight to grow. My desire to be ...

 No ‘strings’ = no conditions. Unconditional love. Love in action without expectation or thought of reciprocation. When I can accept freedom from the “bondage of self” (Big Book, page 63), I am closer to this goal. Acts of service keep me moving in the right direction and offer me the practice of humility. I know the feeling of unlovability. I know the despair of lack of self-worth. I know the shame of past actions. I have hated myself, and cursed at my image in the mirror. Unconditional love was an unreachable concept, to both give and receive. That wasn’t a permanent state of affairs for me, but it gave me a look at hopelessness from a perspective I hope to never see again. Enter alcohol. First, it allowed for more ‘fun’. My appreciation for myself was only valid when I wasn’t myself. I know how that feels. My experience can finally be of benefit to others who are on their own paths of sobriety. As I was given the opportunity to receive this pure form of friendship, I have also b...

 Service to others is not service if it’s transactional. What has been so freely given to me, I must, in turn, freely give to others. I can naturally want to share the goodness I’ve found in sobriety with like-minded women. It’s genuine and easy. But what about those with whom I don’t feel a commonality? My continuing recovery isn’t very solid if I allow myself to be negatively influenced by my perception of our differences. That’s not to say that it isn’t an issue for me sometimes - I can be a very opinionated person, easily turned off by my own prejudices.  I do understand, though - and have experience here - that when I look for what we do have in common, the rest falls away. We all get to express our preferences and live our lives as well as possible. It’s my privilege to connect with those who are unlike myself in so many ways but this: we all have admitted our fallibility, our lack of control, and our need for the guidance of a Power greater than ourselves. In this arena...

 This is the recurring theme in my recovery which continues to be a challenge - my wanting my children to forgive my misdeeds and misplaced priorities. I find myself attached to that outcome, when, in fact, I have no control over their reactions. My peace must come from the living amends I try to make by being emotionally available to them, and the assurance that in all things, all is well. I have to honor their own processes, and accept where they’re at, even if it means I’m forever held accountable. In this, I must have the willingness to accept that which I cannot change in order to have personal serenity. This is what illustrates most vividly to me that recovery is a process. One of the ninth step promises is “We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it”. I’m holding that promise in my heart. The promises are given as assurance of the results of making amends. It’s very clear that simply saying “I’m sorry” is an empty, overused, meaningless phrase until I can t...

 No guru, no method, no teacher  Just you and I and nature  And the Father in the garden    Van Morrison Call It what you like - God, Father, Mother, Spirit, Power - that spiritual connection is the most important factor in achieving and maintaining the gift of sobriety. I tuned in, early on, when a fellow traveler defined humility as being ‘right-sized’. I’ve heard that term many times since then, and it always strikes me as a term I can both accept and understand. Feeling humiliated many times in the past, I made the incorrect connection to humility as a willingness to be humiliated again and again. No way was I going to ascribe to that, until I understood the difference. Now I get it, and keep being reminded. I’m not in charge! What a relief! When I was ‘in charge’ of my life, I made ridiculous decisions. I made painful choices which hurt not only myself, but those I loved. I elevated alcohol to the top priority, at the expense of all else. I would have said ...

 Just like so many who came before - and after - me, my initial aim was to fix the problem of not being able to stop drinking. I’d throw myself into the program, do all the things, learn what I needed to learn about myself, then - ta-da! - I'd be good as new, able to control my drinking. When I found out that a woman I admired had over 30 years of sobriety, I was confused and a little sad for her. “Why are you still coming to meetings?” I asked. She seemed surprised by my question, and just laughed a little bit. “Because I don’t want to drink again” was her reply. It can be an intimidating thought, that truth of never being able to drink again. It can feel like a punishment resulting in self-pity. On top of that feeling of it being ‘no-fair’, I immediately sought blame. It was because of HIM. It was because SHE did this or said that. THEY just didn’t understand. It didn’t take long to start to see the very positive side of attaining and maintaining sobriety. I have a lively spiritu...

 Weren’t we all! My ego wants me to be different from, not the same as. It tells me I am better than and that I am more cursed, both smarter than and knowledge-challenged, not understood and completely transparent. The truth is that I am all of these things, just not always at the same time, just like everyone else. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and until I could recognize that in myself, I would continue to learn humility the hard way. One of the best things (besides sobriety) that I have learned and am continuing to learn, is to find that balance between defects and strengths. Humility teaches me to be honest about my deficits - to recognize them when they reappear and deal with them promptly, and to be awakened to my actual strengths of character. What had been bluff could be coaxed into being. I can build upon those assets of character, to be the person I always dared not believe I could be, and to encourage others to do the same.  This is what builds commu...

 Finding a ‘spiritual solution’ is, frankly, awe-some. It’s the cake, the icing, and the cherry on top. On pages 128-29 of our ‘Big Book’, Bill compares it to finding gold. There is a selfishness in those of us who have had our thinking warped by alcohol, and in finding a solution, we can be very frightened that we’ll lose it again. Others of us (me, for instance) want to run out and give the happy news to everyone. We all soon learn that the principle of “attraction rather than promotion” is the better way.  The Power greater than myself isn’t going to diminish or disappear. It is the “limitless lode”, always providing strength and guidance measure-for-measure with my degree of connection. I have turned my will and my life over to that Power’s care, as suggested in Step 3. Being imperfect, I forget, I try to take it back, I stubbornly try to do things my way, or I just feel out of alignment. That’s when Step 11 reminds me that the lode is indeed limitless, and I can return ti...

 I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in feeling like I need direction. Some decisions are easy and obvious - it’s those “I haven’t got a clue” moments where a map would sure be handy. Or a Sherpa. Or a personal Guru.  My H.P. is on call all the time. It’s my job to learn how to listen. Sometimes, it’s just a gut-feeling - that intuitive sense which I’m relearning to hear after a lifetime of minimizing and distrusting. Sometimes that guidance comes in other forms - a snippet of something I read or hear, a thought arising in meditation, something a trusted friend says… if I remain open, I hear what I need to hear. When I need clarification, I ask - then listen. I believe that the central task in life is to learn how to reconnect with our Source in spite of the feeling of separation. I’m learning all the time, and I have to be willing to recalibrate all the time. What is the ‘next right thing’? That seems to be a good place to start. What will be in the highest good of myself and those...

 It’s both amusing and tragic that we human beings have such enormous egos that we think, even in the midst of utter chaos, that we’re the ones in charge. I wavered between “ I've got this” and “someday my Prince will come”. The practical application of a Spirit of Life, personal to me yet bigger than the cosmos was one I couldn’t buy into. It’s existence? Sure. As a lifeline in my own little, tiny, but über important life whether times were hard or easy? Not so much. At least, I wasn’t willing or able to look beyond my limited imagination. Thanks to growing up reading Dear Ann and Dear Abby, I had an early introduction to the 12 Steps. I always saw them as good, sensible guidelines, even when I thought that I wasn’t and never would be an alcoholic. I stayed in that loop of “l never thought it would happen to me”, that denial that life, whether sunny or stormy, happens to everyone, even as sun and storm hit me. It wasn’t until I experienced alcoholism in myself that I was open to r...

 There is power in “ we ”. We  all cross the threshold of honesty which takes us into the rooms of recovery. We  meet others, some seemingly telling our own stories, others relating different yet similar ones, and all there because of one issue: we  couldn’t stop drinking (using, spending, overeating, sexual indiscretion-ing). We all found we  needed help beyond our own power. We were victims of our own abuse, and weren’t able to live that way any longer. Our founders found relief in adopting a spiritual solution. What had begun as a strictly religious program was adapted to meet the specifics of alcoholism, be it a problem for the religious or the non-religious. A spiritual solution which asked each person to acknowledge a power greater than themselves, to which we could ask for help. That help first shows up in the “ we ”. We  are all agents of the Divine, helping each other find that meaningful personal connection to which we  can give our lack...

 We humans are opinionated, that’s what I think. I have my ideas about what is and what should be, and I have to fight the urge to expect others to play along. Our founders had a pretty good grasp on human behavior. Early members had strong opinions about how this new association would best work, and who it would best serve. I can imagine some of their early meetings about how to ensure the future of A.A., and how raucous they probably were. Do it this way! Don’t do it that way! I have the best ideas! I have seniority! You don’t know squat! Where would I be today if not for the foresight of those on the cutting edge, the fights and hurt feelings, the layers of personal growth which had to happen for the rooms of recovery to still be so remarkable after all this time? I’m going to guess that I wouldn’t have the slightest hope of being ‘happy, joyous, and free’. These remarkable people had to learn the hard way that the more simple things were, the more likely the group writ large wo...

 Many of us fear what may become of our lives without alcohol - after all, it fueled our partying. Like so many others, I just wanted that little bit of help with social anxiety. Like so many others, I was funnier, sexier, more fun with a little lubrication. It may have started out that way, but it certainly took a turn for the worse somewhere along the way.  Missing my own birthday party because I was passed out between vomit breaks, missing a flight for vacation then taking the trip the next day with such a bad hangover I had to go back to bed when I reached my destination, finding that money spent on alcohol had moved up to number one priority before the needs of my family… the list of “fun” goes on. I didn’t think I had it in me to live in a new way. I didn’t believe that I would be able to scoot ego aside to let Spirit in. I wasn’t close to convinced that I would or could follow through with the program, but I became willing.  That willingness to have a new experienc...

 I can’t gain personal peace of mind at the expense of anyone else, especially someone I’ve harmed in some way. My process of making amends to them has to be clean. If I don’t recognize that person as fully deserving their own peace of mind, then I need to do some more work. There are no guarantees, of course. I might find that nothing I say or do can ease the pain I caused. If I’m satisfied that I’ve done all I can do, I can breathe easy, and ask my Higher Power to help them find resolution for their own sake. There is simply no need to constantly revisit the offense if I’ve been sincere and honest with myself about my part. I can explore this through asking my sponsor for their input, and through meditation.  Peace of mind used to be elusive. I couldn’t see the possibility at all - and the prospect of honestly facing up to my errors in judgement seemed altogether too difficult. My choice was to keep feeling the pain, or do what so many others had done, by facing my responsib...

Life’s song isn’t a monotone. Repairing damage I’ve caused is like two-part harmony - I need to take this action for my own growth and well-being, and I have to acknowledge and try to mend the tear in the fabric of another’s life so that they too can move on. It’s a delicate tune, but one which has great power. I am pretty sure that when we human beings take action to undertake accountability with another, and when we exercise the gift of forgiveness, the angels come together in holy, joyous song. We can hear it in those moments of peace and pure grace. When I compare this feeling to the cacophonous noise that was my life, I am relieved of the pain that that racket caused me and others. I feel a sense of worth and value which had been missing. I am in that space of beautiful melody, giving me the assurance that it is always there.  I can forget. I can get so caught up in momentary problems or the irksome behavior of myself and others, that I lose the tune or forget the words. That’...

 I have a habit of blaming. It goes way back. Taking responsibility was for those who had harmed me or ‘made me’ do something against my will. Apparently, I never internalized the sanctity of “No.”. I blame my parents…I mean, shouldn’t they have taught me that boundaries were important? Shouldn’t they have encouraged a few more “no”s instead of drilling into my psyche the opposite (except for ‘boys’ - there it was a heavy “no”!)? Maybe. Who cares? They taught what they had learned, just as I did.  I’ve been an adult in age for several decades, but I held onto the the infantile habit of blame for most of them. It has been the working of the steps which has brought me around to some emotional intelligence, emotional sobriety. Most of us don’t automatically change our way of being in the world without some sort of awakening. I’m so thankful that in many ways, I’ve finally grown up. ‘Bout time. Just exactly as I’ve blamed others for my shortcomings, I’m being blamed in the same wa...

 I always tried to teach my children that their actions had consequences: negative followed negative, and positive followed positive. How much more, then, do I need to model that natural law for myself.  In our 12 x 12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions), Bill W. urges us to make amends quickly. This is, however, the ninth of twelve steps - the preceding steps help us all understand who we are and how our actions affected others and ourselves. They give the necessary perspective in which to more fully understand our responsibilities. I realize now that I went into the process too early. I hadn’t done the preliminary work which would give me both perspective and awareness. I knew I had negatively impacted some people, but I wasn’t able to feel the brunt of my harm until I had developed a deeper understanding of myself. By that time, I had already mumbled some well-meant but poorly-formed “I’m sorry”s. I get now that an honest amend has to  go deeper. I have to acknowledge...

 The promises are listed on pages 83 and 84 of our ‘Big Book’. They begin “If we are painstaking with this phase of our development…”, and are followed by “They will alway materialize if we work for them.”. The key words here are “painstaking” and “work”. The promises don’t just happen - they are the natural results of the painstaking work required of those of us who desire sobriety, and to know ourselves in the process. These promises are written about in conjunction with Step 9. I can’t effectively work Step 9 without the background illumination provided by working all the previous steps. As I continue to add to my understanding of myself and my unmanageability, I can more easily see how I have changed since first coming to the rooms of A.A. I heard the promises then, and wondered if I’d ever experience any of them. Being as ‘terminally unique’ as the next guy, I was sure I’d never know the peace they assured. Fast-forward ten+ years. My life has changed mightily for the better. ...

 The natural: what is; the super-natural: also what is. When I pray, when a situation is overwhelming, I am reaching beyond what is known to touch the unknowable. I do so (TRY to do so) with the assurance that if I am in need, I have help in the moment. I stop, breathe, and listen.  I am also prone to panic, trying to deal all by myself, and listening to the voice of doubt. The good news for me is how I feel with the daily contact with my Creator - the One a famous teacher calls “my Beloved Companion”. What a lovely way of feeling at one with the nature of All that Is - a confidant, a friend, teacher, and guide, personal to me. When that panic tries to take hold, I am reminded that I face absolutely nothing all by myself. I feel supported by my guides and angels. When I listen, I know I am loved completely and supported absolutely. When I reached my turning point and knew I was an alcoholic, I wasn’t very practiced in listening to my Higher Power. That came with practice and t...

 I watched a TV drama once, in which a sobered-up alcoholic was making amends to someone. He said to the other character “l forgive you”, fully implying that it was the other who had harmed him. Alarm bells went off in my head as I thought “I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work”. I believe the writers were well-intentiond, but way off the mark. When I make amends to someone I’ve harmed, it has to come from a clear understanding of what I did, how it was perceived, what effect it had, and how I might make things right. Forgiveness is up to the other person, not me. All I can do - and what I must  do - is to metaphorically put myself in their shoes and feel what they may have felt by my words or actions, acknowledge that, and take the next right action. That action is dictated by the harmed party, not by me, although I can only do the possible. I can’t change the instance, but I can take steps to change the outcome, if  the other person is amenable. Sometimes, and ...

 Have you ever watched shows about people who hoard? They are sad to watch. The hoarders can’t see their ways clear on their own - they need the help of others who understand the problem and don’t burden them with judgement. Some are utterly resistant to help. You know that as soon as some of the stuff is cleared away, the hoarder will fill the space up again. Others, though, are genuinely stumped at how they got that way, and need a lot of assistance to get back to what society deems as ‘normal’. Once cleared of the excess, they breathe easier, feel great relief, and smile with genuine happiness. They receive counseling to learn how things became so out of control, with guidance on living a different way. The threats to their living stuff-free are dealt with. I feel like there is an analogy there with the ‘stuff’ I’ve crammed into my psyche, which kept me drinking when I thought I didn’t want to. At night, trying to relax into sleep, I’d instead get the avalanche of regret and sha...

 I can recall in vivid detail some of the times when I treated people horribly. I was sober, but the thought-processes which no doubt kept me drinking were centered on only me. These people were strangers or shopkeepers to whom I wouldn’t be able to make direct amends. What to do?  First, I acknowledge the memories as an important gift. How would I know what to be on the lookout for if not for the cringe-worthy mental images of those times? I’ve asked my Creator to forgive me, so that’s done - I have no need to grovel and relive those things. I look at them and remind myself what I’m capable of, and who I am now. I sing myself a one-phrase, twice repeated chant: “forgive yourself and move on, forgive yourself and move on”.  Next, I do just that - I move on. The things I find myself revisiting with self-loathing are those which I haven’t managed to work through. How do I live my Today with Yesterday tugging on my sleeve? I see it, I’m conscious of it, and I remember that i...

 I’m not going to take that strong foundation I’ve poured with the help of my Architect, then build my walls out of plywood and masking tape. That’s what I am effectively doing when I think, “Okay, I’ve got this now - lemme do it my way”. I have often bristled at people telling me what to do, or hinting that I may not know what I’m doing. That is a recipe for humble pie, and it tastes awful. How much better have things worked for me when I’ve admitted that I don’t know, and I ask for guidance? I’m in the process of learning.  Step 9 asks me to follow up on previous steps, particularly Step 8, by making amends to those I’ve hurt. If I’ve built a shoddy wall, the onus is on me to tear it down and build it correctly. I have to first admit that the wall stinks, and take responsibility for the short cuts and low-quality materials I used. If anyone was harmed by virtue of the shoddiness of my product, I have to own the responsibility and take care of any problems thus created. Then ...

 What good is sobriety alone if I’m still the sad, angry mess I used to be? What were the reasons I kept taking those first drinks? Why had I given up on myself? What do I need to change about myself to finally have peace with reality? Fear kept me tethered to the same (non) solution for years - fear of failure (even as I was failing myself every day), fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of reality and facing the ugly truths about myself. It takes courage to walk into the rooms of recovery - courage which comes from the realization that our lives are a shambles. At least, it was that way for me. Yes, I came into the rooms because I finally woke up to the fact that I couldn’t just stop drinking of my own accord - I needed to get into the steps with a sponsor, and OMG! look at my whole life, my whole way of thinking and doing. So it takes courage to come in, and it takes courage to stay.  Building my new life is a daily process of action and communing with my Creator, the ...

 I’ve been mad at God many times, mostly when I’ve felt singularly picked on. “Why should I believe in You?”, I’ve whined. “You keep putting me in this crap!”. My angels smile, my guides shrug, and I feel the old refrain of “why me?”. It’s no surprise to any of us that that approach just dug my pit deeper. My lack of perspective kept me mad, sad, and inert. Drinking didn’t work, but I didn’t let that stop me, until the realization that I had no control and my life had indeed become unmanageable floated into my awareness. That’s when I finally entered the rooms of recovery. I bristled at some of the steps - especially when the male-gendered deity was called upon. I was still estranged for the most part, and had been trying to understand a more personal, less human-imagined God.  Being open to whatever each step had to teach me led me to a Higher Power of my own understanding, which is a Power I can’t actually understand, but can walk with anyway. I have moved far away from feel...

 We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.  ‘Big Book’, pg 164 Without a willingness to grow, I can’t mature in my spiritual life. If I simply rely on my initial awakening, I’m choosing stagnation in my relationship to the Divine.  That willingness is made possible through action: the actions of prayer and meditation - purposeful communing with my Higher Power; taking meaningful action in relation to my sobriety and that of others; openness to empathy with those who are less fortunate than I; studying and applying that which I continue to learn; remaining in what Buddhists refer to as “Beginner’s Mind”. The moment I think I fully understand something is the moment where my mind snaps shut against knowledge. As Suzuki Roshi wrote in the prologue to Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind , “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s there are few”.  The success of maintaining sobriety lies in the “vital spiritual...